Tea Party Blames Obama for Zombie Apocalypse

Pic courtesy of DigitalTrends.com

Florida’s Governor Rick Scott, AKA Skeletor, has vowed not to spend one dollar to fight the coming zombie apocalypse, denying claims that the Tea Party is behind the latest face eating attacks so that they can blame Barack Obama for being the “Zombie President.”

A “zombie apocalypse” may actually be behind the recent face-chewing incident in Florida. Rudy Eugene aka the Miami Cannibal, may have had a voodoo spell cast on him. His girlfriend said the flesh-eating attack was either due to drugs, or a curse from the devil. Tea anyone?

According to the Tea Party a zombie apocalypse is the breakdown of society as a result of zombie infestation.  In a zombie apocalypse, a widespread rise of zombies hostile to republicans, particularly Tea Party Republicans, engages in a general assault on political candidates and their supporters. Victims of zombies may become zombies themselves. This causes the outbreak to become an exponentially growing crisis: the spreading “zombie plague/virus” swamps normal military and law enforcement organizations, leading to the panicked collapse of civilian society until only isolated pockets of survivors remain, scavenging for food and supplies in a world reduced to a pre-industrial hostile wilderness.  The worst thing to happen as a result of a zombie apocalypse, aside from a zombie Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh, would be the election of Mitt Romney, despite the best efforts of the loyal zombies.

(CNN) The term “zombie apocalypse” has been lighting up the internet all week and has been among the top Google trends Friday morning.

On the Web’s Urban Dictionary, here’s definition No. 4 of zombie apocalypse: “The End of the World, when people who have died rise again in rotten corpses searching for blood and brains to strengthen them.”

While we’re certain the dead are not rising, the past week has seen some of the most disturbing instances of human behavior imaginable.

A man in Miami happens upon a homeless man on the sidewalk and chews off 75% of his face in an 18-minute attack. The attacker’s mother later says her son is not a zombie as portrayed in the media.

Authorities in Canada have launched a massive manhunt for a suspect after a severed hand was sent to Canada’s Liberal Party, a foot to the Conservatives and a torso was stuffed in a suitcase and tossed in the trash of the Montreal apartment building where he lived.

A Maryland man admits to killing his housemate, cutting him up, then eating his heart and part of his brain.

A New Jersey man rips his torso open and throws bits of his intestines at police, according to the Bergen Record.

There have been other equally grisly crimes, but there’s no need to dwell on them.

Tea Party leader, Tom Tetley, claims that the only way Obama can win the election is to recruit zombies to destroy those who would vote Romney and then themselves vote for Obama.  Tetley further claimed that only those born in Kenya have the power to conjure zombies.

Many thanks to CNN for their contributions to this story.

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Posted by on June 1, 2012. Filed under COMMENTARY/OPINION. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
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16 Responses to Tea Party Blames Obama for Zombie Apocalypse

  1. Ian46

    June 1, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    Ha! Very onionesque. Funny read MS.

  2. Jason

    June 1, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    Can we blame Rick Scott for the twilight movies then?

    • Michael John Scott

      June 1, 2012 at 4:26 pm

      LOL Jason. Good point. I saw one of them, the first one, at the request of my niece. I swore never again after that…

    • George DeMarse

      June 19, 2012 at 11:07 am

      You can blame Rick Scott for many bad things and you’d be right. Even trying to kill democracy.

      The Sage of Wake Forest

      • Michael John Scott

        June 19, 2012 at 9:22 pm

        I despise Rick Scott. As a Floridian I can honestly say I blame Florida for this….the majority voted for him.

  3. RalphReed

    June 1, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    I laughed myself silly when reading this. I’m sharing it everywhere. What scares me though is…nahh. Zombies? Obama? Kenya? Nahhhh….

  4. RickRay

    June 1, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    Jesus supposedly arose from the dead. Doesn’t that make him a zombie?

    • Michael John Scott

      June 1, 2012 at 7:57 pm

      One would think so Rick. He was the “Lord of the Zombies.”

  5. Jess

    June 1, 2012 at 5:49 pm

    Well, we better get used to the zombies moving fast through some of the red states, since they are all about getting brains for nourishment. Just sayin is all.

    • Michael John Scott

      June 1, 2012 at 7:58 pm

      LOL Jess. I think a few of my neighbors may have already met some brain eating zombies.

      • Jess

        June 1, 2012 at 8:20 pm

        No doubt in my mind that has happened. Now when the apocalypse comes, you don’t need to be faster than the baggers, you just need to be able to trip them up so you can flee, works for bear attacks too. Just giving tips for survival.

  6. Erin Nanasi

    June 1, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    That game ROCKS!

    • Michael John Scott

      June 1, 2012 at 7:57 pm

      I’ll be publishing a story on the game tomorrow.

  7. George DeMarse

    June 4, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    I think the “divide and conquer” Koch brothers are behind it. If they can back Scott Walker, they can back flesh-eating zombies that in a flash can attach disguised as a liberal, then a moderate, then a conservative–my God!

    • Michael John Scott

      June 4, 2012 at 4:16 pm

      You make a good point here George. The Kochsters have enough money to basically buy governments. Oh wait. They already bought Wisconsin. I wonder how they are with cheese.