The Religion-ometer or Was Jesus Actually a Zombie

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zombiejesus

Precisely what IS a bad religion? Alternatively, is religion a BAD thing? How do we tell? How do we know? Did Jesus get fed up ‘hanging around’ and was that the reason he was reborn or did he return from the dead a la Zombie?

Did Judas really commit suicide for grassing up Jesus to Pontius Pilate or did Jesus return as a Zombie and eat his head?

Was Jesus actually a Zombie? I feel a script for a great new Zombie movie coming on here so I henceforth copyright the idea and I will see anyone who steals this idea in court!!! – George (or whatever) Romero eat your heart out! – Which, if you were a Zombie you would indeed do.

Shall we check this religion thing out then eh? This contribution is intended as an open discussion between relatively sane adults – and me.

Christianity : Entirely dependent on The Bible which states many bizarre things but none more bizarre than some chap called Jesus being crucified and stabbed by a Roman spear to make sure he’s actually dead until he rises again – note that he rose again at Easter so perhaps all those chocolate Easter eggs gave him the incentive – and, after being dead, he wasn’t. Now if that isn’t straight out of ‘Zombie Land’ I don’t know what is.

Jesus in Christianity also turned water into wine so he’s clearly welcome at any stag party or University fresher’s week for eternity.

Catholicism : Leaving apart the penchant for Catholic Priests to have sex with Alter Boys and Nuns in Catholic Schools to teach sex education – which has to be a contradiction in terms don’t you think? –  It appears Catholics believe that The Virgin Mary gave birth to Jesus. The Virgin Birth. Now, I’m sorry, in my long lost youth I had many occasions to worry about some girl getting pregnant but, if my failing memory serves me still, none of them were virgins.

Had they been, I could have become the father of the new Messiah – and if that isn’t a thought that the world couldn’t have handled then I don’t know what is.

Judaism : Interesting thing is Judaism. Apparently there are people known as ‘Acidic Jews’ which suggests to me that you don’t want them sitting on your face even if they are female, blond and sexy. Given the name your face may melt. Otherwise, Jews tend to wear little hats called ‘skull caps’ and do strange things when they reach puberty. Most of us, males anyway, merely discover the art of masturbation at puberty, but Jews hold Bar Mitzvah’s which is, frankly, bewildering although I’m told, you can get drunk at a Bar Mitzvah so I would attend on those quite reasonable grounds if invited.

They also have a penchant for chopping off some skin from a young boys dick. That has to be a worry if you happen to be a young boy of Jewish persuasion reading this – I recommend you leave home immediately whilst your dick is still intact.

Christian Scientists : Their beliefs are, apparently, metaphysical. As I have no idea what that means I will say no more other than they are clearly demented.

Buddhism : This religion is indigenous to the Indian sub-continent and encompasses a variety of traditions, beliefs and practices largely based on teachings attributed to Siddhartha Guatama, who is commonly known as the Buddha, meaning “the awakened one”. Now, with my only nominal experience of ‘Buddhism’, ‘Buddha’ as shown in pictures and garden ornaments seems to be a very fat bloke sitting down. Given this invaluable information by my own eyesight it is quite conceivable that I am ‘Bhudda’. If so you can donate millions of pounds to my bank account – details will be given when you e-mail me at ‘IamBuddha.AOL.co.uk’ – I will be most appreciative and ‘Buddhism’ with me at the helm will thrive.

Well, actually, if I’m honest, it won’t. I’ll bugger off to The Maldives and live in luxury whilst my followers say “Where the fuck did he go with all our money then?”

Moonies : Moonie is a pejorative term (now you never expected me to use words like that did you?) – Sun Myung Moon was the chap who started this religion. He was always clearly mad as a hatter as are all the Moonies. I’m uncertain what light I can shed on The Moonies as we all know they bark at the moon? – ‘Bark at the moon? – ‘Moonies’ – I’m good aren’t I? No? Sorry – I’ll get my coat.

On occasion they have these bizarre marriage ceremonies where men and women marry as selected by Sun Myung Moon. Now I’m sorry. How can anyone fall for this? I do understand that if you are selected to marry Jennifer Aniston you might ‘go with the flow’ but what if you are selected to marry Joan Jett? Sexy perhaps but you aren’t a woman so, frankly, you’re screwed – well, actually you are anything but screwed when you think about it.

Islam : Now I thought, given my supposed penchant for ‘Muslim bashing’, that I’d better lose this in the middle somewhere so here we are – in the middle. Now Islam is particularly curious to me. Some followers live peaceful lives following the thoughts and writings of The Prophet Mohammed and preying to Allah (peace be upon him) – or is that Mohammed (peace be upon him) ? – no idea but I’ll settle for ‘peace be upon him’ for both – I like to hedge my bets.

Muslims are a very large contingent of the world and growing as I write. Most are peaceful people as are we but some seem to like flying aeroplanes into sky scrapers in New York and blowing up buses and tube trains in London. Islam is, frankly, more of a mystery to me than any other religion. I understand that people can have ‘faith’ but precisely how some can translate ‘faith’ into blowing up innocents and cutting their heads off is completely beyond me.

I’ll say no more before I’m accused of liking ‘tea’ too much 😉

Jehovah’s Witnesses : Now the first question has to be ‘What has he done to require a witness?’ These buggers knock on your door and try to get you to join their religion. I got so fed up of them back in 1997 that after they rang my door bell for the millionth time in a year and I looked out of the window – after emerging from my shower – I went down stairs, took a French Epee bayonet off my wall (I’m into antique arms and militaria – a French Epee bayonet is very long rather like a sword) – opened the front door stark naked and dripping wet, waved my bayonet – the French Epee one I hasten to add – at the two ladies on my door step and said “YES? CAN I HELP YOU?”

Suffice to say, Jehovah’s Witnesses have never darkened my door step again.

 Zarathrutianism : I can’t find this on ‘GOOGLE’ so I’ve probably spelt it wrong. I’m sure there is a religion called this – or something like it – but WTF? Forget it eh?

Jedi Knights : Star Wars!! The Wookie!!! The Teddy Bear things!!! Han Solo!!! – Now look. I don’t make religions up – unless I create ‘The Norman Rampart Religion Of Not Being Terminally Insane Even If You Are’ – but there is now a formal religion of ‘Jedi Knights’ – at least there is in Great Britain. A couple of ‘National Censuses’ ago so many people put ‘Jedi Knight’ as their religion that ‘the powers that be’ had to acknowledge ‘Jedi Knight’ as a true religion in Great Britain.

God / Yoda help us eh?

Hinduism : Hinduism has 15 main beliefs. Now I’m sorry. Don’t take the piss. 15??? I will edit or this contribution to MMA may go on forever. They have ‘The Meaning Of Life’ which is reminiscent of a book by that ‘Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy’ chap. ‘Karma’ which may be related to the ’80’s band Culture Club’ but probably isn’t. ‘All life is sacred’ which is pretty cool really unless the life in question is one you’ve just caught shagging your wife/husband I suppose?

15 Hinduism? Get a life!!!

Sikhism : Grow your hair long, wear a turban, carry a ceremonial dagger and be exempt from wearing a crash helmet on your motor bike – not entirely all of Sikhism but it’ll do.

Look.  You pays your money and you takes your chance eh?

We will finish with this – and my profuse apologies if I’ve missed YOUR religion but, frankly, DILLIGAF?

Scientology : Oh BOY! L. Ron Hubbard wrote a few science fiction books and an extraordinary number of people bought in. “Hello Tom and John et al – they were science fiction books” –  I suspect convincing Tom Cruise and John Travolta that they are following a ‘religion’ based purely on books that are ‘science fiction’ would get you precisely nowhere. They are hooked and they are convinced. Idiots.

Many many many many years ago a book appeared called ‘The Bible’. Well, in fairness, it possibly wasn’t exactly ‘a book’ back then. I’m uncertain whether they actually had ‘paper’ back then – I rather hope they did or going to the toilet must have been bloody awful really.

In ‘The Bible’ it is written that there was a ‘GREAT FLOOD’ that drowned evil from the world. Noah was asked to build an ARK on which he would save all the good creatures. 2 Giraffes, 2 Lions, 2 Sheep, 2 Dogs, 2 Cats, 2 Goats, 2 Camels, 2 Kangaroos etc et al.

What precisely, and I mean this quite seriously, IS an evil Giraffe?

“I will arise early and eat all the leaves so there will be no more leaves for the other Giraffes!” – makes sense if you’ve quaffed a dozen Buds I suppose?

I’m sorry Christians but I have some difficulty accepting the concept of an ‘evil Giraffe’.

Besides, what about the ducks eh? Tell me that! What about the ducks???

“Up you come” says Noah

“Why?” ask the 2 ducks

“Well, there’s going to be huge fuck off flood!” says Noah

“So?” say the ducks, “we swam down there now we’ll swim up there”

On the logic of The Bible the world is now ruled by ‘evil ducks’

– and let’s not forget the fish eh?

If there is a ‘huge fuck off flood’ precisely how would that affect a Haddock?

The world is now ruled by ‘evil Haddock’. Fair enough. The Bible is clearly true.

Religion eh?

What a load of bollocks. Evil Haddock? Don’t make me laugh. Well if you do I’ll try to make it a good evil laugh like an old James Bond villain or something. Much more fun really.

Er – Tony Blair? Richard Nixon? George Bush(es), Saddam Insane?, ‘Kernel’ Gaddafi? Ayatollha Whoever?

The fish have much to answer for!!!

If you are flat broke and need money urgently start a religion.

It worked for the above maybe it’ll work for you eh?

God – or the deity of your choice – Save The Queen.

Now. What was I trying to say again?

Zarathrustianism – Zarathust – Zarathris – Zara – oh for Fishe’s Sake!!! It’s something like that!!!

 

About Post Author

Neil Bamforth

I am English first, British second and never ever European. I have supported Oldham Athletic FC for 50 years which has made me immune from depression. My taste buds have died due to too many red hot curries so I drink Kronenburg beer and milk - sometimes in the same glass. I have a wife, daughter, 9 cats and I like toast.
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10 years ago

The Earth’s water supply is a closed loop system. In fact, every bottle of Poland Springs you drink – is dinosaur piss. There is no extra water. Rain comes from evaporated water already on earth – the oceans. You run into all kinds of pH issues, and stuff. In order for sufficient evaporation to take place, to store the water in the atmosphere, the oceans would have to become excessively basic, killing all sea life. After the flood, rain water would be reintroduced to the oceans, but said water, after passing through the atmosphere, would now be acidic, again changing the oceanic pH. And even in a 40 day long deluge, you would not build up enough water, on land, to sail a sea-going vessel. Floods are floods, and in some cases small watercraft can be employed in flood areas, but not cruise ships. You couldn’t sail the Norwegian Majesty down Main st.
One more thing, then I’ll leave you alone. Sorry, I just can’t stop. Here’s the ark, on dry land and it starts raining. Now an equal amount of rainwater is falling on the ark, as is falling everywhere else. The ark isn’t going to just bob to the surface like a cork. The lumber out of which it was constructed would become saturated with water, all the animals would drown, long before the thing ever rose up above the waterline – assuming it even could.

Reply to  BitcoDavid
10 years ago

So if I stop drinking voddy and go all healthy with water I’m drinking dinosaur piss?

It is now entirely your fault that I am getting drunk again. So there. 😉

10 years ago

Of all the Bible’s ridiculous stories, the one that sticks in my throat the most, is Noah.
1) How did Noah know the male ants from the female ants?
2) According to the specs cited in the Bible, the ark would have been a wooden ship, 13 feet longer than Titanic. The sheer weight alone would have made it unnavigable. Furthermore, the ratio of upper deck to keel would have made it so top heavy, as to guarantee its capsize.
3) How did Noah get to the North pole to rescue those two polar bears?
4) What kept the 2 tigers from eating the 2 gazelles? For that matter, how did Noah feed those 10s of thousands of animals for 40 days?
5) How did Noah deal with all that fecal matter?
6) How did Noah get the paramecia, the amoeba and all the other microscopic “animals”?
7) Even on a grossly over-sized wooden ship like the ark, how did Noah fit 2 of EVERY species of animal on that boat? The damn thing must have looked like Amistad, inside.
8) Noah was 600 years old. He and his two sons built the ark. Now a ship that size, built out of modern materials in a modern manufacturing facility – like General Dynamics Electric Boat, New London Ct. – would take over a year to complete. How did a 600 year old guy with 2, 300 year old sons, build the thing with an adze, in just over a month?
9) How did Noah get all that lumber? He lived in the desert.
Just a few of my many issues with old Noah.

Jess
Reply to  BitcoDavid
10 years ago

Ooooh you pagan heathen blasphemer BD. DUH, Lawd hammercy told him about everything and since he is all mysterious it was like Jean Luc Picard saying Make it so and it was made so, then the Doctor came, whisked them to a new point in time, brought back all the woods from all the earth trees from forever in history’s timeline and so on also too. It is known. Do I have to learn you everything sheesh 😉

Reply to  BitcoDavid
10 years ago

Yeah but it is quite fun in a way eh?

Marsha Woerner
10 years ago

Norman, if there are any Jewish boys reading this, then they probably already had their wieners whacked. Although it isn’t done as early as the standard American wiener whacking at birth, the standard Jewish wiener way is on the eighth day of his life, that is when he’s a week old. Most of them don’t read that young 🙂
And for the Hasids, you’re talking about a good part of my father’s family, there :-). Don’t worry, I agree that they’re total lunatics. Heck, a lot of them believed (really, they did) that there head Rabbi, they called him a Rebbe, was the Messiah. Yes, lunatics…

Reply to  Marsha Woerner
10 years ago

I have quite a few Jewish friends – and, oddly for the world we live in, they happily socialise with my Muslim friends. I flatter myself that it’s because I’m there and they’re all my friends.

I suspect, in reality, it’s because they aren’t lunatics.

Some are, some are not.

Only the “are not’s” come to my summer BBQ’s. Only nutter there is the chef 😉

10 years ago

Bill, did you mention my name? Would you like spaghetti and meatballs for supper? Make sure you wear your pirate outfit.

Reply to  RickRay
10 years ago

Now that sounds like an interesting evening – can I come if I wear my Homer Simpson latex head?

Jess
Reply to  RickRay
10 years ago

Hey, I have a pirate wench costume can I come over too, what’s the password? You have to have some kind of meatless meatballs for me, or I can bring them since it will only be me eating them probably.

Reply to  Jess
10 years ago

Jess!!!??? I was about to go to bed and I have to read this???

Good grief young lady!!! How can I ever get to sleep now???

😉

Nitey nite

Bill Formby
10 years ago

Norman, you missed the one about the flying spaghetti monster. You know, its the one where the dude with the spaghetti strainer on his head worships.

Evil Haddocks. So that’s what’s wrong with the world.

Reply to  Bill Formby
10 years ago

Actually I am ashamed. I forgot Pilot Fish. You know – the weird ones with those lights on their heads in the deep sea.

Oh well, there’s always time for another flood eh? 😉

Jess
Reply to  Norman Rampart
10 years ago

EXACTLY what kind of vodka are you drinking coz I want some to see these fish. It’s either that or you have recently watched Bill Murray in The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou.

Reply to  Jess
10 years ago

Well, they’re called ‘Pilot Fish’ cause they live very deep and something in their ‘make up’ allows them to have sort of head lights to see where they are going – David Attenborough would know better than me.

I suppose ‘evil Pilot Fish’ could swim towards you as a duo so you’d think a Cadillac was heading at you underwater.

Now THAT would be something eh??

“Arrrrrgh! It’s a car about to run us over!!!….oh…it’s just those bloody Pilot Fish again” 😉

Jess
10 years ago

You win all the internets just for the picture on this article. TL:DR** the rest of it, because my heart had all the feelings about the picture.

**Too long didn’t read in case you don’t know what the term is 🙂

Reply to  Jess
10 years ago

I have driving students with poor attention spans too 😉

Jess
Reply to  Norman Rampart
10 years ago

Nah, not short attention span. I get bored trying to get my mad up anymore about idiots that follow any religion. I can do it, but not here. You people are my lifeline to sanity. Yeah I know what you are thinking, Jess the bar is set awfully low if this is in fact the case. How, I have no idea but there it is. It may be the weed I just scored too, so there is that 🙂

Reply to  Jess
10 years ago

Your ‘bar’ will never be lower than mine Jess – well mine is already on the floor so I suppose you could dig a hole? 😉

You are clearly a smashing lady and I’m proud to have you as a friend. I love you’re forthrightness and you ‘saying what you think’

I do that too – except, unlike you, I often forget to think 😉

I sincerely hope you will not be upset if I say I actually read ‘n’ instead of ‘d’ initially……oops 😉

Have a great weekend! x

Rachael
10 years ago

That whole guy rises from the dead nonsense is just that religious nonsense. Amazing that there are billions of people who believe this crap but don’t believe in global warming.

Reply to  Rachael
10 years ago

I believe in global warming. We actually had a summer that included sunshine in England!!! Something’s causing it that’s for sure!!

Jess
Reply to  Rachael
10 years ago

I forgot to reply to you last night Rachael. I totally agree with you but these poor poor put upon people that believe this have been fed since birth that Zombie Jesus takes care of everything and they like that approach. I keep saying I am going to start a new religion to fleece the rube…oops sorry… spread the gospel. I think we will worship reusable shoe trees** in my new church. Pastor Joe has his church, I will now start working on mine and we will have all bases covered.

* This could change at any minute, depending on how high I happen to be and what I am finding makes me happy at any given moment. right now it’s storing small things behind the pantry door in a hanging canvas shoe tree, since I got rid of some containers on my kitchen counter to entirely de clutter it.

Admin
10 years ago

Evil giraffe! LOL LOL! Good job Norman!

Reply to  Professor Mike
10 years ago

Bastard ate all the leaves! No breakie for the others…Send another flood God! You missed him last time! 😉

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