Man Sues Church For Not Being Molested

JOLIET, IL – In a dramatic statement from the steps of the DuPage County courthouse, William Farley, 25, of Joliet, Illinois, told press, local diocese officials and other lookers-on that he was filing suit against the Catholic church for not being molested by priests while serving as an altar boy when he was in his early teens. At the same time, while his lawyer and his boyfriend stood with him, he openly declared that he was gay.”All during those years,” he said, “I was seriously messed up. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, and always had to listen to my parents and other kids ask me why I couldn’t be normal, be like other kids. I knew I was different, but never knew why. Now I do. I’m gay.”

Farley’s lawyer, G. Arthur Schneider of Chicago, added, “The basis of our lawsuit against the Joliet Diocese in general and the parish of St. Egregious in particular is that if a pedophile priest had taken an interest in Farley and initiated him into the intimate aspects of the priest-acolyte relationship, he could have come to terms with his sexual orientation and identity and avoided a very troubled adolescence.”

With his arms around his two supporters, Farley added, “Thanks to Jimmie and Artie, I am slowly becoming a whole person again. Only God knows how many times I asked the priests in charge of the altar boys for guidance, but they just assigned me extra duties and said that serving God would ease my soul. If only one of them had tried to get under my cassock, I would have understood myself a lot earlier on in life. I would have thought of myself as a worthy person.”

Psychologist Roger Murphy, who has been treating Farley for severe depression, said, “When young people are feeling the first stirrings of sexuality, they often measure themselves by the attention paid them by adults. Among straight adolescents, boys observe how adult women treat them and girls do the same with adult men. It is part of the normal transition from relationships within the family to relationships with others. Gay teens do the same thing, but with boys looking to adult men and girls to adult women for their cues. To the young mind, being rejected by an adult they have a crush on can be a devastating blow to their self-esteem. This is what Billy has been dealing with for over ten years, and he has been suffering for nearly half his life.”

Local reaction to the various announcement were mixed. One St. Egregious parishoner reacted to Dr. Murphy’s statement by saying, “Didn’t Jesus say ‘Suffer the little children?’ If he’s suffering, that’s a good thing”. Another said, “When I was a kid, we did anything a priest or nun told us, because we knew we would burn in Hell if we didn’t.” An ex-altar boy declared, “I’m joining the Mormons. They don’t do anything.”

A local priest, who asked only to be identified as “Father B.”, said, “What a rip! When I think of the times I risked getting caught, and all the while there was a hot little piece of surplice just waiting for it! Ooh, I could just spit! Of course now it’s just too dangerous, and the Bishop’s lawyer won’t let us keep any young men in service after they’re legal.”

The Peoria diocese has been troubled by allegations of sexual misconduct by priests for over two decades. One cynical observer said that it was “…like they had an underground railroad for smuggling troublesome padres from one parish to another.” Reaction from other local Catholics were mixed. A diocese official, who also declined to be identified, reported that contributiuons at masses were down, attendance was off, and morale was low. He added, “It’s like the t-shirt says, ‘Catholics: If shit happens, you probably deserve it.”

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