And God Said What to Sarah Palin?

In biblical times, it seemed like God was quite the chatterbox. He told Abraham to sacrifice his son, bade Noah to build a massive ark, and spoke to Moses through a burning bush. Now here we are millennia later, and communications have never been easier. We have cell phones, email, the Internet, skype, face-time, twitter, and dozens of other ways to speak to humanity, and nary a peep from him. I know they say He works in mysterious ways, but is he really so behind the times that he can’t take the time to figure out how to text the faithful? I mean, even my Mother can text, and she can barely master using the DVD player for fuck’s sake!

But here’s the thing- my problem isn’t with the Big G and his reticence to make himself heard- it’s with all the fucking nitwits who are invoking his name and saying that they’ve spoken to him personally.

Remember the good old days when we used to lock up all the nutjobs who claimed to have spoken to God and did horrible acts in his name? Well, things have changed because apparently instead of chucking them away in a padded room somewhere and loading them up on thorazine, now we’re electing them to public office, giving them a voice on the internet, or making them reality television stars. In Sarah Palin’s case, it’s all three.

In case I never mentioned it, I LOATHE Sarah Palin. If I had my way, I’d strip her naked, shove her into a supermax prison full of violent offenders, bound and gagged with a red bow on top of her head that included a note to the inmates that read, “Here’s a party favor for you! Tear it up!” I know for the ladies that may seem cruel and mean, but think of who we’re talking about. I don’t consider Palin a woman or even a human being at this point. If she were ripped apart by a pack of wolves tomorrow, I’d send the wolves a year’s supply of milk bones as a thank you. She’s the ONLY woman I would gleefully punch in the face not feel the slightest bit of guilt.

So you can imagine how infuriated I was when I read that she claimed God ‘spoke’ to her and claimed that ‘He’ wanted President Obama impeached. Really, Sarah?

REALLY?

Are you actually claiming that God took the time to come to you personally and tell you to your lizard-esque face that our duly, twice-elected President must be impeached? And you couldn’t be bothered to take a selfie with him as proof? Not only that- we’re just supposed to take your word for it? What- you couldn’t get an affidavit? Any documentation whatsoever? Come on- even the devil has you sign a contract when you sell your soul, for crying out loud. Hell, (no pun intended) you should know that- I bet you still have your copy from when you sold YOURS, you dumb bitch!

Which is exactly my point- for every jerk that claims they ‘spoke’ to God, they never have one shred of proof to back it up! I’ve said it before- I’m all for people having faith, but there has to be a limit to what you’re willing to believe. For the people who take this kind of shit seriously, I can only say this- with stupidity like that, you deserve whatever happens to you. For instance, in the 1978 classic film, OH GOD! John Denver was hand-picked to be God’s messenger on Earth, only to be ridiculed at every turn. But at least God did him a solid and made an appearance to prove his existence. That’s also why I have an aversion to taking the bible as literal fact. I mean, who was there to document the book of Genesis, anyway? Funny how nobody ever mentions that.

I read another article about a girl named Julianna Battenfield who says that God wanted her to attend law school without having to lay out her own tuition money or apply for any financial aid. She said that God would ‘provide for her’ so she could ‘help the world.’ So you know what she did? She started her own kickstarter account so people could donate money for her education. I guess God dropping two hundred grand on her doorstep to pay for college was a bit too much to pray for.  She couldn’t do it the old-fashioned way and hit the stripper pole like every other girl who wants a decent education? Or maybe a better alternative would have been to find a sugar daddy. At least she wouldn’t have to put out except for the occasional ‘thank you’ blow job. It’s only fair!

I truly wish this country could grow a collective brain and flush religion down the toilet where it belongs. We should have evolved past this after the Dark Ages. Even a chimp looks at the bible and thinks it’s something he could wipe his ass with. I don’t deny the existence of God, but then I’m not a sucker, either. If and when he ever shows up and lays down the law, I’ll be more than happy to listen.

Until that day comes though, I’ll just wait for my trip to Heaven so I can look him in the face and ask him one question: “Dude…. WHAT THE FUCK?”

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