Sarah Palin: Let’s Reanimate Ronald Reagan
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Mad Mike’s America, thanks to an anonymous source who was paid in macaroni and cheese and pixie dust, is proud (?) to present a rough draft of Sarah Palin’s next letter to SarahPAC. Read at your own risk.
Dear real Americans,
I know you are all terribly disappointed that I am not running for president of this great country. So am I. Every time I see that Muslim Kenyan use a teleprompter or read a speech he didn’t write, I throw up a little. A true American president, like Ronald Reagan, writes all his own speeches and would rather go Commie than use a teleprompter. We need a real American president.
Friends, I am writing you today to ask for your help. I have been in contact with the ReFreeze Company in Lucerne, Switzerland, and we have come up with a way to guarantee the next president will be a white, conservative Christian, with values real Americans cherish and love. We’re going to reanimate Ronald Reagan.
Now, I understand that in many ways, this conflicts with our Christian beliefs, but if you can, focus on the story of Lazarus. Lazarus was a man so beloved and so needed by his family that Our Lord, Jesus Christ, “reanimated” him. Heck, Our Lord, Jesus Christ was “reanimated” by God The Father, if you really think about it. So, I think, and Todd agrees, that if the need is great enough, there is nothing wrong with bringing a great man like Ronald Reagan back to life.
This process is not cheap, but democracy, freedom and getting back to our Western heritage never is. Ronald Reagan was the last truly great president America had, except for George W. Bush, and the reason I like him is that he talks to Our Lord, Jesus Christ. And he hates witches. Ronald Reagan was pro-life, pro-gun, hated taxes and remembered the most important part of being president: blowing up our enemies.
Mr. Obama refuses to blow up anyone, he is coming to personally take away your guns, and he murders babies in the Rose Garden. Barack HUSSEIN Obama is the worst president in the history of this great nation, but we can bring back the best. We can bring back Ronald Reagan.
We have been assured by the ReFreeze Company that they have amazing plastic surgeons on staff, and once the corpse is reanimated, they go right to work. I don’t know all the technical terms, but from what Todd and I have learned, it involves a lot of hydration, Botox and plumping. The ReFreeze company promises that once the transformation is complete, President Reagan will look as good as new.
Friends, this is not the time to settle for a second-rate president. We need someone true to his conservative values, someone who loves the Constitution and someone we are all comfortable with, like a favorite pair of bedroom slippers. That is Ronald Reagan. We can be a great nation again, we just need the right undead president to lead us.
I am asking each of you, my friends and supporters, to donate $10,000 towards this project. Is it worth it to you to wake up this coming November to another Ronald Reagan presidency? It’s worth it to me, which is why for every $10,000 donation we receive, I will personally send you Trig’s plaster footprint, signed by me.
Thank you for your patriotism and your support. Ronald Reagan 2012!
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I thought Reagan was a zombie when he was in office, a frozen old puppet whose strings were pulled by Nancy.
LOL. I agree with you Nietzche, at least in his second term. I don’t mean to diminish the horror of Alzheimer’s disease by any means but the evidence suggests Nancy knew about his deteriorating mental condition and yet urged him to run again. Power. Corrupts. Absolutely.