So, you want to be a lawyer? The law school scam

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A purely fictional encounter between a would-be student and a law school dean that would only happen in an alternative universe where it is impossible to lie.

Chad had seen every episode of Law & Order and knew he was going to go to law school. His heart was set on it. It wasn’t one thing in particular he thought he was after, but the whole bag. He was dead set on becoming a lawyer for the glamor, the money and prestige, and the intellectual stimulation. He had to do something since he didn’t have high hopes that his degree in Comparative Literature and Humanities would take him far.

“So, you want to be a lawyer?” Dean Holbrook asked Chad sitting at the other side of his desk at the school of law. Chad admired Dean Holbrook’s bow tie, and wondered what he would look like in one.

“Well, yes sir, I do,” said Chad.

“Don’t do it,” said Dean Holbrook rising to his haunches to shake hands with Chad, signaling that the meeting was over.

“What? Wait. But I want to,” pleaded Chad. “I want to go to law school and be a lawyer. I want an intellectually challenging career, to make a good living, and enjoy the prestige of an ancient profession.”

“Sure, who wouldn’t? But it’s not happening here, man. Forget about it. Law school isn’t for you. In fact, it isn’t for anybody.”

“What do you mean?” asked Chad slumping in his chair.

“Here’s the deal, um…” Holbrook paused to look down at Chad’s file. “…um, Chad. First of all, American law schools are pumping out 40,000 new lawyers a year. At the same time, lawyers, like account representatives at call centers are being outsourced overseas. Law firms are laying off associates. There are too many sole practitioners with their shingles hung at the street level, and not enough clients to go around. People are figuring out how to do their own divorces, and draft their own wills. Chances are damn good you’ll graduate 100 g’s in debt or more, and you won’t have a viable means to pay that back–not in one life time,” said Dean Holbrook with a rolling belly laugh.

“But, but, I’m different. I’m a go-getter. It’ll be different for me.”

“No it won’t. Well, maybe. It’s a long shot.” A sinister grin broke across Holbrook’s face that reminded Chad of watching ice crack on a pond. “Let’s say you do go to law school, get out and land a good job. It’s a hard scrabbled existence. IF YOU ARE LUCKY you’ll make some big bucks working very long hours. You won’t have time to spend your money. Vacations–forget it. Meaningful relationships? You won’t have time. It’s called ‘high paid misery.‘ IF YOU ARE REALLY LUCKY you’ll like it. You’ll enjoy the acrimony, the incivility and flack you’ll catch from your clients, other lawyers and judges constantly at odds with you. You’ll wake up every morning with the smell of litigation in your nostrils hungering for a fight. But if you are like most lawyers, you’ll burn out from all of that fun and find yourself awash in misery. You’ll rue the day you made the mistake and signed the dotted line on your student loan agreement. You’ll feel trapped.”

Chad gulped.

“If you are really unlucky,” said Holbrook leaning over his desk, almost whispering, “you’ll get a job as a lawyer, but be of the ranks of the ‘walking wounded,‘ miserable beyond repair–clinically depressed because you hate your job so much. You’ll be the one out of three lawyers for whom every bar association has a helpline established for you to call because you feel like you are at the brink of a complete nervous breakdown, and all the booze you drink, the pills you pop, and other drugs you take aren’t doing the trick anymore. How’s that for glamor and prestige?

“Nobody wins this game except me and my law school, and all the other law schools. You pay us 43 g’s a year, we rake it in, spit you out and laugh all the way to the bank, while you stagger weeping all the way to the poorhouse or the looney bin.

“So what do you say, um,” Holbrook peaked down at Chad’s file, “Chad. You game?”

“Uh, I think you made your point, Dean Holbrook. I’m going stop by the school of nursing and talk to them.”

“Wise choice, son. Wise choice.”

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Collin Hinds

Senior Writer and editor.
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12 years ago

By the way…why am I green and why have I got wings and why do I look like a KFC that’s gone rotten?…Is this the vodka or is something weird going on?

Reply to  Jihad punk
12 years ago

Alert! Alert! JP, you’ve been outed. Or should I say “bwahahahaha”… 4D.

12 years ago

I’d be a good lawyer I would…I’m always pissed so that has to be a plus?

lazersedge
Reply to  Jihad punk
12 years ago

Always being pissed does not make you a good lawyer my friend. What it may do is give you a lot of ulcers, cause to drink a lot, and end up in rehab, or end up in jail for contempt of court. The old Dean was being truthful. I met a young lady tending bar in New Orleans who gave up trying to practice law because she said the bar tending job paid better to listen to peoples problems and she met a nicer clientele.

Jon Adams
12 years ago

Well crap, there goes that career idea.

12 years ago

I think this goes for a lot of programs in the present day. Schools would do a great public service to be more honest with their (current and prospective) students about their respective fields of interest, and their prospects within those fields. Great article!

lazersedge
Reply to  Greenlight
12 years ago

Truer words have never been spoken G.L. my dear.

Reply to  lazersedge
12 years ago

Thanks, Lazer!

Admin
12 years ago

Great read. Thanks Collin.

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