Depression: Don’t Ignore It
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In September of 1992, I cried myself to sleep in my dorm after my parents drove off after delivering me to my beloved University which is 250 miles from home. Having never been away from my parents for any extended period of time, I was lost in an unfamiliar city with no friends and, worse, no car.
Fast forward, here I am, it’s 2013, the year I turn The Big Four-Oh. I’ve had a 40th-Birthday countdown widget on my smartphone since I had 551 days left to tick off. I’m not sure why I’m excited to turn 40. Part of me thinks, Meh, it’s just a number. Part of me thinks I do know why.
The part of me that thinks I know why I’m ecstatic to reach this milestone this summer is because I, like some of the people who’re going to read this essay, suffer from crippling depression. It knocks me on my tush without warning, whammo!, like a baseball bat to the ribcage.
As my faithful readers already know, I do have a wicked sense of humor; I mean, c’mon, who else can find the hysteria in The Donner Party and laugh for five minutes with tears streaming down their faces? But, out of my depression, the mask I am forced to wear is my humor.
Now, don’t get the impression that I sit around in the dark, wearing nothing but black clothing and looking like an overweight, female Marilyn Manson. No, not at all. I’m a fun, happy, silly, wild, mild, chill, eccentric old girl! I do have a lot of fun in my life; one of my greatest pleasures in this world is writing these essays.
It’s not an easy subject to discuss depression, but someone has to! Why not me? I want people to rip off their blinders and rethink the term “mental illness.” I mean, for heaven’s sake, that’s painting with a broad brush, right? No one would ever knock me for having an issue with a bum knee, so why would anyone knock me for having some bum wiring in my brain?
I nearly typed “In America,” but I’m changing that to reflect “On Earth” we need to lift the veil of secrecy, shame and embarrassment of seeking help for mental conditions that are, mostly, treatable. Am I doctor? Heck no. Am I one to give un-asked-for advice? Yep. However, I’ve been suffering with Bi-Polar Disorder for half my life and, let me tell you, it’s no fun.
In the age of the Internet, cell phones, Wi-Fi, 3G, and tablets, we’re all linked to a global system of – yep – you guessed it – support! No one in the year 2013 should ever be made to feel badly, or “less-than” if they seek out assistance, or even ask their primary care physician, for thoughts they’ve got dealing with depression. I urge you to do an online search for help in your area.
There is an enormous difference between “Aw, Julie’s just blue today.” versus “Holy crap, Julie’s on the warpath today.” The worst thing anyone could ever say to me during a depressive episode is, “Hey, Julie, smile. Cheer up.” It takes extreme muscle control to not kick that person in the trachea.
When I’m having a manic episode, I’m clownish, I’m loud, boisterous, and overly talkative and I hate myself when this happens. I often replay the events of the day and think of what a lousy day I had and regret manic shopping spree purchases.
When I’m having a depressive episode, I’m nearly immobile, I sleep to escape the pain of my existence, I’m silent, I don’t answer the phone, emails or texts and I hate myself when this happens. I often replay the events of the day and think of what a lousy day I had and regret that I have this incurable – but treatable – disorder.
With the help of the right mental health professionals, a good family and some really great friends, you can cope with Bi-Polar Disorder. I didn’t do anything to deserve this; these are the cards I was dealt. I’m doing quite well, though. I write to let out some steam. I write to show people I care about humanity as a whole. I write because it lets me clear out some of the cobwebs I’ve got in my brain. I write because it’s what I was meant to do.
If I’m able to help one person with this little essay, then my work is not for nothing. If you feel that you’ve got nowhere else to go, that you’re at the end of your rope and there isn’t a light at the end of your tunnel, seek help, just call a friend, family member, go to a hospital, church, synagogue, mosque, police station, they will get you the help you need.
In April of 2012, I was ready to check into a hospital for suicidal ideation, but there was one issue stopping me from doing so. I have four cats and I wasn’t sure if my Mom and my best friend had the newest keys to my house, since I’d changed the locks. The only reason I did not check into the hospital was because I had no one to look after my cats. So, I made copies of my house key for my Mom and best friend and now I know I have back-up if worst should ever come to worst.
Anyone who suffers from depression needs to have a few back-up plans. I know my cats would be well tended to if I should take a leave of absence from home for a while. They need me as much as I need them. I’m their mother and I can’t risk leaving them by being too embarrassed to ask for help when I so desperately need it. And you shouldn’t either.
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Firstly, you love cats therefore you are beautiful.
Secondly I suffered from depression – without knowing it – from around the age of 15 until now. I say ‘now’ because it can still rear it’s ugly head from time to time. I’ve learnt to control it – sometimes unfortunately with drink which makes me unpredictable at times (doesn’t it Mike? 😉 )
The wifey had a complete break down last April (and NO! It had nothing to do with being married to me for 28 years!!!)….probably
She’s still being treated for the ensuing depression (it was due to pressure of work incidentally) and is making slow but sure progress.
This was a STONKING article Julie (means ‘awesome’ in England) and I thank you for it very much.
You take good care of yourself and, of course, your furry babies!
xxx
Julie you touched home with your beautiful words. Thanks so much for having the courage to share with us.
Thanks for sharing, Julie. I was in a relationship many years ago with a manic-depressive man. Back then, I was still in my try to save everyone mode, so I was more of a burden to him than a help. The medications work wonders. I have another friend who said after a month of the medication, she went from seeing the world in black and white to being able to experience some color every few “frames”.
Be well.
Thanks so much for sharing with us Julie. Your experiences, and the way you dealt with them, just may help someone else who suffers from this terrible condition. Depression is a terrible state and being open and honest about it is the best route, in my opinion, to recovery.
I know someone that has serious problems with depression. She’s 62 now and has become much better in the last ten years. She used to go into deep depressions that would last for weeks. And do it often. Now, she gets that way several times a year but they only last for two or three days instead of weeks.
Even she is now able to see yer improvement. I’m happy to be able to say I have been there as a support, even though being many thousands of miles away. She’s survived a horror of a marriage, at least one destructive relationship, and come trough as usually cheerful and energetic. I remember a time when she wold take to her bed for days and alternate sleeping and crying. There is hope for anyone and things can get better.
Julie, I understand what you are dealing with, sort of (forgive the preposition at the end of the sentence). I am almost 30 years ahead of you and have been clinically depressed according to my shrinks since before I was your age. I have a string of shrinks to prove it. The improvements in mental health treatments (yes they have improved) have made things livable. The good thing is that things are only going to get better because of the awareness of mental health treatment needs.
We are glad to have you here at MMA (MadMikesAmerica) and I look forward to reading more from you. I give you one word of caution though. While we here at MMA are, by and large, good and understanding folks, this is the world wide web and hundreds of thousands of people visit here everyday. Be careful about sharing personal feelings that are sensitive to you because there are people who might not be so understanding out there in the world.
All the best in your journey.