Reading Revelations or How Pat Robertson Surprised Us

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There are things that are predictable. The sun will rise and the sun will set. If you lose a pair of sunglasses and buy a new pair, you will find the lost ones. There are stars in the sky. Leaves change in the fall. And Pat Robertson can be counted on to always say something that makes absolutely no sense. Until now.

Understand that having the phrase “I agree with Pat Robertson” floating around in one’s brain is disturbing. I never agree with Pat Robertson. Ever. It’s impossible. How can people agree with someone who makes statements like this:

“Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It’s no different. It’s the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history.” (bold and italics mine)

“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

When a massive earthquake hit Haiti, Pat Robertson blamed…Haitians. He claimed that Haiti had made a deal with the devil to rid themselves of French rule, and the earthquake was their punishment.

Okay? Got the gist of Pat Robertson? Hateful, divisive, nasty old man, right?

Recently, a man named Douglas called into Pat Robertson’s television show, The 700 Club, and asked “What would you say to a school that has gay and LGBT kids being bullied by the Christian kids?”

You would expect Pat to echo the sentiments of Richard Swier, and say it’s not bullying, it’s peer pressure, much like drugs or underage drinking or smoking, homosexuality is a bad habit and these kids are just helping ya da ya da. You would be WRONG. Here is Pat Robertson’s answer.

“Well I think that’s terrible. Christians shouldn’t do that…I mean…lesbian, gay, transgender, blah blah blah. I mean, Christians shouldn’t do that. They ought to act in love.”

I’ll give you a moment. (Jeopardy music plays softly in the background.)

Pat’s lovely co-host agreed, replying “Absolutely. Bullying is wrong-period.”

As a former Catholic, I’m fairly familiar with the Book of Revelations. Which is a lot easier to read if you’re drunk. But nowhere do I remember the following passage:

“And lo, I say to thee, an old, bitter, angry man filled with hate and foul words that claims to speak for Him will on a dime change his tone and walk not with a forked tongue, but with a dove on his shoulder and love in his heart.”

Is this the end of days? Is this one of the signs of the Apocalypse? Did we all miss something by reading the Book of Revelations as I believe it was intended to be read; after a few glasses of wine? What the hell just happened to Pat Robertson?

A friend suggested an “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” scenario-Pat has been replaced by an alien force, bent on uniting America. I don’t think so. Pat Robertson isn’t going to be making any donations to GLAAD, since his recent 700 Club shows have focused on how the devil is working to legalize gay marriage. So, I reject the alien theory.

What do you think is going on? Has Pat Robertson finally realized that his words, and words like them, are at the forefront of the bullycide epidemic in America? Or is he dying, and wants to get ready to meet the Lord? Dementia? POSSESSION? Let us know here, at Mad Mike’s America.

Thanks to Huffington Post and Political Humor.com for quotes used in this article.

About Post Author

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is an avid underwater basket weaver, with a penchant for satire and the odd wombat reference.
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11 years ago

Erin, you’re right, this is too freaking weird. It is so out of character for him, and I cannot conceive of what may be the reason for this seeming touch of humanity. Frankly, I have always figured the old bastard was going to burn in Hell; I may have to rethink that now.

E.A. Blair
11 years ago

About the headline: it’s “Book of Revelation” or simply “Revelation”, not “Revelations”. It’s more formally known as “Book of the Revelation of Saint John”.

One of my favorite cracks about Revelation is from comedian Emo Phillips, where he’s trying to come on to a woman at a bar:

Emo: Would you like to come to my place?
Woman: Do you have cable?
Emo: No…but the ropes should be strong enough. Can I have your number?
Woman: I’m in the book.
Emo: I’ll have to re-read Revelation!

11 years ago

Pat Robertson is just saying that so he can get our attention, think he’s normal and then “boom” he’ll drop his bomb when he sneaks it in the back door because we left a little crack! And then he’ll deny saying it and that it was misinterpreted, just like his holy buybull!

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