Fantasy sports- Yes, they are for wingnuts.

Besides ranting about all the wrongs put upon us by those we elect to public office, I spend an inordinate amount of time playing fantasy sports. For those unfamiliar with fantasy sports, let me take a few moments explaining how they work, and how pathetic I am.

When your tired ,old, broken body can’t actually play a sport, such as baseball, football, basketball or golf, you sit on your fat ass at a computer and run a team that plays the sport. You use real professional players, from the real world and their real-time stats.Β  You play against other losers like yourself in fantasy leagues on yahoo, fox sports, cbs and the like. Some folks play for money and others like me..just play for the glory of beating the hell out of their spouses, friends or neighbors and what’s called ‘bragging rights’. These sports are played during the real sports seasons. Currently we are playing hockey, basketball and golf. I am eagerly awaiting the start of NASCAR and Baseball, which will begin February 20th, and the end of March respectively.

With the exception of golf and NASCAR, we conduct live drafts, during which we talk major sh*t to each other and we continue that trash talking all during the season on the message boards located on the front page of each league. Some folks are dumb enough to start the season off running their piehole about everyone else’s team sucking ass, only to find out their team is the worst team in the entire league. That’s why it pays to actually know something about the sport you are playing or to keep your mouth shut until you see how all the teams are shaking out.

I have proudly worn the moniker of The Fabulous Sports Babe for a couple of decades now. I know, there is a woman on the radio that actually uses that phrase but in Ocean Beach, CA I was known as the FSB because, as a waitress in a sports bar, I earned the reputation that men could ask me anything about the four major sports and more times than not I could provide them with an adequate answer, or the statistic they were looking for.Β  Damn I loved that job, but I digress.

Winter is the worst time of the year for fantasy sports lovers because the only sports available, after football’s regular season ends, is basketball and golf. Hockey doesn’t really count because it has such a small fanbase. Now I know people love their hockey, but lets be honest, there just are not enough hockey lovers out there. Basketball teams do not play every night and golf is only played Thursday through Sunday and it’s only one stinking tournament.Β  This means screwing with your teams takes up a very small portion of your online time, leaving waaaaaayyy too much free time.

So this year I have hit rock bottom, I have become the ultimate fantasy junkie, akin to a heroin addict. I have joined what is known as the negative golf league. We try to pick the players who will do the absolute worst in the weekly tournament. In other words..we want to suck the most.

It’s not as easy as you think. First, your mind isn’t trained to think that way. After years and years of thinking Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Graeme McDowell,Lee Westwood, etc..its very hard to even know the names of who in the hell is the bottom of the barrel in golf. I don’t have a friggin clue.

There are small ways to cheat of course, you can look at last years standings for instance, which I did for this weeks tournament at Phoenix. My hope is that at least a couple of these douchenozzles will miss the cut and then will produce zero points for the rest of the weekend. I lucked out last week and three of my picks missed the cut on friday!!! Praise Jesus!

Ah..but so far..that ain’t happening as two of those damn jerkwads are in first and third place as I type this. That ain’t good when you are going for the bottom of the leaderboard. There has to be a better way to suck at this game..there just has to be.

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Posted by on February 5, 2011. Filed under Advice,Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
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11 Responses to Fantasy sports- Yes, they are for wingnuts.

  1. Joe Hagstrom

    February 5, 2011 at 7:29 am

    One would think that Joe the Sports guy here would be into fantasy sports.

    One would be wrong. They bore me. I can spend that valuble time reading the fine articles from the gifted writers at MadMike’s America.

  2. Dusty

    February 5, 2011 at 9:50 am

    What!!! I am stunned Joe, simply stunned. πŸ˜‰

  3. Joe Hagstrom

    February 5, 2011 at 10:17 am

    I don’t even know how you would pick winners in second tier PGA tournaments. The top 125 exempt tour has been rewarding mediocrity for years. The same 70 or so at the bottom play every week just to keep their cards. They learn nothing from Tiger or Phil or Jack on how to prepare. But to pick one as a top finisher is pretty much a crap shoot.

    • Dusty

      February 5, 2011 at 11:05 am

      I am trying to pick a bottom feeder to stay that way and one of the bottom feeders was in first..lemme look..Who in the hell is Tommy Gainey? I dunno but the bastard is tied for first and I put him up as he finished in the bottom tier last year Joe. HE IS SCREWING ME JOE..HE IS FRIGGIN SCREWING ME!!!!

  4. Joe Hagstrom

    February 5, 2011 at 11:34 am

    Who could blame a guy for wanting to screw a chick with a nice brown ass Dusty?

    • Michael John Scott

      February 5, 2011 at 11:40 am

      Fantasy “SPORTS” Joe. “SPORTS” πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

    • Dusty

      February 5, 2011 at 12:37 pm

      True Joe but the Ball n’ Chain frowns upon me frolicking w/guys that wear shoes w/cleats as it messes up the hardwood floors in the house. πŸ˜‰

      • Joe Hagstrom

        February 5, 2011 at 2:14 pm

        As a fellow guy your old man should realize that sometimes you need some traction.

        • Dusty

          February 5, 2011 at 6:49 pm

          That’s what the oriental rug is for..

  5. Michael John Scott

    February 5, 2011 at 11:39 am

    Hmm…Fantasy Sports. Never knew there was such a thing. I’ll have to look into this.

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