A Parent’s Job
Read Time:4 Minute, 16 Second
This is a follow-up, of sorts, to my article on Caiden Cowger. After I submitted it, I started to think how Caiden came to be the young man he is today, and how our son is so different. And I realized that our son, like Caiden, is the product of parenting.
Yes, our son is a teenager, and with that comes stress and yelling and yanking out of computer cords and grounding and dramatic sighing. But at the core, at the bottom of all the crap that goes along with raising a teenager, is this amazing kid. He’s honest and funny and so incredibly smart, and he understands the ways of the world, to a point. He understands that you don’t view people as a skin color or a religion or based on who they love, you view people based on who they are.
One of the more interesting moments in our son’s life came when I began a friendship with Steve and Joshua Snyder-Hill. This was the first time our son became aware of gay, married men. I explained Steve’s story, and the love story that unfolded between Steve and Joshua, and he didn’t cringe, he didn’t say “EW!,” he just sat and listened. When I was finished, he looked at me and said “It’s stupid that they can’t be married like you guys.” That was the end of the conversation. Our son GETS IT.
Our son will add something to the world at large when he grows up. He will add a light and a joy and a spirit, which is what all parents hope for their children. We want well-rounded, bright, empathetic, loving kids to become well-rounded, bright, empathetic and loving adults. At least, that’s what I thought. When parents first see their newborn infant, it’s as if they are at a fork in a road. One path leads to light and love and a life filled with patience, tolerance and kindness. The other path leads to hate and anger and divisiveness and intolerance. From what we’ve seen over the past few years, it seems that parents are choosing that other path.
Why would you do that to your child? Why would you, the person or people charged with raising this precious gift, take that gift and turn it into a negative force? Perhaps parents who choose the path of darkness do not understand what might happen when that child reaches adulthood and goes out into the world. The confusion of meeting people they have been told are evil or bad or of the devil must be overwhelming. Imagine being raised in a world filled with bigotry only to find out the majority of the rest of humanity doesn’t think the same way you do. Imagine how frustrated you would feel, how lost, how alone.
I often wonder if adults who blow up abortion clinics or become mass murderers or terrorists (foreign and domestic) are responding to the confusion of being raised to think about others in a way that is almost the antithesis of the way most of the world thinks. What happens to the child raised to believe that killing doctors who perform abortions is perfectly fine, or that African Americans are “coons,” Hispanics are stealing all “our” jobs and gay people are destroying America and should be killed? They become adults who harm and murder the people they were raised to hate.
To be fair, I am in no way saying that Caiden Cowger is going to grow up to fly a plane into an IRS building, or murder an abortion provider or pistol whip a gay man to death. What I am saying is that children are not born hating, they are taught to hate. A baby cannot hate, a baby cannot discriminate, a baby must be groomed to grow up to be like Caiden Cowger. And they are groomed by their parents.
Caiden Cowger makes me extremely sad, both as a mother and as a human being. I look at our son, with his goofy grin and his raucous laugh and his honor roll report card and I wonder why Caiden Cowger’s parents chose that dark path for their son. And inside, I weep, just a little, for Caiden. He has no idea what the future holds, because his world is not the real world. I suppose Caiden could end up as the next Rush Limbaugh, but is that a path of light and love? No. Caiden may be too far gone down that dark path, I don’t know. Fourteen is a bit old to start changing your entire belief system, but maybe, just maybe, someone will get through to Caiden. Not by hacking his You Tube account, or calling him names, but by just sitting down and talking with him. Someone needs to show Caiden that there is a better path, and it’s not too late to start that journey.
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toryburch トリーバーチ
You know, I came here by way of a search to find info on Caiden Cowger’s parents because I have seen no mention of them anywhere. All this hoopla, all this backlash against the kid and it appears they have not stepped up to support him in any way… in fact I can’t find any evidence that they even exist. Where are they? Why aren’t they stepping up and supporting him? This is the really sad part to me… and the apparent lack of parental support is perhaps what caused this kid to start channeling Rush Limbaugh.
Your son is fortunate to have you for a mom:)
Hate is a relative term and an emotion of short and painful duration, just like love. This boy was raised by his parents and influenced by them. This is part of learning. No doubt they are proud as punch with him and his homophobia and hate filled rants, therefore they are the reason he is as he is. As he grows and perhaps gets knocked in the head a few times, he may change his direction, but if the hatred is deeps seated as it appears to be (unless its schtick) he will alway be a bigoted religious fanatic and his bigoted religious fanatic parents will always be as they are.
Caden’s also been influenced and fully indoctrinated by the pulpit master who leads the Pentecostal cult he attends as well.
No one becomes that mired in hate, prejudice and bigotry without a healthy dose imposed by his “church”.
No doubt 40+ years ago, he would’ve been taught to hate blacks and attend Klan rallies, because he sounds *exactly* like those ignorant bigots of that era!
You are exactly right Marlene.
As Aisren notes, the parents raising Caiden believe they have raised a wonderful child and are extremely proud to see him standing up for “true” moral values. They would scoff at the notion they’ve raised him to be hateful and intolerant. Quite the contrary, they would say with a straight face that you’ve raised your son/children the wrong way, have no real values or morality and — while it’s not their job to “punish” you — you will indeed receive retribution for your sins. This will occur unless you accept your creator’s teachings as they, as noted in your previous article, interpret those teachings (FWIW, I agree with your viewpoint and we’ve raised our kids the same way you have).
Parents like this — and this is a core issue — know they are good people, know their world view correct (and know that others’ viewpoints are wrong) and know they doing the right thing in raising their children to follow their beliefs. Despite living in a world of almost complete gray, everything is black and white to them. You, of course, are right that the world is complex and full of many different people. For people like Caiden’s parents, there must be comfort in being so sure of yourself and your own righteousness.
While others, including me, may see that same right-ness as close-minded, bigoted and hateful, the “Caidens of Earth” don’t see that one bit and, alas, never will because they know they are right. And that blindness, alas, makes bridging the “cultural divide” so challenging. Sorry for being so long-winded. 🙂
Mr. Loser, change your name, because that is a brilliant comment. You nailed it. I am naive, I suppose, I always think there’s hope, even for someone like Caiden. Good on you for having sane kids! 🙂
Well said Erin. I just watched that video and was totally disgusted that a young man of 14 could be brainwashed into having such a bigoted worldview!
I see what you mean. I think my point is that as parents, we have a greater responsibility to change what we believe if it will negatively impact our children. I know this is asking a lot of anyone. Maybe I’m incredibly naive. To me, it is my most important job to guarantee to the best of my ability that our son is a force of good in the world, as opposed to children being raised the way Caiden is being raised-to be a force of negativity and hate. I enjoyed reading your comment, thanks!
But the problem here is that they don’t see what they’re doing as a negative impact, because to admit that would be to admit that they are, in some way, “wrong”. They justify their actions with their beliefs, hoping that if they are adament and convincing enough, the “correct” view will swing over to them.
They see themselves, and now their son, as a force of good, otherwise they have to admit that they are not and therefore, in their world of absolutes, they must be “bad”.
It’s more than slightly depressing, really.
That is more than slightly depressing. It’s Bizarro world-up is down, good is bad, negative is positive. And anyone raised in that world will enter the actual world terribly confused and alone.
Erin, I think your coming at this from the wrong angle. Caiden’s parents haven’t taught him hate and anger because that is what they see it as, they’ve done it because it is what they truly (wish to?) believe. The views he opines are a reflection of those nearest him and that mean the most to him.
There normally appears to be a dichotomy of those that have strong feelings (normally “backed up” with a religious pretext) against something like same-sex marriage and those that it actually affects.
My theory would be that the hate and anger comes not from the fact that it goes against their being and all that they believe in. It comes from the resentment that they never had the luxury of choice; resentment that they have lived their lives restricted by certain rules and conditions imposed upon them that these “heathens” and “blasphemers” openly flaunt, yet are not “stuck down by God’s wrath”; fear that these rules have limited their lives; and fear that if given the choice, they might have chosen differently and be happier today.
It is human nature to (if possible) deny one’s own mistakes. No one likes to be made a fool of, and even less to be shown to have made a fool of themselves. To avoid admitting they are wrong, they expend their energies seeking out those that agreed with them, and causing all within their influence to conform, and thus “be correct”. Those having grown up in this environment merely propagate those views until an internal or external influence forces them to reconsider.
This whole view may be seen as an attack on religions in general, and it is not meant that way. There are tollerant religious people, who will discuss their point of view, listen to alternatives, and have the ability to agree to disagree. These people are mostly decent people, and they draw strenght from their faith. Then there are the intollerant, who refuse to accept any point but their own, and insist on converting/condemning all who disagree. It is the latter that are full of fear and resentment.
And yes, there are atheists that fit into that second category as well.
Disclaimer/qualifier: I’m an apatheist.