When Dating Sucks
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You know, writing personal blogs seemed a lot easier when I was on MySpace. For one thing, most of my followers were people I didn’t really know- they just liked what I wrote. Now I’m putting my feelings out for all my friends to see and it’s a little daunting. I guess the only saving grace is that none of them bother reading anything I post.
I’ve never liked dating. Actually, I fucking hate it. It’s like a job interview that NEVER ends. What’s worse, you can never truly be yourself. And if you try, you’ll more than likely never get anywhere. When I go out, I’m well-dressed, funny, charming, and an intellectually stimulating conversationalist. In other words, I’m a polished douchebag.
The asshole in me doesn’t come out until the third date, and by then, I usually think that it’s safe to let my refined mask of civility slip a little bit. Big mistake. It’s like I always say, men and women judge each other differently. With men, we keep it simple because we’re simpletons. We judge on a scale from one to ten based on face, body, and personality. Then we distill that down to a base average and go from there. If we only want to get laid and don’t plan on looking back, we’ll simply tell our date what she wants to hear and vanish in the middle of the night like we just entered witness protection. Case closed.
Women, on the other hand, judge us differently. As a whole, women are a mystery to all men- living or dead. But the one thing we can all agree on is this- a woman knows if she’s gonna fuck, date or kill you within five seconds of meeting. Final judgment, no appeals.
Well, that’s not totally true. Booze is the great equalizer for both sides. Be that as it may…
I’ve dated three women in the past three months, and all of those encounters ended in disaster. I mean, I’m all right, thank Heaven, but I’m sure that the three girls in question are pretty much looking to put out a contract on yours truly. And you wanna know why?
It’s because I don’t want to be in a relationship.
When I first began dating two of the three, (whose names I won’t mention because that would be indiscreet, though you know who you are) I said specifically- “It doesn’t matter how far this goes or what happens- you are not going to end up in a relationship with me.”
That’s not to say I was opposed to things going farther provided we were both on the same page emotionally, but that seemed to get lost in translation. Not only did I make these distinctions perfectly clear, but I also re-affirmed them on a weekly basis. The only problem is, I think women only tend to hear what they want to hear.
In the case of Girl #1, things between us were really great- at first. She was someone I had recently reconnected with, and we hit it off like a house on fire. I honestly thought we had great potential between us because she seemed to be the kind of person I wanted to be with- smart, funny, independent, and caring. It felt good around her because she was so easy to be with. I actually let my shields down a bit, so much so that I seriously considered taking things to the next level. But I wanted to do things gradually. I wanted to make sure that I was making all the right moves- not just for me, but for her, too.
Then things started to get weird. The first thing was when Girl #1 gave me a Christmas gift. Or should I say, GIFTS. I got more stuff from her than I did from my entire family. That was red flag number one. The second one came when she began to compare me to a former boyfriend she had. Never a good thing, especially when the boyfriend in question was a total scumbag. Apparently, this guy forced her to lose weight while he dated other women and was a religious freak as well. I dunno why she compared me to him. I never did any of those things. I have enough trouble managing my own life. Besides, I can’t juggle more than one thing at a time. I suck at multitasking. That probably explains why I’ve never had a threesome. But I digress.
The final straw came when she started to get more serious. She kept tossing around the ‘L’ word, and I kept cutting her off and dodging it like Maverick being shot at by Russian MIGs in TOP GUN. I even went so far as to beg her not to say it. No dice, though- she used the dreaded three words. What made it worse is that I didn’t feel anything close to what she did.
I ended up having to call it off. I thought I could make it a clean break and let her down easy, but I wasn’t that lucky. I told her every reason why I didn’t want to see her anymore, but she wasn’t having any of it. She thought I didn’t want to see her because she was a little bit overweight, which, in truth, had almost nothing to do with it. We couldn’t even be friends because she kept playing the victim card on Facebook, acting like I broke her heart.
I was like, “We were never a couple! What color is the sky in your world?”
It figures. Even when I try to do the right thing, I still get screwed.
Girl #2, well, that’s a different story. The short version with her is that she seemed to want what I wanted- someone to be a companion without having any of the relationship hang-ups coming between us. Stupid me, I thought I hit the jackpot. I know what you’re thinking- “How is this different from a FWB relationship?”
To be honest, I wasn’t sure if that’s what it was. If I had to make a distinction, I’d probably say that I wasn’t looking to have sex. I mean, I’m not stupid enough to turn it down, but I never planned on making it my number one priority.
At any rate, things between Girl #2 and I progressed beyond the companion level, practically after the second phone call. Being a gentleman, I won’t bore you with the details, suffice it to say that after two dates, Girl #2 tells me that she wants to be my girlfriend.
My brain automatically shifted into ‘exit- stage left’ mode. Then I thought about it for a minute. First mistake.
I liked Girl #2 a lot. And I liked the action I was getting. I finally relented and told her that I would give the whole relationship thing a try. I didn’t last a day before I started to feel like I was trussed up in a strait-jacket with a noose tied around my neck. Girl #2 bombarded me with texts all day long and I began to feel like I was buried up to my neck in sand with the tide rolling in. Needless to say, she wasn’t very happy with me when I told her how I felt, nor was she happy with me for some stupid joke I made about her on Facebook.
The fight we had made me realize why I hate being in relationships- I don’t like taking a lot of shit, I hate women’s insecurities, and God save me from clingyness. Death is preferable to that. Six years of being with my ex-wife proved that much to me. Blah.
I couldn’t even maintain a platonic relationship with Girl #3, though I don’t really consider that to be my fault. She has issues with her Mother and had a very public meltdown at the Pasadena courthouse while trying to get a restraining order against her. I guess making that ‘joy luck club’ joke about drowning babies probably wasn’t my best move, huh? Oops.
Like I was just supposed to know her Mother had tried to drown her as a child?
I never use the words, ‘I love you’ casually. I only say them when I truly mean them, and I’ve only said them three times- once, to my ex-wife, once, to my soulmate, and then once, to a girl whom I never intended to fall in love with.
In a way, I guess I’m luckier than most. I did manage to find my one, true soulmate- the girl who is my other half, and the part of me that I never knew was missing. But the thing that no one ever tells you is that finding your soulmate is as just as much a blessing as it is a curse.
I’ve loved my soulmate for nearly half of my life, but in that time, we’ve never been able to make it work between us. It just seems like life conspires to keep us apart. It used to bother me, but over the years, I’ve managed to make peace with it and move on. Besides, it’s not like I have any other choice.
The funny thing is, I never thought I’d feel for another person what I felt for her again. I have no problem in admitting that I have scars from what my ex-wife did to me. I just keep them hidden better than I let on. Then I met this girl, and we became friends. Good friends. I knew becoming anything more than that was never going to happen, mostly because she is…. Well, out of my league.
Nonetheless, it felt great to have a woman in my life that would never be anything more than a friend. I didn’t have to impress her, charm her, or work for her company. It was just there. Emotions complicate things, and I didn’t let them get in the way.
After a year or so, I finally realized that feelings had developed, and I wasn’t able to deal with it. On top of all the other problems I was having, my life just spiraled out of control and I screwed up the friendship beyond any hope of repair. Things got so bad that I went into a deep depression and wanted to give up on life altogether. There were days when I thought I’d never move past it.
I wanted to tell my friend that even though I had fallen for her more deeply than I thought possible, the one thing I never wanted was for our friendship to change. I never asked her how she felt about me, nor did I want to be with her- romantically, anyway. To be perfectly honest, I never felt like I was worthy of her.
As they say, ‘life goes on.’ As much as I desperately wish I could change the past, I know I can’t.
I only wish she knew how sorry I am and how much I miss her.
For the moment, I think I’m better off alone. I need to reassess a few things and get my shit together, none of which I can do while I’m dating somebody. Besides, it’s impossible to love someone else when I don’t love myself. I don’t know if I ever will, really.
There’s this song lyric I love that pretty much sums up how I feel these days. It goes, “Though I don’t understand the meaning of love, I do not mind if I die trying.”
And I don’t. Am I the only one?
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Jess- I have no problem in admitting that I am emotionally tapped out because of my father’s condition, but relationships are truly the very last thing on my mind right now. I’m not giving up though, I was actually able to get out and go on two dates this week. Having said that, I’m mostly just taking things as they come. Everybody knows what I’m dealing with, so the drama factor is negligible, thank Heaven!
After the whole debacle with Steph a few years ago, my drinking did get out of hand for awhile, but once I realized that it was becoming a real problem, I gave it up. I kind of laugh about it now because when I think of what I’m going through now, the thought of how much it sucks to be doing it sober is harder than I ever thought possible. On a personal note, I’m drinking enough coffee and coke to give me a kidney stone as big as my head.
Thanks for saying you would date me if circumstances permitted. Just keep in mind, I’m hardly a saint. I do the things I do in life mostly because they’re the right thing to do, and because my conscience won’t permit me to do anything less. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the last living human being to feel that way. I know I’m not, because I’m fortunate enough to have met and know some of the greatest people who have since become good friends. Even if that’s all I ever have, then it will be enough. It’s all I need, really.
The cool thing about love, it can be like those images that can only be seen by unfocusing your eyes–sometimes the mere act of NOT focusing on it is what helps develop stronger relationships in the long run. (Isn’t there some saying about being more likely to find love when you aren’t looking?) I wish you the best regardless, in all things that you’re currently facing.
What a nice thought…the less we focus on something like love, the more likely it is we will have it. I like that. Thanks
You’re welcome, Jim! I wish I could have been there! Just to clarify- what happened with my soulmate and I was through no fault of my own. Even though she realizes that we have this amazing connection between us, she has NEVER been able to accept it. That’s the problem.
As far as my friend Stephanie goes, my feelings for her were something that just crept up on me. I honestly had zero intention of being anything more to her when we began the friendship. But somewhere along the line, I guess I was fighting something that was already there. I told her what I was feeling initially because I just couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. I had hoped that my feelings would eventually fade, but with everything else I had going on at the time, I had what amounts to a bit of an emotional breakdown. There was a lot of anger in me and I was drinking a lot to drown all the things that were swimming around in my head. I was never angry at her, though. I directed all of that at myself for being such a jackass as to fall in love with her when it was never going to go anywhere.
Remember this also Greg. You have a lot of things going on with your dad right now, that have to be taking a lot out of you emotionally. not to go all sexist or anything but some men handle crisis only one at a time. Don’t know where you fall in that male spectrum, so maybe I am talking out of line. You can tell me, I’m a big girl I can take it 🙂 As far as drinking, well I will worry if you come back and say you are drinking too much to drown out real life all the time. I don’t think alcohol should be used for that purpose but that’s just me. I believe in getting things out into the open and working them out. Like I said before, therapy and yes… medication helped me right after my father passed away and was a major help when mom passed away. Hell, this 31 yr old would date you, if I was single, we lived near each other and you asked, just because of the love you have shown your parents here on these pages. It will happen for you, when you are of the notion you want to invite it in.
Thanks for all the compliments and advice, folks! But the truth is that with my father’s health being what it is, love and romance are pretty low on my list of priorities at the moment. Sure, I get lonely every so often, but for the most part, I push those feelings down and do my best to move forward. That’s really all I’m capable of right now.
@ Jess- My friend Stephanie, the friend I ended up falling for, sadly wants nothing more to with me. I’m not really angry about it because what happened between us was just bad circumstance and a lot of misunderstandings. I’ve tried many times to tell my side of the story, but she refuses to speak to me. I can’t say I really blame her. It hurt a lot when our friendship fell apart, but I’ve learned to live without it and move on. I’ll tell you this, though- I’ve missed her every single day since then.
@ Carol: The answer to your questions:
1. Like I said, she refuses to speak to me. I mean, I know I acted like a total ass with her- that’s never been in dispute, but I was going through a hard time and my brain was in the twilight zone back then. I’m not that guy anymore. As far as her being ‘out of my league’, I suppose I built that up in my mind as a safety valve in some respects because I didn’t want to complicate the friendship. While I have dated a few hot girls in my time, the last thing I wanted was to develop feelings in some overblown romantic cliche. Maybe I didn’t give her enough credit for having enough depth of character, but it just seemed to make life easier.
2. I do have an actual soulmate. Her name is Kathee, and I met her while I was in Oxford, England. The connection we have is like nothing I’ve felt before or since. But like any true romantic story, the two people who are meant to be together never actually stay that way. We’re still friends, though. Our story is the basis for my first novel- THE OXFORD CONFIDENTIAL.
On a separate note, finding my soulmate has made it hard for me to fall in love again, but when I met my friend Stephanie, the friendship we had made me realize that better things can come from a relationship that’s not based heat and chemistry. If things between had gone further, I think maybe I would have ended up loving her more than the girl whom I was actually intended for. That’s just a theory now.
3 and 4: You should know as well as I do that as a writer, you’re pretty much a born romantic. I still believe that love possible, and I know what I want now. I’m not closing the door, I’m just keeping one foot in the doorstop. =)
Last thing- Happy birthday, Jim!
Greg, I understand, completely. I know I met my soul mate some years ago and, like you, I ruined it through my own stupidity. Also like you, we are still friends, somewhat. we do communicate most weeks, but I am afraid I killed thr romantic connection,.
Finally, thanks for the BD greetings, as I mentioned above, the party was more than I expected. Police, lawyers, and judges do know how to get down when the times comes. 🙂 I’m fortunate to have them as friends and relatives.
Great article! You did well at capturing experiences to which many of us can relate. Well, maybe give or take the Pasadena courthouse scene. 🙂
Shout out to Mr. Mad for making dating not suck. 🙂
I should be thanking you for making dating not suck 🙂
Gregory, I really enjoyed your post ad have a few thoughts:
1. Unless the “girl” out of your league is dead….tell her how much you are sorry and miss her…and did she tell you you were out of her league or did you contrive that to be safe from the relationship?
2. I thought I had a soul mate once…he died last year. So if there can only be one in a lifetime, I’m in big trouble 🙂
3. Read my post from last week on the meaning of love…to me. For me, and probably you, it’s a lot less complicated and less perfect than we try to make it.
4. You say you have to love yourself before you can love another…part of that is true, but sadly, that will take a lifetime. BUT, as you take the journey to bring out the best in yourself, you will be led to real love.
JUST my five cents (inflation).
I wish you luck.
Carol
Greg, you are not alone my friend. The mystical wonders of women is something that keeps most every man talking to himself. As Rick and Mr. Smith have mentioned above, even at advanced age (I at 69) still have sort feel our way along. It is nice though when you occasionally run into a female who sort of follows your train of thought as Rick suggested. Really good post Greg and I feel for you man.
I only wish she knew how sorry I am and how much I miss her.
Have you thought about telling her this? I won’t get all girly, I will just say some of us women like when a guy opens up to us. Oh and you don’t sound like a polished douchebag, by the way, you just sound like the male version of some of us women, that know what we want and are not afraid to admit it. That you don’t want to have a clingy possessive you have to be around me 24 hrs type of woman, I can understand that. I had to get rid of a few men because of the neediness, cling to me shit and I love you stuff when I wasn’t ready for it. I don’t need anyone to take care of me (insert whatever guy here) I can do all that and more, by myself, thank you very much.
You’ll come to realize like I did that by the time you reach 63 and have been married/divorced twice with half a dozen relationships in between that we’d really rather live alone. However, that does become lonely and who the hell is going to look after you when you’re sick or need a ride to the hospital. I think we eventually have to lower our standards and pick 2 or 3 good qualities within a mate and hope for the best. After so many years, fat, ugly, scatterbrained don’t matter as much as kind, caring, and secure. It also helps if you both have the same worldview. (i.e. religious/non-religious). Oh to be 25 and know what I know now. LOL
Rick, I agree. As my 70th BD is tomorrow, I can add, “Oh to be 25 and know what I knew then!” 😀
Well here is an early happy Birthday to you James. I’m not going to be around tomorrow for the actual wishing, so you get it today 🙂
Thank you Jess. The party was actually last night and I think I am nearly recovered now. 😉
That’s a problem when many of your friends and family are police officers, judges, and lawyers. When they let go, it’s usually memorable. 🙂
But, you’re only 70 once and it was worth it. I think my ears will stop ringing soon.
James as a retired police officer I can relate to those kind of parties and my hat off to you for reaching the big “70.”
Having been a part-time trainer for police departments in three countries and having two close relatives that were police chiefs, I know what I was getting into. 😉
I didn’t know the judges were going to part hearty, but one of them being a nephew here, I shouldn’t have been surprised.
I was hoping to be able to do my age in pushups but I have fallen quite a bit short of the. (50, not 70) but 80 is around the corner so I have some time, yet. 🙂
What a coincidence James, on several fronts, but on the pushup front I was reaching for 58 (on that birthday) when I did something to my sciatic nerve, collapsed, screaming like a fool. I have been unable to do pushups since, and trust me I’ve a few to make up. Sent you an email by the way….
More of a coincidence than you think. I had a pinched sciatic nerve in 2005 from a swollen disk pressing on it. After months of agony and painkillers, I went to a neurosurgeon here that was the only on in this area trained on new procedure invented here in Brazil.
It’s called Nucleoplasty and is non-invasive (sorta). It involves a needle inserted into the disk, liquifying the internal goop with RF energy, then sucking out enough to relieve the pressure on the nerve. Instant relief and I was home in my own bed less than 12 hours later. Never a twinge since then.
I understand it is now available in the USA and nearly worldwide.
The health care plan here is great. Total cost tome $0.00.
I can relate, albeit a long, long time ago…. 🙂
So sad, but so common and so true.