God Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder

Is God bipolar?

The touch of divine manic-depression is found throughout the Universe, from the white-hot explosiveness of quasars to the cold, lifeless vacuum of space. Does this infinite polarity point to God?

NEW HAVEN, CT: In a diagnosis that helps explain the confusing and contradictory aspects of the cosmos that have baffled philosophers, theologians, and other students of the human condition for millennia, God, creator of the universe and longtime deity to billions of followers, was found Monday to suffer from bipolar disorder.

The Lord, found to be manic-depressive by (Rev) Dr. J. Henry Jurgens, a practicing psychiatrist and doctor of divinity at Yale University Divinity School, announced the historic diagnosis at a press conference.

“I always knew there had to be some explanation,” Jurgens said. “And, after several years of patient research and long sessions with God Almighty through the intercessionary medium of prayer, I was able to pinpoint the specific nature of His problem.”

Bipolar, or manic-depressive, disorder is a condition that afflicts millions. Characterized by cycles of elation followed by bouts of profound depression and despair, the disorder can wreak havoc on both the sufferer and his or her loved ones, particularly if it goes undetected and untreated for an extended period. Though the condition is estimated to affect, in one form or another, 5 percent of the world’s population, Monday marks the first time it has been diagnosed in a major deity.

god bi-polar madmikesamerica

Evidence of God’s manic-depression can be found throughout the Universe, from the white-hot explosiveness of quasars to the cold, lifeless vacuum of space. However, theologians note, humanity’s exposure to God’s affliction comes primarily through His confusing propensity to alternately reward and punish His creations with little rhyme or reason.

“Last week, I lost my dear husband Walter to the flood,” said housewife and devout churchgoer Elaine Froman of Davenport, IA. “I asked myself, ‘Why? Why would God do something like this, especially when He had just helped Walter overcome a long battle with colon cancer, and we were so happy that we finally had a chance to start our lives anew?'”

New York attorney Ruth Kanner also gained firsthand knowledge of God’s wild mood swings.

“Last Saturday, on a gorgeous spring afternoon, I was jogging in Central Park with my daughter. We were marveling at the beauty and majesty of nature, and I remember thinking what a wonderful world we live in. Then, out of nowhere, I heard the gunfire,” said Kanner, speaking from her hospital bed at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center. “All they took was a measly $17, and for that, the doctors say my daughter will never walk again. If only Our Holy Father didn’t have those mental problems, my precious Katie might not be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life.

Jurgens stressed that God’s earthly subjects need to understand that, because of His bipolar condition, He is not in control of His actions and does not realize how they affect others.

“What He needs from us is understanding and patience,” Jurgens said. “To paraphrase the words of the Lord God Himself, ‘Humans, forgive Him, for He knows not what He does.'”

Taken on the same day, these photos offer evidence of God’s mood disorder.

While such drugs as Paxil, Prozac, and Zoloft have proven effective in the treatment of bipolar disorder among humans, there is no modern earthly medicine that can be prescribed for a deity as vast and complex as God. Jurgens is in the process of forming a support group, “Living With A Bipolar Creator-Deity,” for all of humanity to “get together and discuss their feelings about living in a universe run by an Omnipresent Loved One not fully in control of his emotions.”

Jurgens said he believes God’s essential condition is seasonal, as evidenced by the bursts of energy and elation associated with springtime and summer, followed by the decay and bleak despair of fall and winter. Sometimes, however, the condition cycles even faster.

“The average person with bipolar disorder may go through as many as 10 or 12 cycles of mania and subsequent depression in a lifetime. In severe cases, a sufferer may experience four or more per year, which is known as ‘rapid cycling,'” Jurgens said. “We believe God suffers from the even rarer ‘ultra-rapid cycling,’ which would account for the many documented cases in which He alternates between benevolence and rage toward humanity within a matter of seconds. For example, last week, He brought desperately needed, life-giving rain to southern Mali while simultaneously leveling Turkey with a devastating earthquake.”

Further evidence of God’s manic-depression can be found in the Bible, in which the erotomania of the Song of Songs sharply contrasts with the sadness and existential despair of the Book of Ecclesiastes. The Book of Job, Jurgens noted, marks the best example of His condition. The book begins with the bleak lamentations of Job and ends with a full-blown manic episode by God, complete with such classic bipolar symptoms as the illusion of omnipotence and delusions of grandeur.

“One of the major ‘heresies’ of Christian history is the Gnostic belief that the Creator, or ‘demiurge,’ of this troubled world is a blind, idiot god who is insane,” Jurgens said. “This idea surfaces in many religious traditions around the globe. As it turns out, they were only half right: God has His problems like anyone else, but He is essentially trying His best. He just has a condition that makes His emotions fly out of control at times.”

“So it’s up to us to make the best of God’s emotional problems,” Jurgens continued. “Thus, mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly upward.”

Originally published here on August 10, 2010, edited from The Onion, May 2, 2001 | ISSUE 37•16

Socrates and many ancient Grecian considered mystical initiations and rituals a type of madness. Bipolar disorder is considered the disease of the intelligent. So, what do you think, is God or the universe bipolar?

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Posted by on September 15, 2011. Filed under atheism/agnostic/spiritual,Commentary. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry
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20 Responses to God Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder

  1. Teeluck Reply

    August 15, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    I knew there was something wrong with that SOB!!

  2. Gwendolyn H. Barry Reply

    August 15, 2010 at 7:49 pm

    Brilliant sweetie! GOOD GOOD GOOD to see you here. Hope all is well…. and fucking miss you! LOL Hurry back. 🙂

  3. Krell Reply

    August 15, 2010 at 7:53 pm

    That was great! Also hope everything gets better with your challenges. It can be a struggle sometimes.

  4. osori Reply

    August 15, 2010 at 8:25 pm

    Stella! Era un placer a leer tu post, disfruto mucho tus escribiendos!

    Bipolar disorder – explains a lot. Sitting in the airport laughing, then ruminated a bit on the fact I’m gonna be in an airplane in a while so said a couple extra hail marys and our fathers.

  5. A Michael J. Scott Reply

    August 15, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    Welcome back Sis! We’ve missed you. Great article. I’m still laughing.

  6. Will "take no prisoners" Hart Reply

    August 15, 2010 at 11:18 pm

    I’m thinking that he might have a drinking problem, too……P.S. STEEEEELLLLLLAAAAAA!

  7. lazersedge Reply

    August 16, 2010 at 2:02 am

    I have missseddd you so much my dear Stella. Wonderful to have you back. Great piece dear.

  8. The Lawyer Reply

    August 16, 2010 at 8:52 am

    I knew it. It all makes so much sense now.

  9. Stella by Starlight Reply

    August 16, 2010 at 10:52 pm

    I miss you all, too. VERY MUCH. :~) Will try to blog by cell when I can. When I get to a computer, I look forward to giving you all the updates on the Brown/Witless and Boxer/Fartorita races. Witless already spent $104 million on her campaign, which is replete with bald-faced lies about Jerry (see factcheck.org). Well, I now have “tired thumb syndrome,” and will try to post as much as I can…

  10. loveGod Reply

    November 29, 2010 at 11:42 pm

    You people are so wrong about God. For one, you need to read the Bible! There is nothing wrong with the Almighty and He is in control of his emotions better than anyone else is. And do not blame Him for your problems and for the world the way it is, it is our own faults and our own stupidity, making stupid choices that we have made that causes us to lead unhappy lives. We are born into sin because of the fall of Adam and Eve, tempted by Satan. The person who wrote this article is an advocate of Satan! God is perfect in every single way, including his emotions and well being!! There is nothing wrong with Him, it is you that is wrong! What a bunch of lies, lies, lies!! Shame on you for making up these lies. I would not want to be you when the day of judgement comes and you are standing before Him. I think you better read your bible and learn about the Word of God instead people, or else. He gave up His only begotten Son, Jesus, so that we could be forgiven for our sins, because being so Holy and rightous as He is, He could not condone sin, so He had to punish His children to get them on the right path to stop sinning so much by animal sacrifices in the old testament. But, the people of Israel kept turning away from Him to worship false idols instead and committ other sins time and time again, and He kept giving them several chances, even after allowing them to be carried away into captivity by enimies, such as Babylon. But He would turn back to them because of the promise He made to Abraham, and God never, ever goes back on any of His promises!! Read the bible and see for yourselves. He had it planned out even before he created the earth that He would send His Son to redeem the world someday, so that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life (John 3:16). Now that is love!! Giving up your Son to die for the world, what better love is there? Shame on all of you for thinking these things and blaming God for your problems!! It is your own fault. If you gave your heart to Him and allow Him to be Lord in your life, He can change you and make you His child and you would experience an everlasting love unlike any you have ever known. I love Him very much, and He has made some amazing changes in me and still working on me. He would be happy to do the same for you too if you gave Him the chance. Shame on you for writing such a big huge lie about God being bipolar. Converstations with the devil is what you have been having!!

  11. Robert Douglas Reply

    November 30, 2010 at 3:16 am

    Thanks for expressing your opinion loveGod, but quite honestly, anyone who believes that the Bible (which version, by the way?)is the word of God, is I believe mistaken.. The Bible (at least the King James version) was created by multiple translations from Hebrew and Aramaic and at least three more languages (including classical Greek) by a committee of scholars directly under the control of a not-too-nice Monarch. Guess the divine right of Kings was way up there in their priorities.
    Anyway, seeing as even a modern translation from a modern language is full of ambiguities and outright errors (listen to the UN sometime)it’s close to a miracle (see, maybe there’s a grain of TRUTH in what you said)that they produced any semi-coherent sentences, let alone the WORD OF GOD

    BTW When I was a child in the 60s, the name loveGod had an entirely different meaning. Do you take much Viagra?

    • loveGod Reply

      November 30, 2010 at 8:05 pm

      I do not take any drugs. I read the bible, go to church and take classes and have learned from others who have attended bible college. The bible is written by man, yes, you are right, but it is inspired by the Holy Spirit, and that is how the 12 disciples came to going out after Jesus ascended into heaven and they were filled with His Holy Spirit. It was the Holy Spirit working through them to preach the good news and to put it into writing, which is the ancient scrolls found over there in the Holy Land. I truly believe in the Holy Spirit. Think about it. Man is not smart enough to put together such a thing as the bible and it is so full of prophcies, even in the Old Testament. Only God has the intelligence to put into His Word the bible, back then the scrolls and to do that, he used His Holy Spirit to work through the ancient people, such as Moses, who wrote a lot of the old testament and King David and others, to put into writing into the scrolls the Word of God. There have been many testamonies even in countries who were not Christians who have experienced the grace of God and recieved His Holy Spirit and were given scripture references when facing hardship and many even hear His voice. Jesus said in the bible that His sheep shall hear His voice. And these testamonies are not just heard about in just one country, but throughout the whole world by many, many people. Which version would you say is more without errors? Becuase many are the new King James version anymore. But, no way does God have bipolar disease. That is a bunch of balony! To say that would mean that He is not a perfect God, don’t you think? He is the Almighty and He is perfect and there is not one thing wrong with Him.

      • John Myste Reply

        December 26, 2010 at 11:30 pm

        LoveGod, you will probably never see this, but I would just like to offer my support of your position. God gets picked on here. He does not have bipolar disease. The idea is absurd. My unicorn and I were discussing how Emerson, my personal hero, once said: “To be great is to be understood.” I know God is great, as I heard this in a song, which is at least as credible as Heroditus, the father of history, who documents his sources when he tells us he know what the Gods intended because he heard it from some towns people in Lydia (I hope I have that quote right).

        I will begrudging grant you that there is no statistical reason to assume that Christian faith is any less valid than any other idea. Your opinion about God is no less likely true than another person’s doubt, and I tend to think it may be even more valid than my unicorn, as he is a faithless heathen.

      • lazersedge Reply

        September 15, 2011 at 7:56 pm

        Do not be so offended LoveGod. Everything is in the eye of the beholder. What you see as a perfect loving God, others see as an imperfect, confused entity whose very tenets are contradictory in and of themselves. While you have faith based upon what humans wrote down on scrolls two millennium ago based on assumptions of their sanity, others ask for a bit more hard evidence. Chill out and enjoy your ride to your whatever and let them enjoy theirs.

  12. John Myste Reply

    December 26, 2010 at 11:38 pm

    I know this post is old, but it is new to me! I am responding to it because of this comment:

    “…a blind, idiot god who is insane.” It reminds me of a comment my brother once made about Ronald Reagan. When Mr. Reagan repeatedly declared “I don’t remember” during the Iran Contra Scandal, his political enemies assumed he was lying, but a few years later he was vindicated. He really didn’t remember.

    I hope I have not offended anyone who may have a relative suffering from a similar disaease.

  13. John Myste Reply

    September 16, 2011 at 1:08 am

    LoveGod said (long ago):

    He gave up His only begotten Son, Jesus, so that we could be forgiven for our sins.

    I have a real problem with this. First, He is His only begotten son, so He really did not give up a child. In the Bible, it is a recurring theme: the worst thing you can do to someone is kill their child. That is the reason God is always killing babies in the Bible to punish parents that tick Him off. Guilt by association is another recurring theme that He tried to carry over even in the Crucifixion of His own Son to pay for our sins.

    Secondly, He still has the Son, so He did not give Him up. He wanted to trick us into believing He was willing to die, just as we have to do, and He is willing to suffer, just as We do. I doubt the Crucifixion hurt Him. Had He not lied about giving up His son, the rest would be more credible.

    What mother would be that tortured at the thought of her son dying for three days? That is not death.

    So, God was completely unwilling to give up His only begotten Son. That is how much He loved the world.

    That fact that the plan was asinine in the first place is that only thing that makes the broken promise followed by an act of cowardice somewhat forgivable.

    • Dorothy Anderson Reply

      September 16, 2011 at 10:16 am

      Maybe we should ask loveGod if Adam and Eve had bellybuttons.

  14. lazersedge Reply

    September 16, 2011 at 1:48 am

    Dorothy are you Stella or is Stella you or what. Something is funky.

  15. RickRay Reply

    September 16, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    I think we should have a debate about the FSM (Flying Spaghetti Monster). He is much more credible than the god of the fairy tale bible and has no hell but a heaven where everybody can enjoy a volcano that spews beer and a factory of strippers. I think women should write the next bible for the loonies coming up in the next few hundred years.

  16. Mark Fulton Reply

    September 1, 2013 at 11:28 pm

    I wonder, love god, have you ever had an original thought about god or Jesus; something about them that you didn’t hear in church?

    If so, would you care to share it?

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