My Dad has Cancer-What Do I Do?

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My Father has cancer of the liver. My Mother and I were given the news about his condition a couple of months ago, and yet it feels like forever. He has tumors growing on his liver, and while they can shrink them down with chemo, it won’t cure him. The doctors say that ‘it will extend his life.’ But I wonder- what kind of life is he going to have?

My Dad has been a drinker as long as I’ve been alive, and when liver damage made that impossible, he stopped. But the problem after that was, his liver couldn’t completely filter out the toxins his body produced, which resulted in him becoming mentally confused. Kinda like having dementia without it being dementia.

I feel horrible for him when he’s having a bad day because he looks up at me with these sad, puppy-dog eyes and says, “Son, am I going crazy?” And I explain, “No, Dad- you just have a chemical imbalance. You’re just as sane as I am, though that’s not saying much.” Then he smiles and laughs. It breaks my heart every time.

Sometimes, when I watch him sleep, I do three things: I pray for him and hope he will wake up with a clear head, wish that I could have him back the way he was, and curse myself because I’d do anything to save him and can’t. I’m nothing more than a fucking caretaker, and I hate it.

I hate it because I feel so powerless to do anything more than what I’m already doing, and I hate the toll it’s taking on me and my mother’s lives. Yeah, I know how selfish that sounds, but I’m only human. It doesn’t mean I plan on running away from my responsibilities if I got the chance.

If anything, I’m more determined to help him now.

But the thing is, at what point of his suffering do you say to yourself, “I don’t want to see him hurt anymore?” When can I admit that I don’t want him to die because I can’t fucking stand the thought of living without him?

I don’t know. I don’t have the first fucking clue.

So why am I writing this? Because it’s two in the morning, I can’t sleep, and if I don’t do something, I’ll fucking scream.

Just saying.

About Post Author

Gregory B. Gonzalez

Gregory B. Gonzalez is an angry black man who isn't actually black. No, really- he told us to say that! His parents once had him tested for Tourette's, but when the doctor came back with his results, he said, "No, he's fine. Your son is just an a**hole!" It's been downhill ever since. He lives like the Unabomber, only without the explosives. Feel free to contact him provided you can actually locate him. Just keep in mind that he'll probably make fun of you to your face. We here at MMA can't stand him, so if you want him, he's all yours!
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11 years ago

I just wanted to thank everyone for their incredible notes of support for my family’s situation. My usual habit is to approach things with humor and sarcasm, but not with this. When I wrote the piece, I was overwhelmed and a little despondent. I was very grateful to know that I wasn’t alone in what I was feeling. My mother sends her thanks as well.

To Bill and Jess: I’m sorry for your loss, truly. If you went through what I am now, then I hope I can bear it a little better thanks to the amazing examples you have set. I promise I’ll keep everyone updated.

Thank you!

-Greg

Bill Formby
11 years ago

Greg, two weeks ago today my mother died so it seems like I should have some words of wisdom for you, but I don’t. Mom had Alzheimer’s for the past 4 years though it seems longer and hasn’t known who I, or any of my siblings were. I started grieving several years ago by saying that I was going to make sure that she was comfortable til the day she died, and I guess she was as comfortable as someone can be in her condition. I knew mom would not want to be kept alive on feeding tubes and respirators so I had signed a DNR for her despite a great deal of opposition from my siblings and her grandchildren.
I wish I could tell you there is an easy path through this, but there isn’t. Mom lived to be 87 and though we did not know each other for the last four years of her life, it WAS still difficult, and it IS still difficult. But, you and your mother will get through it. Be reassuring to your dad that you and your mother are ok, and will be ok because that is probably weighing on his mind. But, it seems that you are the strength of the family now and will understand what to do and when to do it.

Jess
Reply to  Bill Formby
11 years ago

I am so very sorry for your loss Bill. Please accept my condolences and sympathies.

Bill Formby
Reply to  Jess
11 years ago

Thank you Jess. I am a little like Greg n that I am not sure it was not a blessing in disguise. But I really do thank you for your thoughts.

Greenlight
Reply to  Bill Formby
11 years ago

Gregory, I’m sorry for what you are going through, but thank you for sharing. I have no words of wisdom but encourage you to keep writing, and hope that you take comfort in knowing that others may find understanding and kinship in your words just at the moment that they were feeling most alone. Bill, I didn’t know of your mother’s passing, I’m sorry for the loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Bill Formby
Reply to  Greenlight
11 years ago

G.L., I have kept it to myself for the most part. Thank you for your thoughts. It has been a long, tough road.

Jess
11 years ago

But the thing is, at what point of his suffering do you say to yourself, “I don’t want to see him hurt anymore?” When can I admit that I don’t want him to die because I can’t fucking stand the thought of living without him?

As an only child that had to make “THAT” decision, it is heartbreaking but you know what, I just knew my mother would not have wanted to be kept on machines prolonging a bad quality of life. I can tell you, nothing prepared me for the minute she took her last breath, even though I had been preparing myself. All the books and advice in the world cannot take that thought out of your head how to live without them. I think about my rental units daily, some days worse than others but you get through it somehow. By the time I was 25 I lost both ‘rents, dad first, and I thought I would never come up from the depths of despair but somehow I managed. therapy helped me with that a lot. As far as you are only a caretaker, you are doing what you need to for your rental units and that is commendable. You’ll know when it is time for you to let go and that is how it should be.

All you can really do is be there to listen, wipe his brow when he is hurting, talk to him and make certain you take time for yourself. That last one I cannot stress enough. As a caretaker, you have to make time for yourself or you will go crazy.

11 years ago

First, my sympathies for what I know is a very difficult time for you. It’s something most of us have to face sooner or later. Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. It’s like being told, “Others have it worse.” Does that make yours any easier? Does it reduce the pain of you and those you love? It only makes someone else feel as though they had done something useful, is all.

I know how helpless you feel. You can ask the doctors if there is anything else you can do. If there is, they’ll tell you. If there isn’t, you can take some cold comfort in knowing you are doing all you can. I think if you asked your dad, he would tell you that caring enough to be with him and is the most important thing. You are doing that and that is really more than most. Even though we know we will eventually face the inevitable, you are probably like us was with the death of my own mother.

You may be thinking, “OK, but not just yet.” At least that’s the way I felt. “Not yet, a few more months,” I deluded myself into thinking. I knew she was on oxygen 24/7 and was sometimes mentally confused, but I wanted “not yet” more for myself than for her.

You sound strong, stay strong for him and let him know you are there for him and will always be. That’s the greatest gift you can give him.

Reply to  James Smith
11 years ago

I agree with James…you sound strong. Any time something likes this comes our way, we feel helpless and out of control. So do things you DO have control of…talk to the doctors, be with him, take care of you and your mother as well, read to him, play music and if he is lucid enough, ask him to tell you things about his childhood that you can write down to pass on to other generations. You will know when the time has come to make decisions, so just take it a day at a time now. Gregory, I wish you well and keep us updated.

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