A Tourist’s Fear of American Guns

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I’ve never been to America you know. Seriously I haven’t – I think you’d probably remember if I had.  I would very much like to but it’s very much a question of staying alive really. Clearly millions and millions of tourists come from various European countries to America and, having had a thoroughly good holiday, come home again. I’m not aware of any European tourists being shot, let alone shot dead, in America.

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Mind you, I probably wouldn’t really notice unless they were British. Oh come on! There’s more than enough Germans anyway! (That is a joke by the way – probably)

I’ve spent many many months trying to convince my wife that I want ‘to see America’ but the only response I ever get is ‘There’s an atlas in that cupboard’.

It’s all about perception really. Whilst literally millions of tourists enjoy the joys of New York and L.A. and Florida there are so many more that genuinely yearn to see the country that gave them ‘Hill Street Blues’ and ‘NYPD Blue’ and, one of our favourites of late NCIS (don’t you just ADORE Abby??), but, there’s always a ‘but’ isn’t there? Guns.

Whilst I am convinced of my own immortality my wife is equally convinced that, should she finally give in and join me in my desire to see America she would be shot.

“They all have guns!” she states plaintively and possibly accurately.

“Yes dear but they don’t want to shoot you!” I explain equally plaintively and possibly accurately.

Now America’s tourist industry is worth billions and squillions of dollars and will continue to be worth billions and squillions of dollars but – there’s that ‘but’ again’ – it could be worth even more and more and more. Kazillions or something I suppose.

Somewhat bizarrely, given her insistence that some mad American will shoot her, my wife, should she ever concede defeat and join me in visiting America, wants to ‘ride the range’ – she’s always had a thing about John Wayne. I don’t mind that in the slightest as he’s dead. I have even agreed to go to Arizona or wherever it is that range riding occurs – providing I can sit at a safe distance in the bar and just watch.

So there you have it America.

Your tourist industry is pumping zillions (and yes I am making up these dollar amounts) into your economy but, frankly, if you weren’t all running about trying to shoot everybody as is perceived by some then you would make enough from tourism from Britain alone to wipe out your international debt! (Have you got an international debt? – well if you haven’t it would wipe out some debt or other anyway and if you have it would wipe that out)

Now I know Charlton Heston might be slightly miffed about my thoughts – assuming he’s still alive. Is he? I’ve forgotten who’s died lately – but, to use an oft quoted Americanism – the bottom line is this.

You will continue to earn ziggasquillions (I like that one) of dollars from tourism from Europe along with a couple of dollars from England regardless of playing ‘bang bang’ at worryingly regular intervals but, if you would please refrain from allowing toddlers to shoot their grand fathers and siblings (quite how a toddler has the strength to hold a gun is beyond me – must be all those Big Macs or something) – then you would quickly convert those ziggasquillions into megaziggasquillions by the simple expedient of stopping every Tom, Dick and Harry having a gun.

Well, perhaps Tom and Dick but, lets face it, Harry is a bit weird eh?

Now I realise that my ramblings can be somewhat ‘tongue in cheek’ at times and I suppose this particular rambling is – although that is infinitely preferable to a gun in your cheek – but the fact remains and will continue to remain until there are more Americans dying in various wars across the globe than in America itself from guns that a large number of potential tourists are thinking ‘I won’t get shot in Benidorm’.

They are quite right too. They will probably get mugged or robbed in some way but as sure as eggs are eggs they won’t get shot.

I have a personal request. Please stop everyone having guns so I can achieve my ambition. I want to start at the top bit (Michigan?), hire a car and drive down to the bottom bit (Florida?). The fact that I might have to con a horse into letting me sit on the bloody thing somewhere around Arizona to keep the wife happy will be a price I’m prepared to pay.

I do understand. In an ideal world only the military and police would have guns to protect us but, sadly, the bad guys have guns too. The street gangs and criminals and so forth so why shouldn’t the ordinary citizen have a gun?

Well, in my simple mind I wonder whether such a strong democracy as America couldn’t ‘pull in’ any and every criminal and street gang member etc, disarm them and advise them that if they re-arm they’ll be shot on sight. Not exactly ‘justice’ as we know it perhaps and a bit ‘Judge Dreddy’ I suppose but I bet it wouldn’t half make them think twice.

Let’s face it America. Right now you are a Western democracy being held to ransom by Charlton Heston, assuming he is still alive, and that can’t be a good thing can it?

Millions of tourists want to come on over – like me – but their wives are convinced they’ll be shot.

So, what are you gonna do about it then?

(By the same token, if you do nothing then I can’t get over there so perhaps my argument’s just imploded)….

Save American lives in America. Ban Guns.

So simple it almost hurts.

About Post Author

Neil Bamforth

I am English first, British second and never ever European. I have supported Oldham Athletic FC for 50 years which has made me immune from depression. My taste buds have died due to too many red hot curries so I drink Kronenburg beer and milk - sometimes in the same glass. I have a wife, daughter, 9 cats and I like toast.
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Bill Formby
9 years ago

Norman, we do have too many guns, but it really depends on where you go and where you stay. Generally speaking, it is not like there is blood running down every street. As Marsha indicated some people can go their entire life and never even see a gun unless it is on a police officer in uniform. Yes we do have a lot of shootings and they seem to all make the national news, but keep in mind that we are a very large country and very populous in some areas. When you make your trip I suggest you start in New England and go south to Florida and then out west to Arizona or maybe just to Colorado (they have legal weed there). What you will see is a wide diversity of people. Much more so that you might see in England. When you start hitting what we call the South which technically is Virginia but for the real South is more likely North Carolina you may then see long guns hanging in the back windows of trucks. Do not worry about them as they are only hunting weapons and decorations. Just stay on the main roads and you will be OK. When you hit Florida you will see a dramatic change after you go through the Panhandle area all the way to Miami. Fewer guns and more tourists and old people. Be sure to see Disney World and Epcot Center while you are there.
Then on your next leg go back up Florida on the Gulf of Mexico side and it is all about beaches all the way to Alabama. That pretty well keeps you away from guns until you hit Louisiana (be sure to stop in New Orleans. Then you can either go to gun heaven, aka Texas, or go North toward Colorado and do you horse riding there. From there to Vegas to Hollywood and then A plane ride home if you can afford it. 🙂

Reply to  Bill Formby
9 years ago

My itinerary is now in place!!! Just got to convince the wifey. Working on it!

9 years ago

Norman,
I hear that, in response to your plight, the NRA has launched a new initiative. All “whites,” especially those of pure Anglo-Saxon descent, will, upon arrival, be issued three loaner guns.
1. .38 Special – the Saturday Night Special of legend. This is mostly a nostalgia item, because, when compared to alternatives, it’s not that effective, but it makes an excellent purse accessory for “the little woman”;
2. GLOCK 21 – Which, according to the Glock website is “an American icon.” They go on to say, “The “big bore” .45 caliber belongs to the United States like stars and stripes. Americans have always had a very special relationship with this timeless caliber. The GLOCK 21 gives you everything you would expect of a ..45 pistol.” Indeed, we DO have a long love affair with the .45 caliber. You may recall the legendary Colt .45–one of many guns that helped subjugate native populations in the west. The Glock will be supplied with 4 extra capacity, quick change clips.
3. A Bushmaster M4-A2 assault rifle complete with 10 30-round clips. http://www.bushmaster.com/firearms/xm-15.asp. This is the weapon of choice for all fast food consumers in Texas, and you’d fairly feel naked without one.

Our “guests” will also receive 3 100-round boxes of .38 caliber ammo for the Saturday Night Special (anticipating the “little woman” won’t be doing a lot of shooting); 10 100-round boxes of .45 caliber ammo for the Glock (it’s semi-auto after all); and, 6 1000-round cases of ammo for the Bushmaster…enough to fill the clips 18 times with a bit leftover. Given the performance of the Bushmaster, you’ll need to use this ammo sparingly.

And, in our time-honored traditions, you won’t need ID or a background check to qualify.

As is also true with US citizens, people of color, or any damned Islamo-terrorists, need not apply. If you have any questions about your race, ethnicity, or religious affiliation, your friendly NRA concierge will guide you.

Safe travels my friend…and welcome to the good ol’ US of A.

Reply to  Jim Moore
9 years ago

Slightly alarmingly I’ve heard Britain is considered ‘an unfriendly country’ to US immigration due to the number of Islamists currently stalking our streets.

Even if that wasn’t the case the idea that anyone with even the vaguest modicum of sense would give me a gun absolutely terrifies me – I tried archery on a short holiday this week and, whilst aiming for the target, accidentally shot a passing pigeon.

Oh dear. It’s hopeless…

Marsha Woerner
9 years ago

Norman, I have lived in America almost my entire life (I WAS in Israel for a year, but that’s a whole ‘nother story. But that was an absolutely fabulous year almost 40 years ago. Sigh.) I have actually seen guns in only 2 kinds of situations:
1: When I was in grade school (3rd grade maybe?), my class took a field trip to the police station, and we saw guns.
2: Our police officers are armed, and occasionally I have seen a police officer on the street or in a shopping mall or festival, and that police officer had a gun.
I’m not even convinced that I’ve ever seen a gun shot! I even lived in Chicago proper for many years, and I still didn’t run into guns! I went to college on the south side of Chicago (the south side is the less civil section), and again, the only guns that I saw were on police officers. America has a very bad reputation about guns, to a great extent deservedly so, but it doesn’t mean that gun violence is rampant on the streets! MOST people have no experience with gun violence in their lives, here. But I do understand the fear. Yes, for the most part, it is unfounded. But it definitely is understandable! But it’s not true that all Americans have guns: there are none in my immediate family, and of my four siblings, one definitely does (he worked with the militia), and one probably does (much as I hate to say it, she’s a right wing nut job 🙁 . She has no need for a gun, but like many, she feels that she has “something to say” by owning one). I’m fairly certain that none of my good friends have guns, and the people that I know with guns treat them appropriately – that is, they don’t flash them around and treat them as anything other than what they are. They are tools, not unlike circular saws in some sense. My baby sister’s father-in-law cut off all of his fingers with a circular saw. No, it didn’t KILL him, but he clearly wasn’t as responsible with it as should have been. He’s bipolar, and he knows better than to own a gun. He’s right wing nut job, too, but he actually does have SOME common sense. But I’m getting distracted and off point. The point is that we don’t have random gun violence and killings on the streets!

I would love it if you and your wife both come 🙂 ! She is letting her fear control too much of her life and too many of her decisions!

Now for my year in Israel: I spent my junior year of high school with a group of American students on a kibbutz. Our program included several road trips. And each one provided with a member of the military carry a loaded Uzi (for our protection 🙂 ) It was the same guy on each of our hikes, and he was sort of incompetent. He dropped his Uzi more than once on each of our trips. On the other hand, I am sure that if there had been any danger, he would’ve been right there! Chaperoning a bunch of teenage mostly girls has got to have felt more than a little degrading.

Reply to  Marsha Woerner
9 years ago

I know! It’s just convincing the wifey!!! She’s seen too many gangsters movies if you ask me 😉

9 years ago

Norman, when I stop snorting with laughter, I’ll continue….

There, that’s better. Almost under control While you were being a bit facetious, you might have hot upon an excellent idea. If there’s one thing Americans like more than their guns, it’s money. If you convince enough of them that it’s taking cash from their pockets, perhaps something might be done about the gun violence.

Sadly, nothing will stop criminals from having guns. Ask yourself, how many criminals in the UK can get guns? I’ll help you here. Any of them that want one. It’s the same in Brazil and every other place I know. I’m not at all confident that we can keep guns away from the crazies, even teen-agers.

We actually have plenty of gun laws. Nearly all of them have proven to be either unenforced or ineffective. As I said elsewhere, the problem is far deeper than the guns. In Israel, for example, nearly every adult has a military weapon and ammunition they keep in their home. When was the last time you heard of one of them going bonkers and shooting up a shopping mall?

Reply to  James Smith
9 years ago

I do have a working flintlock pistol dated from around the time of Dick Turpin but I don’t think that really counts 😉

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