Do pro-lifers spay or neuter their pets?
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We get story ideas from the usual places: television, radio, You Tube, visions received after eating funky mushrooms (that may only be Collin) and from reader emails. Mad Mike himself shared an email with me where a curious question was raised: do pro-lifers spay and/or neuter their pets?
Oddly enough, there is not a lot of information on this specific topic available, so most of this article will just be absolute, unadulterated snark, with 10% information I found on another blog, written by a guy who likes country music and leather. God, I love the Internet.
Conservative pro-life advocates fall into 3 groups.
1) Pro-life across the board, conception to grave. No death penalty supporters here.
2) Pro-life when it comes to fetuses. Save the fetus, but if it grows up to shoot a cop, fry its’ ass.
3) So rabidly pro-life that they equate contraception or any type of birth control (getting your tubes tied or a vasectomy) as evil.
I would wager that group #3 does not believe in spaying or neutering pets. I might be wrong though, and here’s why.
The pro-life faction believes life begins at conception because it is at the magical moment when four million sperm hit pay dirt, that God (or Sky Cat) creates a human soul.The soul is the life. However, many Christians do not believe animals have souls. AHA! Nope, not that simple.
On a blog entitled Sounds Kinky2 (yes, that’s what it’s called, I can’t make that up), Jim Drew attempted to tackle this subject last Valentine’s Day. Do I know if he meant to discuss removing a dog’s testicles or rendering a cat sterile on the day meant for lovers? Probably; he seems a little sarcastic. Mr. Drew asked the same questions we’re asking, but he had an in. A co-worker told Mr. Drew that he knew a pro-life couple who didn’t spay or neuter their pets. Eh, I thought. Only one? Darn.
Back to the animals and souls portion of our program. My illustrious boss here at MMA shared a little story about taking one of his dogs to Dunkin Donuts. This dog is a chocolate Lab, and if you’ve ever seen one, you know their eyes are like bottomless pits of cuteness. Boss pulls up to the drive through window, chocolate Lab face hanging out, looking at the world with those eyes. Young lady at said window tells Boss she normally hates dogs because Jesus didn’t give them SOULS, but this one’s so purty, she almost likes him.
Confused? Join the club, learn the handshake, Friday is salmon night and a movie. I have no clue what pro-lifers do with their pets. I know Rick Santorum thinks gay people are dry humping them, but other than that, this information is not to be found. So, I’ll do what I do best: make up funny shit.
Jane is a pro-life advocate who lives alone. Jane really wants a pet, and goes to The Humane Society, looking for a sweet cat or 12 with whom she can share her 2 bedroom apartment. But, horrors, all the cats are fixed! Jane goes home, dejected. She doesn’t believe in birth control (as a 36 year old virgin, she has no actual experience with birth control; she’s waiting for Mr. Right.), and she thinks all God’s creatures are supposed to propagate. Saddened, Jane calls her best friend, Pastor I.M Terry-Fied. Pastor Fied gently reminds Jane that Jesus didn’t give animals souls, so it’s perfectly all right to spay and/or neuter them. “But Pastor “Jane wails, “That means my pets won’t go to Heaven!” Pastor Fied consoles Jane and says that’s God’s will. Jane hangs up the phone, confused to her very core. She drinks half a bottle of Jack Daniels, goes to a bar, meets a very nice history teacher and they live happily ever after.
It makes sense that pro-life advocates would not spay or neuter their pets. It also makes sense that they would if they believe animals have no soul. I have no idea, but it’s a great question. I’m going to put my money on no, they do not have their pets spayed or neutered. Well, except Mitt Romney. I bet Mittens did it to Seamus himself, with a rusty knife, while Seamus was duct taped to the top of a Range Rover.
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In case you don’t know, there is an actual business that produces replacement “parts” for neutered animals: http://www.neuticles.com. Over a half million satisfied, I guess, customers and the product has even been endorsed by the Kardashians — for pets only, alas. Is America a great country or what?
AH! The Neuticles! I’d sort of hoped that was a joke. I won’t click that link, you can’t make me.
Wow, I swear I when I first read this, I thought it said “Newticles”–I thought it was a Newt Gingrich fan club or something. Clearly I’m thinking waaaaay too much about politics, or I’m just not very awake yet….but it was a fun mis-read nonetheless. 😀
Just to let you know, both my cat and I are neutered/spayed/vasectomized/spermless/eggless/shooting blanks etc. heathen loving pro-choicers.
This is an excellent idea. Can you imagine rows of pro-life (that name always makes me laugh, makes me think of microbiology, as if they want to help life grow everywhere with petri dishs scattered about to help the downtrodden microbes, my mind is a weird place) protesters holding up their tiny dogs in unity. The image in my mind makes me laugh.
Wow, I could not have said this better myself. (Who am I kidding? I couldn’t have even come close!) Great post! I’m all about choice, but if I WERE pro-life, I wouldn’t see any reason to differentiate between the actual materials of life and that “magic moment” where the recipe comes together. To take it one step further, it would seem pompous to vehemently defend human life while leaving animals to the dogs. Life is a beautiful thing, and for the religious, who are they to say “hey God, really good work with us humans, we are SO in your image. But why did you have to crowd our planet with all these other soulless creatures?”