Spousal cheating: How far will commitment take you?
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What is cheating? What is commitment?
Okay, back to psychology, and to the heart of my career and issues. This week’s theme appears to be that of ‘cheating’ on your spouse. I quote that, because my definition may vary a good deal from yours, and that, in essence, is this particular topic. What is cheating? What is commitment?
In my practice, I see children, teens, and adults – both male and female… and to be quite honest with you, each of these age groups deal with their own bitter betrayals…. Need I remind you how Dylan refused to let Chloe sit next to him at the lunch table, because Madison had tickets to the Maverick’s game??? (They are 9).
So let’s enter grown-up ville. Men, prepare to be offended. I’m sorry, that’s just how it goes…. And until my practice has a plethora of men complaining on cheating wives (I know it actually happens), then I can only report one side.
What is cheating? No, seriously, what is it? Now that we are in the modern age of technology of all sorts, and now that Mr. Weiner is also aware of technology, he reminds us that every person is at risk. Wait, that reminds me to ask something even more benign. What is risk? Who is at risk? Is it a relationship that is dull, old, or safe? Is it a couple that fights, couples that are geographically removed? And how far will commitment take you down the road? I really aim to someday publish these results… so you can assist me now. For the time being, I will discuss my ‘here and now’ cases:
Kelley comes to see me weekly because she hates her husband. Yes, hates. She says he travels frequently and has ‘friends’ in every locale. She stays because she cannot afford to leave. Is she committed or is she scared? Or is she both, and how to decide the difference between the two?
Debra’s husband has ‘on occasion’, hired a prostitute. He travels frequently to Malaysia, and says he ‘missed his wife’ – uhhh, really?? Note to self: please never miss me. And then there are the generic versions… we were fighting and he strayed…. It was a bad day… blah blah blah…. Committed, or need to BE committed??? And here is the toughest question ever asked of me.
‘What would you do’? —- Oh man. Don’t ask. Guys, I love you, but I wrote in Lorena Bobbitt for President ‘back in the day’ – just sayin’ —-But don’t fret. I never give my opinion. I want to. I want to tell everyone what I think, but alas, I choose not to. Darn those ethics. Darn that open mind set. Now, had I been a family law/divorce attorney, then sista’ I’m all over ya!
So, what is cheating? A NYC poll states that women OVERWHELMINGLY would prefer a man to be with a prostitute once a week rather than have lunch daily with a secretary. Curious isn’t it? What about on the internet? If there are activities taking place there… is that infidelity? If so, at what point? Where is the boundary crossed? Texting/Sexting, ‘im’ing’, I don’t know if this is the same with men… but I would love to find out. Is commitment the same? Is it emotional/physical, or what?
Obviously, women have issues with emotional/social connections. When it comes to their partners, this appears to be the hard pressing issue. With men, what I have seen is the physical issue is the boundary to not be crossed. Since I’m still learning, please feel free to educate me. I am prepared to learn throughout this lifetime.
As for my nine year old friends… Now that the Mavericks lost, Dylan, what are you gonna do?
Tell us what you think? Is there a difference between being with a prostitute and “cheating” with your secretary.
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I remember my first wife cheating on me. Sparing the details, I forgave her, but 3 years later she still had to go “find herself.” Sometimes us guys, as I was told, are just too good for our own sakes. A lot of people think the grass is greener on the other side, but when they get there find themselves knee deep in shit.
Cheating is any action with another person that you would not want your spouse to know about, plain and simple. For some it is a prostitute for others it is an online friend. If the spouse is okay with either of these scenarios, then it is not cheating.its the deception that usually ruins the relationship along with the wounded ego.
The reason why most women would choose the prostitute option is because they have been socially conditioned to believe that “its just sex” and that it means nothing. It does mean something, it means that they find sex with their wife unfulfilling. It also means it is so unfulfilling that they are willing to risk bringing a disease home to their wife. If any woman thinks that a man loves them while participating in this behavior, then I have a large lovely bridge in San Francisco that I’d like to sell them.
Men like having someone at home to take care of the home and the children. And they don’t like change. That is what they are afraid of losing. Oh, and their money. They have a hiuge fear of losing their money and home. They say “it was just sex and it means nothing” in order not to lose those things.
But it always means something.
But if a woman would prefer her husband has sex with a stranger who has sex with other strangers all day long instead of having lunch with a secretary, I would say its time to make that appointment with a therapist.. If someone had rather risk getting a terrible disease than to have to think about their husband complimenting his secretary, its time to realize it is all about ego.
Cheating hurts because we have been deceived and because it also damages our ego. Most men cheat to inflate their ego. Cheating rarely has to do with sex, it usually has to do with ego and/or feeling in control.
Hey Chris – I am also on the same page with you. It is interesting to hear different perspectives that vary so much from my own. At the end of the day, however, it is not me that will go home to this…. but if I do, you know my stance! 😉
That is the essence of my point Chris. However, in this world today a lot of men use sex as a symbol of power and control. Often times it is those who, for one reason or another, feel the need for absolute power and control, or the exact opposite, to turn over all power and control, who seek outside adventures. They feel that within their own relationships they expose too many vulnerabilities. I am not saying this is the norm, what ever that is, but it is often there. In the most extreme examples you will find the serial rapist and serial killers trying to exert control that they felt they never had in their lives.
I agree. The reason why so many politicians and celebrities cheat is because they have power hungry personalities to begin with. When they are married to a woman who no longer thinks they are a “big deal”, they feel that “don’t you know how awesome I am” thing. So, they decide to “show them” and find a female who looks at them with batty eyed admiration. Their ego gets fed and they feel more in control of their life when they get back home. When their wife isn’t interested in sex, they usually look for it elsewhere not really for a sexual release because they can do that in the bathroom at any time (or any part of the house when nobody is home), they do it to feel desirable again so that their ego is repaired somewhat. Being turned down sexually makes men question their attractiveness in general. Men cheat with their secretaries fairly often because very often they find an attraction to their boss. Just as men feel attractive when they feel powerful, women are attracted to men with some type of power. Well, until they marry them and start seeing them as just the lazy husband who won’t take out the trash. So ladies, you can dress up in outfits and hang from a trapeze in the bedroom but if you still nag him about little stuff (or big stuff) later, you are setting up a cheating husband. Because again, it all boils down to feeding the ego and regaining control, even if its only in their mind.
Waht a waste of space. There is no definitive information in this article and no conclusions. What’s the point? For the author to ask the 12 readers of MadMike’s America a few lame questions?
I appreciate the feedback!
Sagacious you are not Mr. Hillbilly, although intoxicated you may be if your writing is any indication, not to mention your rather skewed thought process. This isn’t a news item you idiot, or is your brain dulled beyond the point where recognition of that fact escapes you?
I suspect, SH, you are referring to your woeful little blogspot when you are talking about readership. We averaged over 1.5 million last year alone. Secondly, while opinions are welcome here insults are not. I suspect we shall do just fine without appearing on your blogroll.
This is a marvelous article although I don’t personally feel that cheating is an unforgivable sin. Everyone in the world is human and as such are subject to human failings. To err is human and to forgive is divine. Wish I could remember who said that.
Alexander Pope… however, I will for future reference, give Cheshire Cat the accolades 😉
Wow! Talking about a hot spot. I noticed that everyone has just jumped right in here to give you their two cents cents worth Tamra. Good thought provoking read though.
Kelly Doesn’t hate her husband. She doesn’t like what he does, but he keeps coming home to her. Somewhere in her head that is still some level of stability. If she wanted to leave him and she could prove infidelity, she could afford it. Even if she couldn’t, somewhere she is saying that if she hangs in there long enough his meandering will stop, but then will she be happy, I doubt it. She likes conflict.
You didn’t say how Debra felt. Make him blood test every time he comes home for STD. Every woman I have ever heard discuss this worry more about the lunch with the secretary than and hour with a prostitute. Why? Its all about the emotional attachment. The old saying that “men don’t pay a prostitute for sex, they pay them to leave”, or some configuration of that is basically true. On the other hand, in discussing this with male friends over many years there is another issue you might find interesting Tamra, strictly for professional reasons of course.
In this day and time, and I am referring to at least the past decade, many people, but especially males, have begun to feel powerless and not in control of themselves or their lives. When they are home with their wives they are on equal footing with no right to demand or expect certain things unless they reach an agreement with their wives over it. This generally refers to sex but it could be other things such as the wife reminds him of his financial obligations, his work problems, his own short comings that his wife may call B.S. on. The number of women in the work force today has probably increased the number of women who seek the same kind of escape. With a temporary partner those things don’t exist especially if it is a prostitute.
When I go back to my home town I run into a couple of friends from my short run in high school who became, as they preferred to be called “Gentlemen’s Ladies”. Never heard that phrase before but I guess it was their business. I had first run into them about 20 years ago after they had retired and were living together. They always said that men often told them that it was really nice just to be able to relax with no pressures, and generally get anything they wanted just by asking. They said they knew more about the men’s home life and their business than probably the wives did.
So back to your original question. What is cheating? To a woman is, more than anything else, emotional. Physical cheating, within reason is acceptable to most women as long as it doesn’t embarrass them, aka Tiger Woods. To men, it is both. Men are the dogs here. They, generally speaking are territorial in a very primal way.
OK, maybe this will spark some conversation.
For me, it’s all about the deception–if you’ve decided to share your life with someone, there’s a unique comfort and bond in knowing that you can turn to them and trust in them regardless, and that they can do the same with you. When one starts to deceive the other, that bond is broken. The deeper the deception, the greater the harm.
As far as the secretary-versus-prostitute scenarios go… Again, it comes down to deception and its depth. If there’s no dishonesty, I see no harm in a friendly relationship with a secretary, and if it’s an open relationship and both parties are in agreement, I see no harm in the prostitute. On the other hand, in the more likely scenario of the partner sneaking around to see the secretary or sleep with prostitutes, there is a great deal of deception and potential harm involved. Either deception is hurtful in a relationship. Maybe I’m unique for this as a female, but I see more potential harm in the prostitution scenario–one can pick up and recover, whether together or apart, from emotional hurt, but there are potentially fatal consequences from the prostitution (or any sexual) scenario. I understand that India is struggling with HIV/AIDS issues due to truckers frequenting prostitutes and bringing it home to their wives, and I have no doubt that other nations are facing similar problems. I’ve been on discussion boards of betrayed spouses (feel free to connect those dots), and far too many have stories to share of contracting diseases from what they had believed to be monogamous partners.
The fact is, there is no more significant gift that one can give than to commit their life to another. To betray that commitment is harmful regardless of the details. There are benefits to lifelong commitment, and reasons to abstain from making one, and I have no stance on what is right for any given individual. I do believe, though, that our society would bypass a whole lot of harm if only those truly interested in committing would do so.
Oh yeah–and great post, Tamra. 🙂
Greenlight – I think you and I are on the same page… again, it is an individual decision. I do, however, think that the modern age of technology has made it ‘easier’ to venture out.
Lasersedge – Awesome points… and very insightful. I think you are correct in that this will always, and ultimately, be an individual decision. It’s interesting that it is an ongoing topic (and probably will be).