Life is Worth Living

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I spent the evening of, and three days after my 16th birthday, in the ER and intensive care. For some unknown (at the time) reason, I had taken almost 200 Naprosyn and Darvon. If it was not for my father, I may not have survived my first suicide attempt.

This week, September 9-15, is Suicide Prevention Week. We are losing Americans at an alarming rate to suicide, especially teens and veterans. I don’t want to post statistics or medical information; I want to “talk” to you all from the heart. I have a lot of experience with wanting to die, and know many others who do as well.

The first time I was hospitalized, I met a really wonderful young woman, L. We would stay up until 3AM, playing Monopoly, much to the chagrin of the nurses. She and I became good friends, and we were released around the same time. A few weeks after our “freedom,” I received news that L had killed herself. We were the same age-17.

I have technically tried to end my own life twice, once at 16 and once when I was in my 20’s. I say technically because for decades, therapists thought my self-harm events were suicide attempts, so for a very long time, I thought I attempted suicide practically every day. Three cheers for horrible therapists?

When “normal” people discover that I suffered from borderline personality disorder and tried to end my own life, many times they ask why I wanted to die. That’s a tough question to answer, simply because I no longer feel helpless, alone, abandoned and ashamed. But I can tap into that, just a bit. And I think what I felt is what most people feel who are contemplating ending their lives.

Imagine it’s never quiet inside your head. White noise, whispers, even screaming is a constant; you have no peace. Imagine every time you look in the mirror, you don’t see someone who is pretty or handsome or popular or loved. You see what you have been told you are-ugly, stupid, weird, different, unlovable. Imagine not going to school, work, the grocery store, anywhere, because you are afraid. Now live like that for years and years.

Look at your arms. Are they smooth? Or do they look like mine, covered in scars? Some deep, some shallow, on your arms and on your wrist? Look at your face. Scars there, or is your skin pristine? How about your thighs? I’m not exaggerating. I tell people I used to wrestle tigers, and sometimes they believe me. BUT, not one of those scars is from a suicide attempt.

Why is that important? Because self harm and suicide attempts are two different things. My own mother believed I was “crying for attention” when I cut myself, which was patently false. Borderlines cut because it hurts less than what we’re feeling inside. And severely depressed people want to die because they simply cannot take anymore of their lives. Three people I know are dead by their own hand: L, a friend from high school and a director I knew in Florida.  Hopelessness is a powerful seducer, and it wraps you in darkness and tells you there’s nothing left for you here. That’s a lie.

The first thing anyone struggling with suicidal thoughts must do is tell a person they trust. Preferably a therapist, a counselor, a teacher or call a hotline. Suicide hotlines are staffed 24-7 with trained counselors who can get you through the crisis period and help find you help in your area. Do not take your own life. Please. Please trust me when I tell you that life is worth living.

My second suicide attempt worked. My heart stopped, I had bruises all over my chest from CPR and my own pet neurologist for a few days. I had overdosed on Pamelor, and had waited until I had no peripheral vision to call 911. I died. If I had not called 911, and had not made it to the hospital in time for them to revive me, I never would have gotten better, I never would have had my perfect son and I never would have married my amazing husband. My life would have ended in a shitty efficiency apartment in Altamonte Springs, Florida.

If you feel like nothing is working, and you just want the pain and the noise and the darkness to stop, find resources. I’m sharing a few links below; organizations well known for their ability to help people in trouble. But please, no matter what’s happening, don’t choose suicide. The feeling you have when you finally walk out of the darkness into the sunshine is indescribable. It’s glorious and wonderful and peaceful, and you deserve a chance to take that walk. Is it easy? No. It’s not instantaneous either; you have to work at it. With the right mental health specialist, the right support group and the right people in your life, you can do it. No one thought I could, and I did. So can you. How do I know? I’ve watched people make the journey, I’ve made the journey and we can all promise you, it’s worth it. Life is worth living.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/site-info/if-you-or-someone-you-know-is-in-crisis-and-needs-immediate-help.shtml

http://www.rainn.org/ (RAINN is specifically for victims and survivors of sexual assault and incest.)

http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ (The Trevor Project is dedicated to helping LGBT youth.)

http://www.veteranscrisisline.net/ (For veterans of our Armed Forces.)

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About Post Author

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is an avid underwater basket weaver, with a penchant for satire and the odd wombat reference.
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Bill Formby
11 years ago

Erin, I am glad you made it. Otherwise I would have never had the pleasure of reading the posts that you write and getting to know you through them. Trust me when I tell you that over my many years of experience there have been many of us, at one time or another, who have thought about eating our guns, to put it in the cop vernacular. I applaud and thank you for your openness and honesty and truly believe that if even one person reads this post and stops to think before doing something that will destroy not only them but many others around them, you have over achieved here. Great post.

11 years ago

Erin, I am proud of you for writing this and coming to a point in your life that you realize life is worth living. I have a very good friend who came very close also after his wife’s death just over a year ago. He has made great strides, but I will share your post with him.
Thanks-Carol

Erin Nanasi
Reply to  Carol Maietta views
11 years ago

Carol, thank you. I wish I had had someone like your grandfather to teach me lessons about life. I learned a lot on my own and with the help of amazing friends and a brilliant therapist named Burt. It’s much nicer in the light.

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