Carl the Lawn Guy Talks Some Serious [Doo-doo]
Read Time:2 Minute, 16 Second
This is the same conversation I have had many times with lawn clients right before firing myself:
“Excuse me, Carl,” says my lawn client. “From now on I would like you to bag the grass, instead of leaving the clippings on the lawn.”
“What clippings?” I ask, looking across a perfectly manicured and green lawn.
“Well, I noticed that you don’t use a bagger on your mower, and I would like you to start doing that,” says the cretin.
“Why?” I ask.
“Because that’s the way you are supposed to do it.”
“Says who?” I ask.
My cretinous client becomes flustered. “Because that’s the way you are supposed to do it!”
“No,” I say. “That’s not the way you are supposed to do it. Eat shit. I’m finished here. If you want an idiot that doesn’t know shit about how to maintain a healthy turf environment, and will do what ever you ask them to, no matter how disastrous the consequences, hire the kid down the street.” For emphasis I piss on my ex-client’s Japanese maple in the flower bed to the right of the front door and leave.
Since you are not a bobble-headed douche bag, I’ll share with you the secret of why only an idiot would waste their time bagging lawn clippings. The reason is pure shit–the kind that comes out of your ass.
Never, ever, bag your clippings. Don’t fertilize your lawn with some high nitrogen artificial crap from Home Depot that slowly poisons your lawn with salts, either. Get the good stuff–brown gold, I call it; full of biosolids. You’ll notice on the bag, it’ll say something like “6-3-0-2fe Biosolids.” If you know how to read that, you’d be right to ask, where’s the flippin’ nitrogen, Carl? Bare with me.
You spread the organic fertilizer with biosolids (that literally comes from toilets all over the country, like Houston, Texas) at a rate of about one bag per 1000 square feet. The worms eat the shit–they love it. The worms shit, and the microbials (microscopic bugs in your lawn) eat the worms’ shit–they love it. The microbial shit is high in nitrogen, and it gets released right at the roots of the grass plants.
Before long your lush lawn will be full of microbials eating your lawn clippings, making love and multiplying, eating thatch (accumulated grass clippings), and turning the clippings into nitrogen.
Think of it as instant Gaia from a toilet.
Carl the Lawn Guy is available to tend to all of your lawn needs. Rates are reasonable, verbal abuse is certain. carl@i’llmakeyourf-eduplawnlookgreat.com
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I’m convinced that Carl is my guy and I’m going to write him right now. Thanks a lot.
Bio-solids? Got it!! Thanks 🙂
My dog always poops in the same zone in my back yard, and I have to say, it is the greenest part of the yard.
This Carl guy is beginning to worry me, he seems to be carrying the same attitude as a certain Dear Maddy. Does Carl drink a lot and then get all argumentative?
No, this is what he’s like when he’s sober. Carl has never told me this, but my suspicion is that he tends to be bent out of shape because he’s really a knowledgeable guy when it comes to the horticultural thing, but gets treated like an idiot by some customers who think they know better than he does. That really pisses him off.
So all I have to do is shit on my lawn and it’ll be perfect???
…if I get arrested on the front lawn I will expect your testimony to get me off!!!
You got a deal.