Stand Your ‘Playground’ Law Pending in Florida

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At a recent press conference, Florida Governor Rick Scott announced that he would sign the so-called “Stand Your Playground” law, which gives the right of bullied children to defend themselves with deadly force.

StandYourPlayground

“Children are frequently at the mercy of playground bullies, and the most vulnerable are those children least able to defend themselves. This bill will level the playing field. Now children won’t have to fear having their lunch money stolen,” he said.

NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre praised this action, now pending in the Florida legislature, saying, “Sometimes the only way to stop a bad kid is a good kid with a gun”. Similar praise came from a spokesman for Keystone Sporting Arms, LLC of Pennsylvania, manufacturers of the Crickett .22-caliber children’s rifle, marketed with the slogan, “My First Rifle”. “Any schoolyard bully will think twice before pushing around a smaller kid who’s packing a Crickett.” he said, choosing to remain anonymous. “In fact, we’re thinking of adding child-sized handguns to our line of products.” Keystone’s attorney of record, John Renzulli, did not respond to requests for comment. Meanwhile, companies like Mighty Mojo and Hardwire, makers of bulletproof backpacks, desktops and school whiteboards, have joined Keystone in lobbying for passage of the law.

Georgia governor Nathan Deal, who signed the Safe Carry Protection Act, also known as the “Guns Everywhere” law that went into effect on July first, said that his state was ready to enact similar legislation, which would include the right to carry weapons into kindergartens, day care centers, McDonald’s® PlayPlaces™ and Chuck E. Cheese’s® restaurants (which would be adding live ammunition firing ranges to their first-person shooter games in the arcades).

Oklahoma governor Mary Fallin announced a law she referred to as “OKK”, standing for “Open Karry Kindergarten”, saying that it’s “…never too early to instill the proper appreciation for guns…” in the nation’s children. Texas US Representative Louis Gohmert (R-Dumbfuckistan-1) has proposed sponsoring a nationwide bill he is calling the Treehouse Doctrine”, saying that children had the right to defend their home ground. “Little boys know that just posting a “Gurls Keep Owt” sign isn’t enough to keep the cooties away. To avoid contamination, especially from disease-carrying illegal immigrant children, stronger measures are necessary. Water balloons, snowballs and even Super Soakers just don’t cut it.”

Dan Gross, president of the Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence and a founder of the Center to Prevent Youth Violence, voiced strong objections to these proposed laws, as did Shannon Watts of Moms Demand Action. In a joint statement, they condemned the initiative to arm the nation’s children, saying that “…only further tragedy can ensue.” LaPierre countered by offering a “Guns For Newborns” program to be offered to maternity hospitals nationwide.

About Post Author

E.A. Blair

E.A. Blair is the 'nom de commenter' of someone who has been a teacher, game designer, programmer, logistic support officer and technical writer at various times in his life. Most of the hits in a search on his real name predate the internet; it appears exactly four times in Wikipedia and six times on IMDb.
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E.A. Blair
9 years ago

This post got a link on Mike’s Blog Round Up Over at Crooks & Liars. Thank you for your comments and support, and a special thank you to whoever brought this to MBRU’s attention.

9 years ago

I’m so sorry. I actually thought it was true. Oops. I really really did.

Stupid signing out….

Nah! I twigged it mate….but not nearly straight away! Cracking article!!!!

E.A. Blair
9 years ago

Next: Proctor & Gamble™ announces Pampers® Packers®, a line of disposable diapers with built-in holsters.

Reply to  E.A. Blair
9 years ago

LOL LOL!

Glenn Geist
9 years ago

I had to look to see if it was dated April 1st, but I have to wonder how many suicidal kids have been prompted to go out in a hail of bullets as they reach the teen years because of a history of bullying or ostracism.

There is a real problem we are not dealing with.

9 years ago

It’s really sad and strange, but I actually did find it completely believable.

9 years ago

Good job E.A., you had me going for a minute. Johnathan Swift would have been so proud. Or perhaps that’s a comment on how little faith and trust we have in people like Scott. That one could read through even the first graph of a piece like this, and not see the irony, speaks volumes about how f*cked up our country is becoming. I ache for the days when we would have said, “I don’t believe it.”

9 years ago

I agree, Pennyjane. It’s just wacko enough to be true.

Pennyjane Hanson
9 years ago

what’s not funny is how long it took me to realize i was reading parody.

E.A. Blair
9 years ago

Subscribing to comments.

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