Biden Hates Trans Am

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The Truth about Joe Biden’s Trans Am
In White House Driveway

Joe Biden has been pretty much off the radar lately. Mad Mike’s America knows why—he’s attending to important matters.

You already know most of this story about Joe Biden. However, you may not know the whole story. He has a few things to say to the American people. The vice president waxed eloquently about his classic car that the Secret Service won’t let him drive. Biden made glowing remarks about his about his 1967 Goodwood-green Corvette, 327, 350-horse, with a rear-axle ratio that really gets up and goes. The Secret Service won’t let me drive it. I’m not allowed to drive anything. It’s the one thing I hate about this job. I’m serious. How cool is that?

He decided to get back at the Secret Service. One day, a fed-up Biden sped up the White House driveway gunning his hard-top, V-8, 454-hp 1981 Trans Am. He ditched a day of presiding over the Senate to give the twin cannons some sun.

As he roared into the driveway shortly before noon, he pulled a few fancy J-turns, and then came to a screeching halt. Before he got out of the car, he stayed in the car to listen to Night Ranger’s Rock In America, Sammy Hagar’s I Can’t Drive 55, and Los Lobos’ La Bamba blaring from his car’s MP3 player. Biden spent several listening to music, then drummed his fingers on the steering wheel of the bitchin’ car.

He jumped out the car and decided to take advantage of the warm weather Monday, Biden removed his undershirt, and spent a leisurely afternoon washing the muscle car and drinking beer.

The shirtless VP then entered the executive residence and greeted employees with a round of high fives. He acquired the necessary washing materials from the White House fleet staff, then returned to the driveway to spend several moments staring at the firebird decal on the hood of his car.

He has an annual tradition of taking a day off every year to wash and tune-up the white Pontiac. In 2008, Biden reportedly missed two dozen Senate sessions in order to spend some quality time taking care of [his] baby.

Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT) told media, He does this every year and it really seems to rejuvenate him. Since 2001, his Trans Am and Corvette were up on blocks in the National Mall. He was so busy rotating the tires on all of his muscle cars he bailed on confirmation hearings for Condoleezza Rice as the new Secretary of State.

Dodd added, What’re you gonna do, though. His fleet of cars rock!

Biden then spent the next 15 minutes boasting about the features on his Trans Am.

The vice president beamed, stating, She’s a real beaut, ain’t she?. He popped open a bottle of cold beer, tilted his head back, and took a long guzzle. Back when Smokey And The Bandit came out, everyone wanted a black paint job. Looking back now, I’m thankful the dealership didn’t have it in stock.

They don’t make kick-ass T-tops like this anymore, sweetheart. Check out these gold snowflake rims. They’re a real bitch to clean, but they’re totally worth it.

For the remainder of the day, Biden occupied himself with hosing off his car, gave the side doors an extra coat of wax, and threw out a variety of items from beneath its front seats, including crumpled-up fast food wrappers cigarette butts, loose change, and Senate Bill S. 486 authored by Sen. John Ashcroft back in 1999.

According to White House officials, Biden hung out in the driveway long after dusk, revved the engine at passersby, and explained the intricacies of a turbocharged V-8 motor to anyone within earshot.

Turns out Vice President Biden was quite embarrassed by The Onion story and debunked it. You think I’d drive a Trans Am? I have been in my bathing suit in my driveway and not only washed my Goodwood-green 1967 Corvette but also simonized it. At least the Onion should have had me washing a Trans Am convertible. I love convertibles.