Dr. Schadenfreude Takes On Herman Cain and 999

Read Time:5 Minute, 12 Second

I am pleased and honored to present another interview with Dr. Pauly Schadenfreude, renowned German psychologist.

dr schadenfreude

For people who are not familiar with Dr. Schadenfreude, seen here interviewing a Jaclyn, he hails from the town of Arnis, Germany, but received his degree from Faber College right here in the States. He is the author of “The Human Mind: Like Cat Food Only Not As Brown” which has been the most handed out pamphlet in public restrooms three years running. Dr. S. has agreed to give us his expert opinion and diagnoses of the current crop of Republican presidential candidates.

Our first interview was upsetting for Dr. S. as he was unaware Ron Paul was a physician, and we wound up chasing each other around my property as he screamed “arschloch” at the top of his lungs. Arschloch is German for asshole. Hopefully, today’s interview will be less strenuous, at least emotionally, for Dr. Schadenfreude. The following is transcribed from audio.

Dr. S: Erin, thank you for having me back in your home. I feel I owe you an apology for the last interview. My behavior was less than professional, and I am sorry.

EN: Dr. S., I cannot imagine how stressful it must have for you, a physician and a psychologist, to discover that someone who has the belief system of Ron Paul is a doctor. Your reaction showed you are human and that you…is that a coffee maker?

{Dr. S. brought a massive duffel bag with him this morning, and at this point in our interview, he removed an espresso machine and coffee beans.}

Dr. S.: Yes, I work better when highly caffeinated. This will only take a moment.

{Break in audio for espresso}

Dr.S.: Ah, thank you. Now, today I would like to tackle Herman Cain. His economic plan gives me pause, as do a few of his beliefs about the poor, women and homosexuals. I’ll begin with his 9-9-9 plan, or as my friends in Munich call it “Nein! Nein! Nein!”, because it is a disaster of epic proportions.

EN: Just to warn you, I am not an economic whiz by any means, so please be patient with me.

Dr. S.: I never expected you would be. You’re a blogger, for God’s sake.

{Once again, we paused to have yet another heated discussion about blogging vs. a bathroom handout being someone’s ONLY published work. And, once again, I won. Resuming interview.}

Dr. S.: First I would like to refer you to Bruce Bartlett’s explanation of why Herman…why did your Sarah Palin call him “Herb”?

EN: She was referring to him as the flavor of the month, or week, I honestly don’t remember.

Dr. S.: Oh. Seemed a bit catty to me. I digress. Bruce Bartlett wrote a truly inspired piece for The New York Times on the Nein Nein Nein plan*, and I will summarize it for you and your readers. Basically, enacting the plan would affect the middle class, lower middle class and working poor more than it would affect the very people who need to be taxed at a higher rate. I’ll give you an example: A family making $50,000 a year currently pays about $6,000 in taxes in income and payroll taxes, and even less if they qualify for a child tax credit. Herman Cain will get rid of the child tax credit, and this family could end up paying between $2,000 and $4,000 more in taxes. Corporations and the wealthy will benefit in many ways from Nein Nein Nein.

A flat tax of 9% looks like this: if you make $25,000,000 a year in reported income, you will pay about $2.3 million in taxes. Remember, I said reported. This does not affect investments, because by scrapping the current tax code, Cain will wipe out all the taxes on investments.

Now, let’s look at a 9% flat tax for someone who makes a little less, say, $35,000 a year. Their tax would be $3,150. Now if this is a single person, that is a reduction. If this is a family it is not. Remember, many families qualify for child tax credits, and receive a refund back at the end of the year.

EN: In your opinion. Dr. S., is Cain’s 9-9-9 plan a viable option for the millions of working families in America?

Dr S.: Absolutely not. It’s ridiculous to continue to prop up the rich at the expense of the middle class and poor.

EN: What would be your professional diagnosis for Herman Cain? Have you formulated one yet, based on your research?

Dr. S.: I have. In my professional opinion, Mr. Cain is an egomaniac, convinced he is right when almost everyone tells him he is wrong. He is a grand narcissist, believing he is the best person to run your country in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. I would not ignore the possibility that he is a pathological liar, given his recent comments about homosexuality being a choice, and I would suggest he is severely delusional. He is also a sycophant and a hypocrite-I say that because weeks after stating he would never hire a Muslim, he visited the members of your Muslim community, trying to win their vote.

EN: Do you believe he can be elected president?

Dr. S.: Given the unfortunate state of your educational system coupled with the current “Who’s blacker than whom” battle he is waging against Barack Obama, yes. You have just enough truly ignorant people who consistently vote against their own best interests to elect this blowhard into office.

End audio.

I walked Dr. Schadenfreude out to his Ford Fiesta, and helped him load his bag into the back seat. We looked up at the cloudy sky, and he said something very profound.

“When people vote out of fear, they get what they fear the most”.

Then he drove away, waving his hand out the car window.

*Dr. S. insisted that I use the phrase Nein Nein Nein when transcribing his comments. Eventually, I got tired of doing that.

Have you ever been interviewed by Dr. Schadenfreude?  If so tell us about it please.

 

 

About Post Author

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is an avid underwater basket weaver, with a penchant for satire and the odd wombat reference.
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Jess
12 years ago

Dr S. certainly gets around. He lives at our house, in between his media appearances.

Admin
12 years ago

It takes great skill to write effective satire and you have mastered it Erin.

Marsha Woerner
12 years ago

Dr. S,
You didn’t even mention the 9% federal sales tax. Will my small business owner need to pay 9% sales tax on all of her products, which she then will have to pass on to me? I then will be paying 9% on the new price, thus effectively paying 18% (her 9% plus my 9%) on the item? I don’t know, it sounds like I’m screwed backwards forwards an inside-out!

12 years ago

Ha! Fun read. Ich liebe Dr. Schadenfreude!

Erin N.
12 years ago

Dorothy-If I send you baked goods, will you call me every morning and reiterate that you can’t wait to read my book? It might help me actually FINISH IT. 😀

Reply to  Erin N.
12 years ago

Erin, unless you want me to send you homemade bread back, there’s no need. However, I do know an editor that would love to help with your book.

😉

I’m not sure a degree could teach you anything you don’t already know. Satire is not learned… it’s a gift…

12 years ago

Hurray, satire! This is my favorite type of writing. “Nein Nein Nein” will be going through my head all day. Couldn’t stop laughing. Brilliant, Erin. Thank you. I can’t wait to read your book.

Erin N.
12 years ago

He’s a pleasure to interview. Well, except for the swearing. Next time, he promises to bring strudel!

Admin
12 years ago

LMAO!! I love this!!! Great piece of writing here Dr. S.

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