Ten Gifts not to give your beloved at Christmas.

bad santa claus

Bad Santa, Bad Gifts

Ten Gifts not to give your beloved at Christmas.

(Please note that these comments are based on bitter and painful experience.  Learn from my mistakes.)

I have been happily married for over 32 years, and whilst many of our Christmases have been happy and fulfilled, some have not, and here is a list of the 10 gifts NOT to give your beloved partner at Christmas (or any other holiday probably)

  1. Frying Pan.  This one was meant as a joke, as a secondary or tertiary gift, backing up the primary.  Unfortunately, the primary gift, (a very expensive set of Hi-Fidelity wireless earphones) was rejected within 0.2 milliseconds of the gift being removed from its packaging, so the jocularity I had planned for when I bought out the frying pan was absent. A stony and extended silence ensued.
    36 hours of frigid silence at Christmas does not a happy holiday make.
  2. Perfume.  Normally a good choice, especially when it’s a reputable brand like Channel, Yves St. Laurent etc.  But.  Don’t get perfume as the main gift 5 years in a row, and don’t, I really mean, NEVER buy the same perfume that your Mum used to use.
  3. Vacuum Cleaner.  No matter how good the advertising is, nor how crappy your present Hoover is, don’t be tempted.  Guys might be happy with a socket set, or a rechargeable drill or even a set of screwdrivers, but the balance is NOT equitable.  Home appliances ≠ female happiness.
  4. Irons.  This was my major mistake in all the years.  Do you have any idea how scary it is to see a heavy, stainless steel iron coming at your face at about 80 mph? Remember Home appliances ≠ female happiness.
  5. Automobile.  This one was a shocker.  I had really believed that this time it was the winner.  A metallic blue, Mazda MX5 (Miata in the USA) convertible.  I had polished it, it was gleaming in the summer sunshine (Christmas is early summer in NZ) and my beloved had always said that she wanted a convertible.  Tears and mutterings of “never gave me the choice” indicated that I had miscalculated.
  6. Negligee.  The basic idea was alright, I think.  Attractive but not too slutty, expensive, comfortable (so said the assistant, who thinking about it now, was on commission) unfortunately, it was too small.  I had bought it 2 sizes too small.  It was the same size as she had when we got married.  I think it implied “getting fat”.  I wasn’t “getting fat”, I didn’t get any Christmas dinner that year.
  7. Negligee.  Same as 6, but this time, to be on the safe side, I had bought a bigger size.  8 sizes bigger than the original size.  “Much safer” I thought.  “She can always exchange it” I thought. “ I’m getting hungry” I thought, as I didn’t get any Christmas dinner two years in a row.
  8. Clothes.  Any type; blouses, skirts, trousers, woollens, dresses.  It doesn’t matter what you buy, the size/shape/design/colour/fit/designer/size will be wrong.  I know I’ve mentioned size twice.  Even when you change it to the “proper” size, it’ll still be wrong.  There is one exception; Dressing Gowns are acceptable.  It’s really difficult to get the wrong size, but they are NEUTRAL, they don’t get you any brownie points, or food (or any Sex, come to that)
  9. Money.  As I neared desperation, I began to try those items removing all personal choice.  Money would be safe I thought.  Oh no.  “Too impersonal” I was told. It showed I didn’t care.  It showed I hadn’t thought much about it.   Shit.
  10. Jewellery.  Far too expensive, but I made the sacrifice.  Spent 3 months prowling around the jewellers and finally decided on a lovely gold and sapphire gold ring.  I decided on specifying white gold, as it was that bit more unusual and unique, and I thought it suited the fitting perfectly.  First reaction was all that I could have expected, and then I was asked two questions.
    1. What had I done that made me feel so guilty that I had bought such an expensive gift.
    2. Why did I choose white gold.  I knew (she said) that She didn’t like white gold.  It was unlucky.  (Our bloody wedding rings are in white gold.  She doesn’t miss a trick)

I give up.  I have developed a skin of smiling, inscrutability.  No matter what happens, a kiss is always acceptable, and I do love her dearly.  But sometimes she makes it very hard.

Good Santa (I can dream can't I?)

Enhanced by Zemanta
Click here for reuse options!
Copyright 2010 MadMikesAmerica
Did you like this? Share it:
Posted by on December 5, 2010. Filed under Commentary. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
Back to Main Page

12 Responses to Ten Gifts not to give your beloved at Christmas.

  1. BigHarryH

    December 5, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    If you want stony silence, try buying nothing at all.

  2. Holte Ender

    December 5, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    I do most of the cooking in our house, and one year I got a top of the range frying pan (skillet). I was delighted, just what I wanted. I must have been good that year because Santa really looked after me. This year I want a new vacuum cleaner.

    • Holte Ender

      December 5, 2010 at 12:21 pm

      P.S. – A Dyson.

      • Robert Douglas

        December 5, 2010 at 7:23 pm

        “P.S. – A Dyson”

        I got one for last Christmas. It really sucks

  3. Krell

    December 5, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    This is funny stuff! Especially because it expresses the pain of experience so well.

    Buying gifts for women sometimes seems to be such a paradox of zero sum.

    My general rule is…never anything with a power cord. Mother Hen and I have similar tastes in reading material so both of us can never go wrong with books. In fact, Christmas and several days after are usually spent as reading time in bed with all the books and with various chocolates,etc.

    That and putting together whatever kid item needs to be constructed…slot A into Tab B torture.

    • Mother Hen

      December 5, 2010 at 9:56 pm

      Sometimes putting tabs into slots is the closest thing to intimacy we can muster during this time!!

      And the only thing with a cord attached to it I ever want to see under the tree is 1. A bound and helpless Johnny Depp or 2. a vibrator.

      You know, it really is easy to buy for women who have hobbies or collections. Otherwise stick with a gift certificate to a day spa or something like that. The key is to buy something for them they might want, but would never indulge themselves. Or upgrade for them something they use everyday and (This is important) they must enjoy using it. A new frying pan for someone who doesn’t like to cook all that much will not find the loving home that a high end shovel might win from a person who loves gardening.

      And books!!! (Just not romance novels unless a barf bucket is also under the tree to go with it…)

      • Gwendolyn H. Barry

        December 5, 2010 at 11:11 pm

        A nice piece of sentimentally engraved jewelry always passes muster for me. As far as electrics, I’m holding out for a 50″ plasma.

        I take long hot showers but the truth is I envy folks with kids and family. Because I have a great family but it’s short and sweet and sort of standard morning surprise at my sisters’ then a meal at friends’. But there is no real time to savor moments reading new books or watching kids excitedly play with new toys or just watch old movies eating chocolates. I’d really like to do that.

      • Krell

        December 6, 2010 at 10:00 am

        But Mother Hen…I already have your gift. In fact, there is a song about it…

  4. Gwendolyn H. Barry

    December 5, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    Perfume! is an excellent call! LOL (‘course, I would say that!)
    Good post!

  5. mbarnato

    December 6, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    This immediately took me back to the Xmas when I was about nine years old, and my dad gave my mom an electric mixer. She got all excited because she got a big wrapped box! I will never forget the look on her face when she tore the paper off and saw it was a mixer. The woman had six kids – she did not need a kitchen appliance… eeewwww. Even now I get an upset stomach thinking about it….. fun times!! LOL!!