Dear Maddy answers Rapture questions

I was trying to enjoy my retirement, but my mailbox is overflowing with letters from nincompoops concerned people who are scared shitless out of their minds about this May 21, 2011, Rapture, end of the world, judgement day crap business.

 
Dear Maddy – I am convinced that May 21, 2011 will be the end of the world. I am a good person and my kids are good kids, so I’m sure we will be Raptured. I’m sure their fathers are good people too, if I knew who they were. Are you a believer Maddy?
Donna Hotknickers – Crazy Street, Cape Fear, NC.

Dear Maddy says – I am a believer Donna, a very strong believer. My god is Martha Stewart. Just like you, when Harold Camping says something, you believe, when Martha speaks I respond the same. Her recipe for Deviled Eggs is to die for.
 

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Dear Maddy – My family and I will be Raptured on May 21. Heaven be praised. I have been rushing around settling my affairs, but I forgot to pay my car off. Would you pay it for me? We owe $5,500, I will send you the money. I don’t want to leave this Earth with a bad credit rating.
Panicked but Serene – Nutsville, MS

Dear Maddy says – Absolutely darling, rush out to the Post Office and overnight me the cash. No checks and no refunds.
 

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Dear Maddy – I do not believe in The Rapture, it is a bunch of horse doo. But in case I am wrong, and it all hits the fan on May 21, do you have any advice for us non-believers?
C. Hitchens – Underground Bunkerville, NY

Dear Maddy says – How refreshing, a non idiot concerned person. My advice to you is, pop round for cocktails on May 22. I will be here all day.
 

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