Another Visit from God
Read Time:3 Minute, 36 Second
Yes, God came over this morning. Again. Luckily I was not eating, I was dusting, and when He popped through the roof, I just knocked over a Chinese lamp. He fixed it, of course. I wish He’d call first.
This was not an interview, it was a rant. God is pissed, and He is pissed at Rick Perry. God watches You Tube, and He happened upon Perry’s “Strong” campaign ad yesterday. And, holy shit, well, here:
EMN: Err, hi?
God: Sit down. Get pen and some paper, and then sit down. May I have a Pepsi oh look your cat puked.
EMN: Sorry, she’s ate something off the carpet earlier, and…
God: ENOUGH! Write this down. Rick? Rick Perry? SERIOUSLY? You bigoted, homophobic giant ass pimple on the butt of humanity! If My therapist had not forced Me to sign a contract promising not to smite people until next June, buddy, you’d be a pile of ashes and Aqua Net right now. You sack of SHIT. You think you speak for ME? I don’t hate gay people, you asshole! I love everyone, but you are working My last nerve, you son of a BITCH. Walking through a field in your “Brokeback Mountain” wardrobe did you know his jacket is the same one Heath’s character wears in that movie? I love that movie, I cry every time Jake goes to the locker and sees the photo. Oh Me, here I go.
(Kleenex break)
God: Okay, whew. All good. Back to Perry. America isn’t a Christian nation, DICKWEED. It’s a free republic, and its citizens can worship trees, or Buddha or Mohammed or Me, or a goat for all I care, as long as they’re kind and loving and stop voting for assholes like YOU. Me DAMMIT, what is wrong with you? That stupid, bigoted sack of crap you call a campaign ad has 10 times as many people who hate it than like it. HELLO? Jesus Chri-sorry, Son, I really need to stop doing that-drop out now! NOW! Like right now. Or I will put My sacred sandal so far up your ass that you’ll need Marcus Bachmann to get it out. Where did you learn American history, David Barton’s School of Making Shit Up? Why are you even running for president? You can’t ADD, you have the mental capacity of a slug they are really stupid, trust Me I made them they can’t even grow a shell and what the hell is with the salt shit where was I…
(At this point, God floated out into the yard for a few minutes. We get a lot of angry people/deities in this house, but our yard seems to have a soothing effect on them.)
God: Yes, right. So, you lost Herman Cain, I see.
EMN: Yes, sir, he suspended his campaign.
God: Trust Me, it’s over. (He winked)
EMN: Oh, great, thanks.
God: What?
EMN: You’re just really angry, and I don’t want You to throw a lightning bolt at me or anything.
God: That’s Zeus, dear.
(awkward)
God: I gotta jet, vacationing with Confucius, Ghandi and John Lennon for the holidays. OH. It’s fine to say Happy Holidays. Tell Bill O’Reilly to shove it. What is with Fox news? President Obama isn’t even taking a vacation to Hawaii, yet they report on it like he’s moving there. Do they understand that lying is a SIN? Not a venial sin, a mortal, I will rip off your face and piss on your skull kind of sin? Do they CARE? Why don’t people understand there are consequences for living your life as a lying, misleading, manipulative cretin? Do they think I’m KIDDING? And if you’re an atheist and you live a horrible life, cheating and lying, wait till Lady Karma gets hold of you. You’ll never see it coming, but when it does, holy crap. Hey, I got a new exit, tell Me what you think…
Poof. A cloud of smoke billowed around the living room, leaving the scent of cinnamon behind. He was gone. And He’d stepped in the cat puke. I’m going to hear about that next time, I know I will.
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Erin, I have been reading and writing on this blog since it was first started way back when there was Mike, myself and two or three other folks. When Mike move to his this new site and the readership grew we went through a phase where I had to block it from my face book because some of the writer’s language was such that I did not care for folks visiting my face book to read. In the sense that you might think that you are an up and coming Stephen King or Henry Miller perhaps you should revisit their writings. Your use of profanity is for shock effect, theirs is in the flow of their normal character building process. I think it may be a bit early in your career to be comparing yourself to them. As for as my home library you would be surprised what you might find there. I guess I will just have to again block the blog from my face book which is one way we help Mike build his readership.
Sorry to offend folks. If you are interested Kat Williams is playing soon on the Comedy Channel with similar content and verbiage. Enjoy.
Wow, you’re comparing my writing to a guy who calls himself the smallest pimp or some other strange nickname? Bill, lighten up! I can only guess that since you have such a negative reaction to epithets that your home library must be a barren wasteland. No James Joyce, no Stephen King, no Christopher Moore, no Henry Miller. How terribly sad for you to be so sheltered that a little profane language sets your “morality meter” off. And if you really are offended by my use of profanity in my writing, you don’t have to read it, or comment on it. You can read articles about puppies and church choirs. As long as no one says shit, right?
What difference could it possibly make Bill F. what Erin’s beliefs are? The story is just fun and clearly satirical. I loved it. Thanks Erin! MORE!
Fun or satire, it just seems like an excuse to use a lot of foul language to me. I care not the beliefs of her, you, or Rick Perry and I do appreciate good satire but it beguiles me why one needs such profanity to get her points across. She is correct that if you add the I.Q.’s of Cain and Perry together you might reach 1.5 and neither can tell the truth if their lips are moving. But, if it is funny I guess it is funny.
@Formby: Hey man lighten up on the guy, it’s not like he said FUCK or anything. Jeez what are you a kindergarten student, or, even worse, a bible banger?
No matter Erin keep up the great work and I ain’t no baby so an occasional ASSHOLE or SHIT doesn’t bother me, and I’ve known a lot of Dickweeds so no harm there. I bookmarked this site so I will be looking for your stuff.
Far from a bible banger my friend. It is just that The same story could be told with the same amount of humor with less of the vernacular. But, as you point out, that is what you enjoy and apparently what Erin enjoys writing and I am far from being a censor. My apologies to those whom I have offended by my criticism.
If you enjoyed that conversation between god and EMN then you’ll thoroughly enjoy the dialogue between god and Lilith which I found at the end of the book, “Man Made God” by Barbara G. Walker. Apparently, Lilith was Adam’s first wife. (Yes, Adam of the bible ! ) This time though, it’s a woman laying it into god.
Lilith from “Cheers” fame? Married to Frazier? LOL! Lilith. Perfect. I’ll have to check that out.
Very similar, actually. 😉
Bill Formby:
Does it matter? Good points, all of them. Thanks Erin!
Intriguing Erin. I think we all dislike like the Repubs running for the nomination and the Fox news bunch, but are you a God person or an anti God person??? I am not sure whose rant this was???
Um, it’s satire? Like Tinky Winky being photobombed into the “Strong” video, or the animated Jesus response. I try not to take things too seriously, especially when it comes to folks like Rick Perry who really have no clue.