The Conservative Ten Commandments
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As a lapsed Catholic, I am very familiar with the Ten Commandments.
I was told, pretty much from birth, that to break one of the Ten Commandments was a mortal, rather than a venial, sin, and you would go directly to Hell, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars.
As I listen to some conservative Christians, I wonder if they have even read the Ten Commandments, and if they have, do they have an “Animal Farm” sort of interpretation of them. I think this version of the Ten Commandments might fit them a little better.
1) I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me. Except money. Got to love the green!
2) You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments. Love our Hummels and our collection of NASCAR bobble heads. And geez, inequity? I’m more equal than an illegal or a homo, so that doesn’t even make sense.
3) You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain. Oh for God’s sake. What else am I supposed to tell at the monster truck rally-Yay Zeus?
4) Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it. Sunday, we go to church and pray that psalm that will make Obummer’s wife a widow, and the rest of the day we just hang out and drink beer, so got that one covered. Wait, what? SATURDAY? Oh shit.
5) Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you. We check on Mom once a month over there at the Happy Acres State Home, and she’s fine. Smells a little like pee, but at least we get her Social Security check. And every Christmas, the kids make her a card and we get her a fruit cake.
6) You shall not murder. What is murder? Is it murder to fry some son of a bitch who killed a police officer? NO! It’s murder to kill a baby, cuz life starts the second of conception, and if we have to shoot a bunch of abortion doctors, so what.
7 ) You shall not commit adultery. Now, Pat Robertson said you can leave your wife if she has Alzheimer’s and I believe him. Plus tons of Christian politicians have found new wives that way. Hell, that’s how I found Doreen, and she’s the best wife out of the six. So far! HAHA!
8) You shall not steal. Back when God wrote the Bible, people didn’t have much, so stealing was a really bad thing. Nowadays, people got a lot of stuff, plus the LIBTARD government steals from me every Goddamned day to give more black folks food stamps, so who cares if I drive off without paying for gas every once in a while?
9) You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. My cousin, Chet, says this one is about lying. But all it says is that I can’t lie on my neighbor, and I never have lied on old Travis or any of his family. Did I lie to get that uppity girl fired at the Kup and Kream? Hell yes, but she wouldn’t let me use my food stamps that I pay for with my taxes to buy wine coolers for Doreen.
10) You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s. Had to hit Chet up again for this one. No clue what covet means, and he said it’s like envy. Well, shit, Travis doesn’t have any servants or an ox or a donkey. What Travis DOES have is a sweet little 16 year old daughter who prances around during summer time in a tiny bikini! Woohee! I wouldn’t mind having some of that!
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Traditionally home-made, wine coolers have been bottled and sold by commercial distributors since the early 1980s, especially in areas where their lower alcohol content causes them to come under less restrictive laws than wine itself. Because most of the flavor in the wine is obscured by the fruit and sugar, the wine used in wine coolers tends to be of the cheapest available grade. ‘