Dear Canada: Rick Perry isn’t America

Dear Canada:

On behalf of the citizens of America, I’m sorry. Please understand that Rick Perry in no way, shape or form represents the majority of Americans.

We know Canada is a foreign country. We understand that we need a passport to cross into your beautiful country, to enjoy your lush greenery and wonderful hospitality. We realize that simply smiling at the border agents while waving a driver’s license won’t work.

We love Canada. We love your hockey, your beer, your exchange rate and your trees. Your moose are fabulous, your wolves, majestic. Montreal is like a little piece of Heaven on Earth. My family rented a cabin in Thunder Bay, Ontario when I was a teenager, and I have fond memories of attempting to wade in Lake Superior. The water is so clear, so filled with fish, so incredibly cold.

Please forgive us. I know it must have been a shock when Rick Perry said “Every barrel of oil that comes out of those sands in Canada is a barrel of oil that we don’t have to buy from a foreign source.” I can only imagine how hurtful it was, hearing an American governor, a presidential candidate, so incredibly clueless about your country. We are not all like Rick Perry.

Rumor has it you are strengthening your borders and immigration requirements even as this is being written. Whispers of a mass American exodus must have reached your ears by now, and you are only trying to protect yourselves. We understand. If Europe had not just tightened its immigration laws to prevent Americans from moving there in droves, we would have another option. We don’t. If President Obama is not reelected, Canada is our only hope. Many of us do not speak French, or German or proper English (some Americans insist on ending sentences with prepositions and dropping “G’s” and the suffix “ing”; we are not perfect.), but we are good people, with good hearts and American money.

Please understand, we have no idea what Rick Perry is doing, and most of the time, neither does he. His “strong” ad, which I am sure you either saw or heard, was one of the most disliked videos in the history of YouTube, yet he did not stop. His latest endeavor is to create a “part time congress”, balking at the salaries of the members of the House while charging American taxpayers in excess of one million dollars to travel around the country. Rick Perry collects $133,000 a year plus $7,700 a month from his pension, so when you add it up, he makes more than a member of congress. See? He’s insane. Don’t let his thoughtlessness sway your love of Americans.

In closing, let me share this. If President Obama is not reelected, think of the people who will be begging to move to Canada. Artists, teachers, writers, intellectuals, poets, architects and mimes. Okay, forget the mimes, even though a mime is a terrible thing to waste. My point is that you will be accepting the people Rick Perry despises into your lovely country. People who are educated, empathetic, people who think before they speak, and people who know that Canada is a country unto itself. A proud nation, filled with proud people, the glory of nature and seriously awesome ice fishing. We’ll become hardy, we promise. Just please, please don’t turn your backs on us.

We’re sorry for Rick Perry, more than you will ever know. Now, can you turn off the electrified moat? We’ll keep Justin Bieber.

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Posted by on December 30, 2011. Filed under COMMENTARY/OPINION. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry
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6 Responses to Dear Canada: Rick Perry isn’t America

  1. Bill Formby Reply

    December 30, 2011 at 11:37 am

    lol Good read Erin. Rick Perry would be better off if he were a mime. I shiver at the thought of the sound of “President Rick Perry.”

  2. Rue Reply

    December 30, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    This article came out at just the right time, as my family is considering moving to Canada (I’m was doing a little research before I found this article, actually). I just hope that if we actually make the move, that I wont be associated with the name ‘Rick Perry’.


    December 31, 2011 at 2:20 am

    I understand perfectly what RICK PERRY said & meant so, what is your problem? Most US citizens think of Canada and Mexico as next door neighbors and not foreign powers. Most commonsense people would realize that by “foreign source”, he was singling out the mid-east, Russa, China and such as uncooperative sources whose oil could be replaced by Canadian oil.

    Rick Perry makes mistakes? He is human & that is more than can be said of many of the political automatons in this race. He will connect better with the guy on main street than the wall street crowd but he can manage both. It is time for one more Iowa surge & that might well be a Rick Perry surge as Santorum, Gingrich & Bachmann fade back. 3rd place? 2nd place? I think Rick Perry said something like, Anything less than first place is not a win.

  4. Pingback: Geographic literacy and logic become victims in Republican presidential campaign in Iowa « Millard Fillmore's Bathtub

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