Aspirin Between My Legs and Daddy’s Radio

by Jeffrey Zaiser:

A while back, there was this man named Foster Friess, like the swirly cone place, that’s how I remember. He came on daddy’s radio telling women to keep aspirin between their knees, so’s not to get, well, you know. Daddy got the biggest kick out of that and he’s been pulling into the service station in town more often, even when we don’t need no gas.


His old truck was just about on its last legs but I don’t much care for the new mechanic on duty; a tattooed ex-con, all pumped up from being in prison they say. Heard he violated some women over in Walner County so bad they were afraid to testify against him. He did some time for lesser charges, but not for the brutal rapes, they say he’d done. But he got a way with old trucks past their prime, and you could say, he got a way with old towns past their prime, especially, when folks care more about good truck service, than most anything else.

First time daddy and me pulled in, with him newly  suited in “Mac’s service” overalls, he been giving me the evil eye. Staring at me like I was naked; doing the most disgusting things with his tongue, while daddy be looking for automotive redemption, down in all that smoke and steam coming out from under the hood. No way, could I keep aspirin down there, if he came up on me; no matter how much I screamed; fought off his groping, greasy blackened hands; the weight of his sweaty body forcing itself upon me.

Told daddy ’bout him once; how so not right he made me feel. Daddy said “he’s the only guy for fifty miles have any idea how to keep my piece a shit running. I ain’t got no money, honey and he ain’t been charging me, except for parts. Now best you shut your mouth little Missy; you ain’t no Jezebel and he ain’t brought none of that trouble from Walner County, since he been out of prison.”

There was another man, I recall, hearing on daddy’s radio back then: Todd Akin.  He said, if a man had done such a thing; beating a girl half senseless to do it; her blessed body would know it was being “legitimately” raped; not regular ole’ rape. But, oh God; now I’m all turned around, because if Mr. Akin’s right, and I were to be “legitimately” raped, my body would abort my own child. Daddy’s radio alway’s preaching how life begins, right when a man and a woman lie down together; and it don’t matter, if she don’t wanna be down there, doing such a thing. Getting in the way of populating the earth is the ultimate sin, not the conditions of conception.

So I pray to god, everyday; should that mechanic do what he done, back in Walner County, that I be blessed with regular ole’ rape; not the kind Mr. Akin’s talkin’ ’bout. When I recover, if I recover, I’ll have my rapist’s bastard baby, and know I’m fulfilling god’s plan for man’s dominion over the earth. Oh, daddy’s gonna’ knock me around…call me a slut and a whore…fly into a rage and trash my room, when I never tell him who the baby daddy is. The only guy for fifty miles have any idea how to keep his piece a shit running.…


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Posted by on July 6, 2014. Filed under COMMENTARY/OPINION. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
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7 Responses to Aspirin Between My Legs and Daddy’s Radio

  1. Rachael

    July 6, 2014 at 7:49 am

    A very impressive read Mr. Zaiser. I hope you write some more.

  2. Timmy Mahoney

    July 6, 2014 at 8:07 am

    This is different and I love it. A unique approach to a serious problem in America. Thanks Jeffrey. This is really good man.

  3. Anonymous

    July 6, 2014 at 8:16 am

    Maybe that guy didnt know squat about aspirins but he knew Jesus was our Lord and guide and wimmin could know that and be saved.

    • Eric Cardette

      July 6, 2014 at 9:00 pm

      Get the fuck out of here dipstick and take that fucking jesus with you.

  4. Paul Gallagher

    July 6, 2014 at 8:35 am

    I loved reading this. It was like reading a short story set somewhere in the Missouri backwoods. It wasn’t too long or short but just right, without a lot of clutter. Fine ending as well. Just fine.

  5. Lyndon Probus

    July 6, 2014 at 11:03 am

    Very well done indeed. The author wasn’t overwhelmed by his prose but writes with a clear sense of morality that shines through the passionate verbiage. Yes. Very nice sir.

  6. Dave Wren

    July 6, 2014 at 8:53 pm

    I really enjoyed reading this Jeffrey. It was a really different approach and I like that.