The Pied Piper of Pessimor

In 2008, while the country of Statesville was suffering from a particularly large rat infestation, a man dressed in pied clothing suddenly appeared claiming to be a rat-catcher.

He said that his name was Menteur, but most people just called him the Pied Piper. He promised the townspeople a solution for their problem with the rats.

The townspeople in turn promised to pay him for the removal of the rats by heaping constant praise and exclaiming their admiration for their noblest of servant.

Well, the pied piper really liked this idea of payment by worship so he accepted and immediately started playing a strange song on his magical musical pipe to lure the rats into KickEmOut River, where they were supposed to drown.

But secretly, he left out a couple of notes because….well… he always liked rats.

Found them to be quite likable and besides…if there weren’t any rats, he would quickly be out of business. So he always tried to bend over backwards to cater to their every whim.

Nice rat life, if you can get it. But rats are only 2 percent of the population so it’s sort of a exclusive club.

One day, when the Pied Piper was down by the river laughing with all the rats, one of the townsfolk from Statesville, a person by the peculiar name of Senegoid, was nonchalantly walking along a path, whistling the latest #1 song “I’m hyper for the Pied Piper” when suddenly he saw the Piper himself frolicking around, doing a river rat dance with his rat friends and he thought…Hey, wait a second.

I thought that he was supposed to get rid of all the rats!

What the hell is he doing dancing a conga line with these rat creatures when he was hired to get rid of them?

So Senegoid ran back to the center square of StatesVille and started screaming…It’s a Trap! It’s a Trap!

But since this very day just happened to be a declared National Pied Piper holiday and everyone was chanting..”We love you, Piper” and booths were set up to sell little slices of cherry pied, he was having absolutely no luck at all. Nobody wanted to listen at all. Not in the least.

But Senegoid was a persistent fellow, not to be trifled with.

He once stated that he was going to collect 2435 cereal box tops, despite all of his friends and brothers laughing at him, just so he could send in for a secret lantern.

He then succeeded in collecting the 2435 box tops, despite all the trepidation, and finally got the secret lantern of his dreams.

Senegoid really loved his lantern and used to carry it with him all the time. Yes sir, not a person to underestimate.

Eventually enough people became convinced that the Pied Piper wasn’t quite who he said he was in the sales brochure.

So the people stopped praising and chanting and even stopped selling cherry pieds.

This made the Pied Piper very angry.

He lashed out at the very same ones that had originally hired and praised him.

Damn those people, they don’t know what it’s really like. Just a bunch of “Pie in the Sky” idealists. So he started plotting his revenge.

So on Saint John and Paul’s day while the inhabitants were in church,the Pied Piper dressed up in green camouflage and played his pipe yet again.

But this time he was attracting not the rats but all of the children attending the huge one-room school of MiddleClass.

They used to have a much nicer school with lots of rooms, but unfortunately the school building got foreclosed upon.

At least that’s what everyone thinks happened. Nobody has the paperwork…

But that’s a different story, so let’s continue.

So that day, all of the children of MiddleClass school followed him out of the town where they were lured into a cave and never seen again.

Some say that they are forced to make garments for 22 cents a hour, others say no…it’s athletic shoes.

Well, all but 3 of the children.

One of them had a GPS Tom-Tom and realized that they were NOT going where they were supposed to, so he stayed behind.

Another child had an IPod with earphones blaring Justin Bieber, so she couldn’t hear the lure of the Pied Pipers flute.

And the last child was lactose intolerant and the “noises” that he made in the bathroom drowned out the Pied Piper’s magical song, saving his life.

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Posted by on December 12, 2010. Filed under Commentary,NEWS I FIND INTERESTING. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry
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9 Responses to The Pied Piper of Pessimor

  1. Gwendolyn H. Barry Reply

    December 12, 2010 at 8:26 am

    well, that’s one way of looking at it. The prevailing theme has been that the ‘pied piper’ would never lead the town astray. ONly a radical would say else…. progress away from the status quo?

    But you know Krell, it was progressive and radical folks who were the one who brought the pied piper to town. The Howard Dean contingency for pied pipers…. the rats all fell in line listening to tune amplified for a new pied piper. And we were lulled with it’s sweet melody. It was the likes of you and I who delighted in the new music until our ears picked up a tinnitus of scrambled notes…hollow drumbeats …. etc. Did I get that right?

    • Krell Reply

      December 12, 2010 at 9:35 am

      Good catch, Gwen. It WAS the energy of those shifty progressives that got the Piper in office. How were they to know that the Piper hung around the rats in his spare time?

      Did you catch the play on the town crier with the lantern? Also the Pied Piper name means something as well.

  2. Holte Ender Reply

    December 12, 2010 at 10:21 am

    My knowledge of French tells me that Menteur/Obama/Pied Piper is the ‘Liar’ but I don’t get the ‘Man With The Lamp’ Spanish connection of Senegoid?

    • Krell Reply

      December 12, 2010 at 10:25 am

      Senegoid is Diogenes spelled backwards. Always searching with that cereal box lantern of his.

      • Holte Ender Reply

        December 12, 2010 at 10:31 am

        Ah, the Greek cynic, who knew the price of everything and the value of nothing. Got it.

  3. BigHarryH Reply

    December 12, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    French, Spanish, Greek, name spelled backwards, no wonder I didn’t get it. Too clever for me.

    • osori Reply

      December 12, 2010 at 2:37 pm

      I was thinking it had something to do with Seinfeld! I’m not clever enough either, though I really enjoyed it.

      • John Myste Reply

        December 17, 2010 at 1:23 am

        I am astoundingly clever, but I also did not get it. I get it now, though. Clever.

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