Why I Hate Atheists

atheism-earthI’ve read a number of things about atheists that don’t make them sound like very nice people. It’s well known that American voters are more likely to vote for a Muslim candidate than an atheist.

If an employer has a choice between hiring a gay or an atheist candidate, the gay person will get the job. And it’s common knowledge that without a belief in the Bible or a deity who will punish misdeeds that atheists have no moral compass to keep them from becoming depraved perverts and criminals, and that because of their own “religion” – science and evolution – they consider themselves no better than animals.

That said, I really hate atheists because they keep intruding on my life.

Every Saturday morning, I can count on answering my doorbell to find a couple of atheists on my porch. They’ve ignored my “No Soliciting” sign and they’re dressed in fancy suits, as if to prove that they are richer and better than I am. They’re holding copies of their not-holy works – The God DelusionWhy Evolution Is True and DVD copies of Bill Maher’s Religulous. The want to lecture me about their nonbelief and would talk for hours if I didn’t slam the door in their faces. When I figure it’s safe to go out, in front of my door I find a pile of those hateful little atheist comic books based on the writings of people like Richard Dawkins, P.Z. Meyers, Jerry Coyne and Greta Christina.

Then on Sundays, I can’t sleep in because the atheist meeting hall in the next block rings its bells to summon the unfaithful to their gatherings. Why do they have to be so noisy? I just want to be able to get a few extra hours of shut-eye at least one day a week. I really resent all the tax breaks nontheist groups take advantage of, and how they use the money to buy political favoritism from greedy politicians . A bunch of flippin’ hypocrites, if you ask me.

And now the Supreme Court has ruled that atheist employers can force their female employees to use birth control, have abortions and receive the same pay as their male co-workers. They just don’t seem to get the idea that women are inferior creations and not entitled to equality. The nest thing you know, atheists will be insisting that everybody get divorced so they can marry same-sex partners and require teaching evolution and climate change as facts.

There’s the picketing at military funerals by free thinkers, which pisses me off as much as anything I’ve mentioned so far. Just who do these people think they are and why do they hate our country so much? I figure they probably hate it because God made America the great place it is and that’s intolerable to them.

It’s not just weekends that are a problem. On any given day when I go downtown, there never fails to be a street corner with some atheist shouting nonbeliever nonsense into a megaphone. Where do they get off telling me I’m not going to hell, that I should enjoy the only life I have, love whomever I want and to be nice to other people, not out of fear, but because it’s the right thing to do?

That’s why I hate atheists – they’re just too damned pushy for their own good (and good is something they don’t have), always telling me what not to believe. Yeah, I wish all those people would just shut up and go away.

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Posted by on July 6, 2014. Filed under COMMENTARY/OPINION. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
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22 Responses to Why I Hate Atheists

  1. E.A. Blair

    July 6, 2014 at 12:56 am

    Subscribing to comments.

  2. Linh

    July 6, 2014 at 1:41 am

    I get that this is supposed to be a satire, but damned if I don’t find militant atheists annoying. Yes, I understand that you don’t believe, but that shouldn’t be the conversation opener, it shouldn’t be the only interesting aspect of your personality.

    In fact, shouldn’t the nature of being atheist mean that it is the least relevant thing about your life?

    • James Smith

      July 6, 2014 at 6:55 am

      No, you don’t get it at all. Your statements about how atheists behave are unfounded assumptions to fit your chosen beliefs, not reality.

      THe least relevant thing about your life is truth.

    • Michael John Scott

      July 6, 2014 at 7:58 am

      I don’t see militancy by any means Linh, although you bring up an interesting point about “being atheist mean that it is the least relevant thing about your life.”

    • Joe

      July 6, 2014 at 9:48 am

      So people talking about atheism are militant atheists? That’s a pretty low bar.

      • Anonandon

        July 6, 2014 at 12:23 pm

        Yes, that is totally what he meant, and totally not you just twisting his words around to misrepresent what he was saying.

        You know, it’s the fedora wearing neckbearded douchebags like you that are the problem with modern atheism. You aren’t actually intelligent enough to hold a conversation about religion and spirituality with, but you think you are, so you act like an arrogant cunt.

        • Herpy McDerp

          July 7, 2014 at 3:40 am

          “Fedora wearing neckbearded atheists” do not exist. Go back to 4chan.

        • Patrick

          July 14, 2014 at 11:35 am

          Impressively hypocritical post.

    • Shady

      July 6, 2014 at 10:32 am

      The problem is that ideas do not exist in a vacuum. Theism cannot be the least important thing in the lives of an atheist because we are NOT free to disbelieve. The world is full to overflowing with theists who, even in the western world, are constantly attempting to legislate their beliefs.

      When theists stop trying to keep evolution out of schools, when they stop trying to stomp the rights of minorities, when they stop trying to invoke the bible as justification for legal matters, THEN religion can probably be relegated to where it belongs.

      However, as religion refuses to stick to itself, it remains an important issue that we should all be concerned about.

      • Michael John Scott

        July 6, 2014 at 10:57 am

        Well said and I couldn’t agree more.

      • E.A. Blair

        July 6, 2014 at 12:22 pm

        Furthermore, It’s not enough to define people strictly on the basis of what they primarily believe or disbelieve. Like the famous optical illusion of the faces and the vase, people’s mental and spiritual states are a combination of figure and ground. We are defined as much by what we are not as by what we are. To use a political example, the Republican Party used to be defined primarily by what they did – brought an end to slavery and preserved the union. New they are primarily defined by what they do not do – govern.

        So while I can defined by what I do believe, what and who I am is as much a matter of what I do not. If something I reject is important to who I am, that that rejection is important to me and so is maintaining my right to do so.

    • Dave

      July 6, 2014 at 11:57 am

      I supposed you would prefer “militant atheists’ behave like militant Christians like Eric Rudolph, Timothy McVey, and Michael F. Griffin, not to mention all the militant Christians in North Ireland, Rwanda, the Balkans, etc.

      Remember, militant atheists talk, militant theists rape, torture, and murder.

      • realitycheck

        July 6, 2014 at 12:46 pm

        Except for Pol Pot, Mao and Stalin, who literally killed people for their religion… durp.

        • E.A. Blair

          July 6, 2014 at 12:50 pm

          That old chestnut (and it’s a dead horse chestnut at that)? Pol Pot, Mao, et. al., did what they did for political reasons. If religion got in the way of their political ambitions, it got trampled too.

    • DrDiarrhea

      July 6, 2014 at 1:23 pm

      “Militant?”…not until an atheist takes up arms, forms a militia, or flies a plane into a building.

    • immovableobject

      July 6, 2014 at 7:05 pm

      You probably consider anyone who publicly admits that they don’t believe in God to be a “militant atheist”. You are like those who believe that homosexuals should remain in the closet so you won’t even have to admit that there is such a thing.

      It is just taken for granted how frequently and blatantly religious people intrude their beliefs into the public sphere, so when an outspoken atheist appears, they are labeled “militant”. How dare they have the nerve to crawl out of their hole to express an opinion!? The outrage!

      I have suffered numerous attempts by strangers proselytize, but have never in my life been accosted by an atheist trying to “convert” me. The only time most atheists speak out is when directly confronted by folks with a religious agenda. They just want to live their lives without other peoples’ religion governing their lives and being rubbed in their faces.

  3. Paul Gallagher

    July 6, 2014 at 8:38 am

    Damn Atheists anyway chasing you through the airport wearing those funny clothes.

  4. Glenn Geist

    July 6, 2014 at 10:15 am

    You know, if we substitute, Christian or Jew or Black or Mexican or Brown Eyed Girl for Atheist, even a smug, arrogant, Godbother would see it as a straw man argument.

    Here’s a hint, Linh: if you select someone or thing to be “typical” the selection defines you not the bogus group you’re trying to define. You should be embarrassed to attempt a comment like yours in front of adults, many of whom understand elementary logic and have IQs with more than two digits.

    And of course since you don’t “believe in” Zeus or Ammon-Ra or Chuckwu or Quetzalcoatl, you’re an atheist yourself and true to form, you’re annoying the hell out of me.

  5. Lyndon Probus

    July 6, 2014 at 11:05 am

    Listen easy for the applause. Very Poe-esque indeed although fell a bit flat toward the end.

  6. ghostie

    July 6, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    Loved the article. The comments kinda made me feel like I fell into a church meeting.

    I try to be a good person because it’s the right thing to do. I don’t care if someone is watching everything I do, because I don’t base my behavior on such a silly thing.

    Anyone who does good simply for a reward/to avoid punishment in the afterlife, who needs the threat of someone watching, who is so wrapped up in judging others and trying to force them to follow a certain set of “rules”, is completely missing the big picture.

    Just be excellent to each other. That’s all it is. Do it.

  7. Anonymous

    July 7, 2014 at 7:50 am

    Very funny shame some people don’t get it !

  8. Reverend George

    August 27, 2014 at 11:14 am

    Very good satire! Shame some people don’t get it!. I’m a militant atheist. I don’t care what others believe. Just don’t force it on me!