Bachelorette-Senior Style

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Pic from: http://whimsydreamer.wordpress.com/2011/10/12/humor-satire-funnysenior-citizen-love/
Pic from: http://whimsydreamer.wordpress.com/2011/10/12/humor-satire-funnysenior-citizen-love/

Has anyone ever noticed that sometimes life is just not fair? For example, when we (seniors) need dating help the most, all the shows are designed for the 35 and younger set. I say seniors should unite and follow me with this idea!

When I was 35 and younger, I didn’t need help getting a date. All of my body parts were still at the proper level, my skin was as smooth as a baby’s butt, my hair was a lovely natural auburn, and when I moved, my joints didn’t make more noise than six Clydesdale horses on a brick road. Dates were a dime a dozen.

But at my current age, ahhh….that’s another story. I don’t have time to date men one at a time until I patiently see if one has potential; in that process, I’ll be ten years older and, based on statistics, the man I select will most likely be about ready to croak. So, as you can see…I have a dilemma.

I am turning to the readers of MadMikesAmerica for help because I noticed a few of you have admitted you watch the Bachelor or Bachelorette. The others have at least watched it once or are outright lying. So, hopefully, you’ll all support my new idea and assist me in expanding ideas for my senior version of the show.  Here are some highlights I imagine will be audience grabbers. What do you think?

  • Instead of a rose, the senior bachelorette would declare her commitment to the choice men with a pack of chocolate Ex-Lax.
  • When it’s time to visit the bachelors’ home towns, the most exciting part of the trip will be to the cemetery.
  • The senior bachelorette will not judge her future mate by his muscles or great smile, but instead will select men that actually have teeth and four extremities.
  • The first kisses might be a bit hard to watch, especially for those of you that are still young and sexy. The “kissers” will have to remove their glasses, rinse off false teeth, loosen girdle (the bachelorette too), find a kissing position that will cause the least amount of joint pain, and then repeat with as many of the senior bachelors as bachelorette (and audience) can stomach.
  • Testing companionship will be critical; do the seniors have the same activities in common? Ability to walk around one block without the aid of durable medical equipment (cane or walker); doctors’ appointments that don’t conflict with each other’s; desire for a good 4pm dinner at Cracker Barrel, and free appetizers at a local pub AND a container to go.
  • The senior men in my show will have to compete against each other for the attention of the bachelorette (me). But the competition will be less about strength and teamwork and more about ability to independently perform activities of daily living: driving faster than 25 miles per hour…..in the dark; filling medication containers…..with no errors; getting in and out of a bath tub…..without help; and walking up one flight of stairs…..making it up two would be a definite winner of a box of ExLax.
  • My ideal senior bachelor would also have to have some basic life styles in common with me: to bed at 8pm, rise at 6am, no caffeine after noon, limited desire for spicy food, and a stomach that can stand lots of ibuprofen for aches and pains.

By now, you are either fully disgusted OR wondering how I will select the BEST senior bachelor. If I am to be completely honest, I guess there are some things he should have, although I am not a “material” senior. So my old man will have to have:

  • A car less than 10 years old…unless it is now a vintage car. In that case, I’m willing to consider him but contingent upon photos of the auto.
  • A retirement income…even if it is small. I’m too old to support anyone except myself: been there, done that.
  • A roof over his head (nursing home does not count).
  • A dog….not a miniature anything…a real dog.
  • History of at least ONE good relationship in his past 60 years.
  • I’m sure there are other things he should have…but I have forgotten what they are. You young’uns might be able to help me on that one.

But in the end, I think I will make my final decision based on absence of things versus having something the rest don’t have:

  • No vindictive ex-wife, current wife or crazy old girl friend. I am way too old for drama.
  • No life time of bad debt.
  • No gaps from missing front teeth. False teeth will be considered, but not missing teeth without replacements.
  • No hair pieces. In fact, old men with hair pieces will be automatically disqualified.
  • No need for adult diapers.
  • No disabled parking permit: not yet, anyway.
  • No strange smells on clothes: moth balls, embalming fluid, or old body fluids.
  • And please, no toenail fungus.

And think about all of the advertising opportunities Senior Bachelorette will provide to those greedy retailers we all love so much: bran buds, lactose free milk, glucosamine, SeniorPeople.com, and yes…even that little blue pill….not that it will do any good.

Well, I’m getting a bit low on energy so I think I’ll just go take a nap now. But I’ll probably have energy again later to deal with this if any of you can offer me help with my idea.

Or better yet, let me know if you are (or know of) a senior male that wants a spot on my show. And I’m really not that decrepit yet. I’m portraying myself as much older acting than I am; I really go to bed at 9pm.

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About Post Author

Carol Maietta

A healthcare executive (HR and Nursing) who relocated to Alabama from South Florida 6 years ago. I have an open-minded approach to life combined with the ability to find humor in the ridiculous (including myself).
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Andrea Thierauf
10 years ago

Food industry applications, both of pure lactose and lactose-containing dairy by-products, have markedly increased since the 1960s. For example, its bland flavor has lent to its use as a carrier and stabiliser of aromas and pharmaceutical products. Lactose is not added directly to many foods, because it is not sweet and its solubility is less than other sugars commonly used in food. Infant formula is a notable exception, where the addition of lactose is necessary to match the composition of human milk.

Jess
11 years ago

I know there is a new website now for tribal elders that are 50 or older. Our Time, and the oldz look like they are having lots of fun, seeing as how they are all old and everything 😉 I think all your suggestions for the show are excellent but I would want to know if my partner, male or female, was still up to the sexytimes. So how to add that without having the younger peeps that might watch it go ewwww, that’s just so wrong that granny and pops still bump the uglies. You know how that goes, thinking of your rental units getting it on behind closed doors brings things to the mind that should never be brought. Sorry for the visuals if any of you are having them, I’ll send you industrial strength brain bleach as a door prize.

Bill Formby
Reply to  Jess
11 years ago

Jess, remember you will one day be one of us so watch the “old and everything” comments. Trust me, I would love to be back at 50 again.

Jess
Reply to  Bill Formby
11 years ago

I know I will and I do not do this to be mean really I don’t, it’s more tongue in cheek and sarcasm given some of the ageism we have going on in this country. I will be more wary of it in the future though so I don’t cause any hurt with my words.

Reply to  Bill Formby
11 years ago

Bill, I think 50 is an official senior. Just stop at a Denny’s and ask them.

Reply to  Jess
11 years ago

Wow…Jess, I will look up that site. I was not insulted by being called “old and everything” because I assumed the everything meant alive and happy. And I do agree about being up to the sexy times 🙂 but even I would say ewwwww if I stop and think about it long.

Joe Hagstrom
11 years ago

I think you’re being too picky. After all is said and done all us guys really want in a chick is for her to be a good sport.

Reply to  Joe Hagstrom
11 years ago

Joe, your reply makes me think you must have toenail fungus 🙂

Bill Formby
11 years ago

Very funny Carol. It sounds like a good show for you….to moderate but you are far from the contestant stage right now. I will keep my eyes open for any potential candidates.

Reply to  Bill Formby
11 years ago

Thanks Bill, but I could easily be on that show. If not, the ideas would not have come to me so easily 🙂

Admin
11 years ago

I LOVED this Carol!

Reply to  Professor Mike
11 years ago

Thanks Mike….not that you can relate to any of this.

Dale Fisk
11 years ago

I’m with you Tim. Carol this might be one of your best. Laughed until I cried.

Reply to  Dale Fisk
11 years ago

Dale, I’m happy you caught the humor and sarcasm in this post. Thanks.

Timmy Taylor
11 years ago

HA HA!! Brilliant. Fun and funny for a blue Monday. Just shared it with the whole office. Now there’s just big smiles everywhere. Thanks.

Reply to  Timmy Taylor
11 years ago

I read your reply on my way to work and smiled myself…that I made anyone’s Monday brighter 🙂

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