- CRITTER TALK
- NEWS I FIND INTERESTING
Besides ranting about all the wrongs put upon us by those we elect to public office, I spend an inordinate amount of time playing fantasy sports. For those unfamiliar with fantasy sports, let me take a few moments explaining how they work, and how pathetic I am.
When your tired ,old, broken body can’t actually play a sport, such as baseball, football, basketball or golf, you sit on your fat ass at a computer and run a team that plays the sport. You use real professional players, from the real world and their real-time stats. You play against other losers like yourself in fantasy leagues on yahoo, fox sports, cbs and the like. Some folks play for money and others like me..just play for the glory of beating the hell out of their spouses, friends or neighbors and what’s called ‘bragging rights’. These sports are played during the real sports seasons. Currently we are playing hockey, basketball and golf. I am eagerly awaiting the start of NASCAR and Baseball, which will begin February 20th, and the end of March respectively.
With the exception of golf and NASCAR, we conduct live drafts, during which we talk major sh*t to each other and we continue that trash talking all during the season on the message boards located on the front page of each league. Some folks are dumb enough to start the season off running their piehole about everyone else’s team sucking ass, only to find out their team is the worst team in the entire league. That’s why it pays to actually know something about the sport you are playing or to keep your mouth shut until you see how all the teams are shaking out.
I have proudly worn the moniker of The Fabulous Sports Babe for a couple of decades now. I know, there is a woman on the radio that actually uses that phrase but in Ocean Beach, CA I was known as the FSB because, as a waitress in a sports bar, I earned the reputation that men could ask me anything about the four major sports and more times than not I could provide them with an adequate answer, or the statistic they were looking for. Damn I loved that job, but I digress.
Winter is the worst time of the year for fantasy sports lovers because the only sports available, after football’s regular season ends, is basketball and golf. Hockey doesn’t really count because it has such a small fanbase. Now I know people love their hockey, but lets be honest, there just are not enough hockey lovers out there. Basketball teams do not play every night and golf is only played Thursday through Sunday and it’s only one stinking tournament. This means screwing with your teams takes up a very small portion of your online time, leaving waaaaaayyy too much free time.
So this year I have hit rock bottom, I have become the ultimate fantasy junkie, akin to a heroin addict. I have joined what is known as the negative golf league. We try to pick the players who will do the absolute worst in the weekly tournament. In other words..we want to suck the most.
It’s not as easy as you think. First, your mind isn’t trained to think that way. After years and years of thinking Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Graeme McDowell,Lee Westwood, etc..its very hard to even know the names of who in the hell is the bottom of the barrel in golf. I don’t have a friggin clue.
There are small ways to cheat of course, you can look at last years standings for instance, which I did for this weeks tournament at Phoenix. My hope is that at least a couple of these douchenozzles will miss the cut and then will produce zero points for the rest of the weekend. I lucked out last week and three of my picks missed the cut on friday!!! Praise Jesus!
Ah..but so far..that ain’t happening as two of those damn jerkwads are in first and third place as I type this. That ain’t good when you are going for the bottom of the leaderboard. There has to be a better way to suck at this game..there just has to be.Click here for reuse options!