8 Ways To Stop Masturbating Mormon Style
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Those crazy Mormons are at it again with a guide, not to underwear styles this time, but how to stop the evil curse of masturbation.
Now we all know that everyone masturbates, even Mormons, they just lie about it while praising the Lord and Joseph Smith, or they have one of their many wives do it for them, which is OK because they are married.
Did you know that interrogation specialists are taught that everyone lies and everyone masturbates? So if you lie about either you’ve just proven yourself to be a liar which makes for a great start toward getting that confession.
The fact is masturbation is a normal, healthy human practice, and is only made into a curse by the Mormons, who make everything fun, happy, pleasure filled, and liberating somehow evil. While doing that they are also cursing homosexuality, abortion, Atheism, gambling, drinking, pornography (!), and did I mention Atheism (?) as the devil’s doing. Plural marriage on the other hand is not so bad, although the Morms are claiming they don’t do that anymore (anyone watch Big Love?).
Now that being said here is the latest from the Church of the Latter Day Saints:
- Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.
- If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, you must break off their friendship. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don’t suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken out of your mind for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.
- When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes — just long enough to bathe and dry and dress and then get out of the bathroom into a room where you will have some member of your family present.
- When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.
- If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, get out of bed and go into the kitchen and fix yourself a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you get your mind on something else. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.
- Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember — “First a thought, then an act.” The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.
- Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books — Church books — Scriptures — Sermons of the Brethren. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels — Matthew, Mark, Luke and John — above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.
- Pray. But when you pray, don’t pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep it in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, but keep the problem out of your mind by not mentioning it ever — not in conversation with others, not in your prayers. keep it out of your mind!
The attitude of a person toward his problem has an effect on how easy it is to overcome. It is essential that a firm commitment be made to control the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the behavior, and is sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the act, he develops the power to control it.
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[…] que le porno et se résument essentiellement aux conseils du manuel de lutte contre la masturbation que l'église mormone a publié. Il n'explique jamais une seule fois comment vaincre une toxicomanie, comment faire […]
Just in case you’re wondering… We think masturbation is bad because not being married and using it is uses gods sacred plan to reproduce. It’s basically going to waste. We don’t gamble because its risky. We don’t look at porn because it affects marriages. Etc.
There is no god and no sacred plan, and if there were Joseph Smith just didn’t pull it out of his hat. Literally. Gotta love South Park.
No, no you don’t…
Do the Mormons ever check their hands for hair?
#4 would explain the Mormon’s “holy underwear”. Guess masturbation has been a no-no for Mormons for a lomg time. Maybe they should just relax and enjoy it. Try it, you’ll like it.
Masturbation is rejected by Mormons because 1. It leads to impure thoughts. 2. It can lead to addiction(which if anyone in this chatroom had any common sense, they would know that can destroy some one’s life!) But it appears most people’s minds have been tricked by Satan into believing that “it’s ok” “it won’t hurt anyone” “its just a little fun.” Why don’t you go ask someone who has suffered from masturbation addiction if they think it is “natural, or normal” in any way. And they don’t even have to be Mormons.
Is this like all those people who will claim that they are ‘addicted to homosexuality’ or equally absurd things?
I hope this is just a clever Poe, but sadly, I highly doubt that. Anyone who is made to feel bad about an entirely natural act (especially if they are taught that doing so will destroy their lives or is caused by the influence by a supernatural Bogey man like Satan) may start to think it is an addiction. Just another way that religion can screw up a person.
So if you are entirely honest, thanks for reminding me of why I do everything I can to take a stand against the irrationality that is unquestioning belief.
Every one of those suggestions is the exact opposite of what you should do. If you feel the urge to masturbate and want to rid yourself of it, there are only two ways, and both are good.
1. Have sex.
2. Masturbate.
Problem solved.
With or thinking about bearded women.
So, what I am getting is, some people fantasizing about men with beards?
I think I prefer women with beards 🙂
Wait a minute Holte! I am an old man with a beard!
I didn’t think I had a problem with masturbation, until I read this piece, and caught myself choking the chicken by number 2. I think it was that my mind veered off into fantasizing about having a whole bunch of wives that all look like Christina Hendricks. From now on, when the urge strikes, like right now, I’ll just say to myself, over and over, Joseph Smith, Joseph Smith, Joseph Smith, and order a deep pan crust with all the toppings. But then, I would look at the pizza and think it looks like a big booby, and I’d be off at it again, like an out of control jack hammer. Joseph Smith, Joseph Smith…
LOL! Personally I prefer Sandra Bullock…wait!! Joseph Smith, Joseph Smith, Joseph Smith…..
I’m glad you enjoyed the original piece and thank you for the link!
You’re more than welcome. Thank you.
What can ya say? LMFAO! What bozos.
Ain’t they though? Can you imagine living a life like that? Condemning everything that is fun and normal.
This is basic cognitive intervention stuff. It was a fun read, except–hm, I’d like to see how #5 would play out with those on the new “Addicted to Food” series. In my mind, masturbation seems healthier than over-eating (and probably less likely to contribute to heart disease), but that’s spoken from a bit of a food addict, so what do I know? I’d think that the food addicts might benefit from taking their mind off of food by…well, never mind.
And then there’s the matter of #2. (Oops, did I just start a sentence with “and”? Well, it is a post about bad habits, so what the h*ll.) How do people go about finding out that they and their friends suffer from a similiar “affliction” that almost by definition takes place in privacy? Those must be quite intimate friendships. That, or #2 is in sole reference to the characters on “Seinfeld.” Interesting stuff.
You’re a food addict? Who knew? 🙂
You know what they say…crunch loudly, and carry a low-calorie stash. Or was it something about softly and a stick?
I laughed a bit about #1. I am checking the internet want ads for a maid to be here wash my private parts since I can only touch it during toilet activities. I forgot they took Adult Services off Craig’s List. Dammit. Oh Well. 🙂