Why religion is like a penis

Truer words were never posted. How many Jesus Jumpers do you know who are hell-bent (pun intended) on recruiting you for the Army of the Lord?

religion is like a penis

Religion is like a penis! Now this is a thought supportive of the sane among us: the American Atheist. Praise the lack of Jesus!

Hat tip to my friend David W. for this cool pic….

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Posted by on September 22, 2011. Filed under HERESY. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry
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53 Responses to Why religion is like a penis

  1. Mintabites Reply

    September 22, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    Wonderful at the word on this one and so bloody true. Good on ya!!

  2. jenny40 Reply

    September 22, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    LOL how perfect this is MM, in every single respect. I am going to share this everywhere.

  3. Jess Reply

    September 22, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    Oh Jeebus, I had more than a few this past Monday tell me I should be going to church to be saved of my atheist ways. I sang at a funeral for the mother of a friend that day and afterwards at the reception, it was oh you’re the atheist aren’t you. You should be in church thanking doG for your voice and talent. Um no, I should write my old voice coach and thank her for the lessons, but thank you very much anyway. No no, you will be saved blah blah blabbity blah. (yours truly)Um, you are assuming I have not heard about this Jesus fellow aren’t you? <<That FINALLY shut up a couple people right there.

    • Michael John Scott Reply

      September 22, 2011 at 8:02 pm

      A couple of years back I was invited to a picnic by a just met neighbor. A few hours before it began he called me and asked me what church I attended. When I told him I didn’t attend I heard the surprise in his voice. He then recommended his church which he called home. When I told him I wasn’t a church goer he said that only church goers were allowed at the picnic. Now there’s a story about penis wavin’ 🙂 🙂

      • Jess Reply

        September 22, 2011 at 8:14 pm

        What I don’t get and I mean really don’t get, is the whole assumption on the part of the tamborine banger, that we have never heard of the guy. That and the look you get when the realization hits the others in the immediate area, that you are in fact “Ohhhh! that atheist friend of x” and you are a pretty cool individual up to that point. WTF is that all about anyway? Suddenly after about half hour of really good conversation, can’t talk to you anymore in case the cooties rub off.

        • Michael John Scott Reply

          September 22, 2011 at 8:23 pm

          Exactly. Around this time I noticed a crowd of women at my gate. Knowing that although I was a fan of Elvis but not Elvis I was somewhat surprised. So I wandered down and asked what was happening. There were three women and all of them had put religious leaflets on the fence spikes. I asked them to please remove them. The inevitable question: What church do you attend? I asked why was it important? The conversation went on in a friendly manner until I announced I was an Atheist. You would have thought a skunk walked by given how their noses went up and how fast they jumped into their car and sped away.

          • Anonymous Reply

            September 27, 2011 at 3:57 pm

            That’s because it’s possible to get folks to switch brands of snake oil, but it’s near impossible to sell any brand to folks who don’t believe in the healing properties of snake oil. Even church ladies know a lost cause when they see one.

            • Andrew Reply

              October 1, 2011 at 12:48 am

              I think some of us are missing the point here. The picture, from my take on it was that we need more of a mutual respect for each other. Atheists are not evil or bad, they are people. Theists are not evil or bad, they are also people. We all have our beliefs…but that is just it, they are OUR beliefs. Personal…No need to use our beliefs like a penis. Just believe in what you choose to believe. I mean I have had great conversations with Atheists, and by great, I mean both sides were constructive. Does it really have to be about what you believe in? I mean, just live your life. If you are interested in having a conversation with a theist or atheist, by all means have a conversation. Does it really have to turn into a hate fest with people “going to hell” or “believing in that old myth”? I mean seriously, can’t people just exist? Is that such a horrendous thought? That people could coexist, knowing that their neighbor has a different set of beliefs? Why is there all of this “THEISTS JUST CAN’T LEAVE ME ALONE, IT MAKES MY LIFE SO HORRIBLE, NOW LISTEN TO ME WHINE ABOUT HOW BRAINWASHED THEY ARE!” Or “ATHEISTS ARE THE DAMNATION OF ALL HUMANITY, THEY ARE EVIL AND HELL-BOUND FOR THEIR BLASPHEMY AND SINS!”

              Honestly people? Pre-schoolers have more constructive arguments over markers than us, who call ourselves grown, rational adult human beings. When I first read this billboard, I was honestly impressed. It sends a great message. Just coexist. Live your life, and let your neighbor live his. We are all right, and we are all wrong. WE ARE ALL HUMAN! Stop hating each other for different beliefs and start accepting people for their differences. Learn something from this billboard, don’t use it as fuel for a fire.

              • Eva Reply

                October 1, 2011 at 1:52 am

                You saw that picture way different than I did. My read of it was “You can be proud of yourself and your ways, just keep them to yourself. Don’t go poking around in my business, and don’t shove anything down my innocent children’s throats”. Which in my opinion is to say, sure, live and let live, but if you get near my kids, we gonna scramble. Having a penis, being religious, being atheist… doesn’t make you bad. Pushing it on others makes you socially difficult, and worse. Shoving it down children’s throats makes you the equivalent of a pedophile morally, and THAT has no place in live and let live. I am tolerant, tho I enjoy a good debate. When it comes to the kid part, we got a separate issue. Then again, when missionaries take christian religion to isolated tribes with their own beliefs, I feel kinda like I do for the kids. It seems morally wrong to rob them of their innocence, and shove Christianity on them. They weren’t going to hell until you told them they were! Why would you do that?

                • Kye Reply

                  October 3, 2011 at 5:50 pm

                  Nah….I think the both of you have it (Eva and Andrew)…just view and express it in different ways.

                  Religion is a personal view of the world, your world. Penises are a very personal part of your body. Keep them to your selves when you know they shouldn’t be shared, and don’t try to force them upon others once you do know that. In the simplest of terms.

                  But the ways you both read further into it don’t necessarily contradict each other, but add additional sides to the humoristic, yet to-the-point view of the sign itself.

  4. Robbie Reply

    September 22, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    I went to a chicken dinner in Tuscaloosa at the invitation of the UofA president. I was supposed to play the guitar and shake things up, but when I was asked to play something “spiritual” and I suggested a Peter, Paul and Mary tune … I was asked to leave. Religion is just like a penis and I won’t comment on size.

    • lazersedge Reply

      September 23, 2011 at 8:32 pm

      Why Robbie, did you not know that “Puff the Magic Dragon” is paganistic? I haven’t been around campus much since I retired but I hope the entire campus hasn’t been converted.

  5. beetles Reply

    September 22, 2011 at 11:06 pm

    Hey so why is a penis bad in the world? I have a penis and I do all those things but I don’t think that’s what ya’all mean. Gary Owen mother fuckers.

  6. Jacques Reply

    September 22, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    La religion est comme un pénis. Un rire à Paris de tous les instants


  7. Cojon Reply

    September 23, 2011 at 5:33 am

    Please allow me to tell you what I say to those who come parading at me about God. When they begin that religious stuff and look at me, I look back in a somewhat beguiling way, and in a very low voice, I say, “Oh boy, tell me you don’t.” and inevitably they ask “don’t what” and I say, sounding disappointed “Tell me. You really don’t believe that old myth do you?” and I look around to see who is looking and I say” I use to myself, but if you don’t tell I won’t”

    I live in the tiny burg of Quitman, Texas. It’s the belt buckle of the bible belt. I am a sincere and outspoken atheist. I am welcome everywhere and asked often, by the religious. They know I’m an atheist. I don’t fib, I have no reason to, and slowly, with six this year telling me how they never were really all that religious, and so on. Why? Because I don’t argue religion or make any attempts to get people out of it. I’m on their side, and I know why they have to believe. They were brainwashed in their formative years. We all were. They may not want to always agree–and I was the same way, Now we have a friendship. WE both had some doubts.

    …and I won’t tell anyone, if you won’t.

    In other words, quit fighting, Join, and still help others to break that Christian brainwashing.

    It isn’t always intelligent to fight the enemy face to face when you can sneak up behind then with a fresh pie and make a friend. That ends that tiny piece of the war, doesn’t it.

    • lazersedge Reply

      September 23, 2011 at 8:35 pm

      Very well said Cojon.

  8. greenlight Reply

    September 24, 2011 at 1:47 am

    When will the more aggressive of believers come to grasp that “no means no”? I call for a public service campaign to raise awareness about this important issue.

  9. Remington64 Reply

    September 24, 2011 at 11:50 am

    I agree with Mr. Greenlight that we need a massive public penis awareness campaign. Personally speaking I would love it if more ladies were aware of my penis, religiously speaking of course.

  10. Bradley Scott Reply

    September 25, 2011 at 12:08 am

    Personally, I’ve rejected religion, and accepted Jesus Christ. I have no more compunction about sharing my beliefs than you do, nor do I feel I should. Deal with it.

    • Eva Reply

      October 4, 2011 at 9:29 pm

      Yeah, its wonderful when a couple of you guys hook up and share your religion, that’s peachy. It’s when you try to share it with me, or someone like me who doesn’t wanna hear it, yet you have some drive to try to get me to listen and belief that if you try hard enough you’ll convince me your way is superior to my way and I’ll jump ship and become one of you. That is arrogant, offensive, intrusive and completely unwelcome. The Christians who behave this way force people like me to find ways of shutting you up. Sometimes we even get angry after we’ve tried several ways of saying thanx but no thanx, (imagine that). I’d much rather be around the Christians who believe the way they conduct themselves around me is a much better way of demonstrating their religion in action, and truly, this way has a much better chance of demonstrating something I might want. I do admire people who live by what they believe, quite unlike my nephew who is a bible teacher, yet is arguing various ideologies on facebook with me… Obama reading a book written my a Muslim he sees as bad, tho it is a very fair book with a very positive and uplifting message.

      FAIL… Don’t bother to preach it if you can’t live it. Just makes you look like a fool.

  11. Eva Reply

    September 25, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    I am an atheist and when I get the Jesus people knocking at my door, or wherever else I encounter them and I begin to feel like a prey animal, I thank them for being concerned for my soul but firmly tell them that I have my own spiritual path and it does not gel with theirs. I then say, “before you start, lets not waste your time or mine” shake their hands and bid them good bye. I ask them not to leave literature on my doorstep, “lets not waste resources” and if they don’t step away immediately, I shake my head, say “no thank you” and close the door, sometimes in their faces. I’ve done my best to be nice, but also clearly defined my boundaries. Any literature left despite my clearly asking it not be goes directly into the recycle bin. I can feel good about the interaction this way.

  12. oldestgenxer Reply

    September 26, 2011 at 1:22 am

    Oh, I’m sure it’s all true about religious people. We’re evil and we force it on other people. Blah-blah-bippity-blah. If religion is like a penis, then atheist are those man-hating feminist that are completely consumed with showing everyone how much better they are without men, when all they really need is to get a good shag.

    • Eva Reply

      September 26, 2011 at 4:19 am

      My husband even thought your post was offensive… All we need is a good shag? Well, sometimes I like one, however, I don’t see how the two relate, stupid comparison.
      1, Not all religious people are evil
      2, Not all religious people force their beliefs on others.
      3, Feminists are not man haters.
      4, Feminists are not “completely consumed with showing everyone how much better they are without men”
      5, Some feminists like a good shag, some do not, but I doubt that any “need” it.
      Don’t flatter yourself.

      • Sheila Reply

        September 28, 2011 at 8:42 pm

        Great reply Eva!

    • Kye Reply

      October 3, 2011 at 5:38 pm

      I do so love when people comment vehemently about something without a: actually reading the whole item in question, or b: paying any attention to the message that item is actually saying. (yes oldestgenxer, this is your post that promts this reply)

      It really does make a difference when you let go of what you *think* something is trying to say and actually *listen*.

    • pp boy Reply

      December 26, 2012 at 4:00 pm

      Dude – they’re just tryin to find an example that these people can relate to … aka wrap their sheep/drone heads around … blah-blah-bippity-bitch!

      Stupid monkey …

  13. Joe Hagstrom Reply

    September 27, 2011 at 8:56 am

    I like talking with you heathen, hell bound atheists. you guys know more about religion than most Christians. I always learn something.

    I’ll pray for you guys. If nothing else it will stir all of you up. Hit count will go up. MadMike will make some money and I’ll be a hero.

    Yay Jesus!

    • Atheist Adam Reply

      September 27, 2011 at 12:54 pm

      Troll alert. Although the statement that Atheists know more about religion is true, at least in America. Atheists have generally looked at all religions, rather than just assuming the Jesus puppet show they saw in Sundayschool when they were 5 was true, and went with that through adulthood.

      Pray for yourself. We don’t need it.

      • Joe Hagstrom Reply

        September 27, 2011 at 1:34 pm

        I never pray for myself as i find that shallow. I pray for everyone else and that includes you. Whether or not you accept the benefit of my prayers, should God decide you should benefit, is up to you Adam.

        I respect your belief either way. I’d rather spend time with an atheist than a Jesus freak anyway.

    • Eva Reply

      September 28, 2011 at 10:31 pm

      I am an atheist and I appreciate your kindness that you care enough to pray for me. It does not anger me, and if that is how you choose to spend your time and it gives you satisfaction, hey, do it twice! I do thank you wholeheartedly tho for practicing your religious expression in a way that is not intrusive into my life. Hence, not like a penis in this case. Should a burning bush begin speaking to me as a result however, I will think of you! Probably hafta listen to that bush as well, an I’ll letcha all know here on this board what I learn. Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna happen

      • Kye Reply

        October 3, 2011 at 5:42 pm

        I kind of find it funny that someone can call a group of people “you heathen, hell bound atheists.”…then turn around and say “I respect your belief either way” in the very next paragraph.

        It makes me wonder which of the posts is closer to honest, or if it’s just a somewhat confused view to begin with…

  14. Eva Reply

    September 30, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    C’mon, Heathens like me are waiting for some meat today… Where are the penises?

  15. Anonymous Reply

    September 30, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    How’s the saying go? “You pray for me and I’ll THINK for you.”

    • Me Reply

      November 22, 2011 at 8:34 pm

      Bravo! I’ll have to remember that one next time my sister starts to go all ‘saintly’ on me.

  16. z00m3r Reply

    October 6, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    You could say the same thing about CERTAINTY that this sign says about religion; then the atheists wouldn’t be left out! 😉

  17. Andy Norman Reply

    October 7, 2011 at 3:17 am

    Ha ha Brilliant.

  18. Anonymous Reply

    October 8, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    I think the religion to penis analogy is good I recall a conversation I had with a lesbian friend of mine years ago when I was still a teen and didn’t know much of anything about anything I asked her why in most lesbian sex scenes I’d seen the women always had these huge dildoes she replied= ‘It’s not that we don’t like penises it’s what they’re attached to that we have problems with.”

    • Eva Reply

      November 27, 2011 at 1:45 pm


  19. Cathy crompton Reply

    November 27, 2011 at 1:58 am

    I can’t read it !!!!!

    • Shawn Dayco Reply

      November 27, 2011 at 4:53 am

      Oh my. Perhaps a different browser? It’s not hard to read methinks.

  20. The Duke Reply

    November 27, 2011 at 8:48 am

    Why religion is like a penis is one of the best things I’ve read in ages.

  21. Cathy crompton Reply

    November 27, 2011 at 9:34 am

    Why is religion like a penis? The picture is too small to read the words on it.

  22. Brian Reply

    January 3, 2012 at 7:46 am

    The only thing i believe in is gravity

  23. Cathy crompton Reply

    January 5, 2012 at 2:42 am

    I can’t read what is on the sign itself. When I blow it up it’s illegible. Can you put it in text so I can see what’s so funny????

  24. afly Reply

    January 13, 2012 at 7:59 pm

    i want a billboard like that here in my town (living in Waco Texas)

  25. tungk Reply

    May 29, 2012 at 7:18 am

    I do kind of feel bad for anyone believing in some greater power.
    Most of the people I’ve met my entire life, who consider themselves Christians, are the most hypocritical and nastiest people I’ve ever met.

    People complaining that atheists should keep their views to themselves are moronic too. The only time I’ve witnessed that it was known someone didn’t believe in god is when they were asked.

    When’s the last time anyone has had atheists show up at their door handing them pamphlets “Have you tried Atheism?”

  26. Val Reply

    June 12, 2012 at 9:57 pm

    I live in a small, very small, very very small ghost town in central Oregon. Our community exists of about twelve houses and twenty two people. The one building in Peoria that isn’t a house is a church. At Christmas time the congregation piles into the back of a pick up and makes the rounds to all twelve homes, singing carols and handing out boxes of home made cookies.

    I don’t mind the carols, although my husband and I are atheists we celebrate Christmas as an opportunity for family and community togetherness. Plus, dangit, I like cookies and presents. Included in the treats was an invitation to come to the children’s Christmas program at the church. There aren’t any other opportunities to engage our neighbors as a group. Farm communities usually value their individual family privacy. However, we attended in order to support those who live around us and see some cute kids nervously shifting about in dad’s bathrobe and pretending to be wise men. We can appreciate all the hard work that goes into a children’s production, be it religious or not.

    I have to tell you, we had no idea the church had turned Mennonite until that evening. People had this strange gleam of triumph in their eyes when they saw the “tattooed pink haired girl and her braid wearing native husband” walk into the church. Thankfully there wasn’t time to field many questions about our faith before the program started, and as soon as it ended we slipped out the door and into the night before the lights were raised.

    We felt good about going. The children seemed happy to have had a nice sized audience to appreciate all their hard work and I felt all warm and Christmas-y.

    To make a long story short, about a week later there’s a knock at our front door. I answer with a short groan, knowing that because of the drive friends don’t show up unannounced, so it’s usually a solicitor. There on our front porch stood one of the women we had seen at the Christmas program, she was all bundled up and wearing that kind of cheery smile that makes some folks look deranged. I guess they must have been discussing progressive, “with it” ways to convert the heathen masses because she said to me.. “Hi, last night I had this strange dream that you came to me and asked if I could help Jesus become your personal Lord and Savior.”, and here comes the progressive part, “Or, it might have been the pizza I ate before bed.”

    Without batting an eye and with the nicest smile I could muster I replied. “Yep, must have been the pizza!”

    I could hear my husband cracking up behind me in the living room.
    She stuttered a bit and then quietly retreated from our porch.

    The Mennonites have not been back to recruit us since,
    or maybe they just lost the number to the one pizza place that would deliver all the way out to nowhere’s-ville.

  27. Úna Reply

    June 18, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    Love this thread, just found it on SU.

  28. Pastor Dave No More Reply

    July 17, 2012 at 2:43 am

    My penis says the best part of church is imagining the tits on the choir girls. Amen.

  29. allongement penis Reply

    December 27, 2012 at 11:55 am

    I’m amazed, I must say. Rarely do I encounter a blog that’s both equally educative and amusing,
    and let me tell you, you have hit the nail on the head.
    The problem is something that not enough people are speaking intelligently about.
    I’m very happy that I stumbled across this in my hunt for something concerning this.

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