Mitt Romney could be first Jewish President

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Although Mitt Romney has locked up the republican nomination, his campaign staff are worried about his lack of support in the deep south. The fact that a pair of dimwits, Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum, beat him in the crucial southern voting bloc, has inspired a startling new tactic, Mitt Romney will convert to Judaism.

romney_first_jewish_president
Just one more pork sandwich before I convert

Romney knows how much southern Christian Evangelicals love Israel, so he has no qualms in dumping Mormonism and embracing his new calling.

Many Christians believe the Messiah will return to earth and defeat the Antichrist (the “beast”) and Satan the Devil in the Battle of Armageddon, which is in northern Israel. Satan will be put into the “bottomless pit” or abyss for 1,000 years, known as the Millennial Age. After being released from the abyss, Satan will gather Gog and Magog (peoples of two specific nations) from the four corners of the earth. They will encamp surrounding the “holy ones” and the “beloved city” (this refers to Jerusalem).

Fire will come down from God, out of heaven and devour Gog and Magog after the Millennium. The Devil, death, hell, and those not found written in the ‘book of life’ are then thrown into Gehenna (the Lake of Fire burning with brimstone). Romney found all this perfectly believable, after all, he believed Joseph Smith was visited by an Angel and given God’s instructions on golden plates. He says he is ready to be the catalyst for the end of the world.

romney_talking_Jewish_people
Mitt Romney talks to his people

Christians want the battle of Armageddon to begin as soon as possible, so by voting a Jew to the Presidency, he would definitely ratchet up the tension in the Middle East and get the “End of Times” moving at a good pace.

Its a win win situation for both Romney and the southern Christians. If it were allowed, there would be dancing in the streets of southern cities today.

Reports from Jerusalem are conflicted, there was lots of unusual wailing at the Wailing Wall last night.
 
In a statement Romney said:

I thought my old people (Mormons) had suffered, but my new people (Jews) they know how to suffer, they suffer every day and have been suffering since the beginning of time, about 5,000 years. I want to suffer with them, I want us all to be insufferable. I hope this move will please my Evangelical friends in the American south, with their help I will win the White House and bring back the Messiah and force the End of Times to begin.

On hearing the news, former Methodist, Southern Baptist and current Roman Catholic, Newt Gingrich said he was flying to Salt Lake City. Sources say he will be announcing his conversion to the Mormon faith.

 

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Jimmy James

Jimmy James dislikes politicians and thinks they should be ridiculed at every opportunity.
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RickRay
10 years ago

Whoah! Maybe, if we’re quick enough we (the realists) can convert Mittuns to atheism ! On second thought, I wouldn’t want anybody that stupid believing in “nothing”. LOL

Nani
10 years ago

Now Mitt will be able to drink Coke, beer and wine. But no more Christmas hams.

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