About A Bee

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Yes, it does say ‘bee’ and not ‘boy’. Why the hell would I contribute something about a crap film with Hugh Grant in it then? I’m quite worried about our bees I am. Our bees are becoming a worry. Well, actually, it isn’t so much that they are becoming a worry as they are in very serious danger of becoming extinct. They could actually cease to be or, if you like, cease to bee – and I do apologise for that awful pun.

Apparently Britain’s bees are in crisis. Insecticide doesn’t seem to be the culprit necessarily, but something has happened that has resulted in our bees becoming endangered.

Now some people might say ‘And? So what? Sad but hardly a disaster is it?’, well, actually, yes, a disaster it would be. Bees are an integral part of our environment. One of the many things bees do is help plants pollinate and, therefore, continue to thrive and what do plants do? Yes intelligent readers, they help create oxygen and without oxygen – and other stuff of course – what happens? We die.

Now I’m not going to babble on about photosynthesis and things. Let’s keep it simple shall we? Bees in Britain are in a bad way in numbers terms. It has even been suggested that there are no longer ANY wild honey bees in England and Wales.

Now I freely admit I wouldn’t know one bee from another – well, I do know two. Honey bees are a bit thinner than bumble bees but that’s about as far as I can go. I’m told bumble bees don’t sting, which is just as well as I recently had one sitting in my hand.

Why, you may ask, would I have a bumble bee sitting in my hand? Well, it’s like this. My daughter told me that bees get tired – which didn’t surprise me particularly. Let’s face it, all that buzzing about is enough to tire anything out really don’t you think?

My daughter was uncertain why bees got tired but she knew a foolproof way of re-energising them. Given that she explained it to me it’s probably just as well that it is foolproof.

Sugar water is the secret. If you find a bee crawling along the ground clearly knackered out after a long days buzzing about you get a tea spoon full of water mixed with sugar and the bee will gulp it down and, well, buzz off I suppose.

I think it is not unreasonable to say that the bee gets a sort of ‘sugar rush’ which rejuvenates it and, once rejuvenated, it returns to doing the things that bees do. I’m sure I could Google ‘what bees do’ but I won’t as they’re as entitled to their privacy as anything aren’t they?

So. Britain’s bees are, apparently, struggling, but have no fear! Rampart is here with his teaspoon of sugar water and all knackered bees that land in the Rampart garden will be rejuvenated and sent off to do their bee thing.

I’ve even bought a ‘bee box’. Now this ‘bee box’ isn’t like a hive or anything. A hive is, obviously, for a lot of bees to live in. My ‘bee box’ is for solitary bees. Bees that haven’t any other bee to care about them. Sad and lonely bees that have nowhere to live. Now they have! My ‘bee box’!

My ‘bee box’ is, basically, a wooden construction with wooden tubes in it. Each tube is for a solitary bee to live as it hasn’t got any pals to live with in a hive. I have no idea why we suddenly have lonely bees but, I’m led to believe – or, possibly – bee-lieve (and I’m so sorry about that) – part of the current problem bee-wise is that there just aren’t enough of them to avoid a few individuals being alone.

Mind you I don’t think any lonely bees have taken up residence as yet. There’s quite a few garden spiders in there – which possibly is putting off any single bees from renting. Let’s face it, if you’re a single bee you’re probably going to remain single if all your neighbours are spiders. I’ve nothing personal against a bee and a spider ‘getting it on’ but I think you’ll find it’s unlikely.

So I’m ‘doing my bit’. That’s all I can do really.

A clearly knackered bee was crawling along my garden path yesterday so I called the wife to ‘ready the bee spoon’ and she did.

Could I get the bee to drink it’s sugar water? Could I hell! I tried sitting it on the spoon and in the sugar water. it buzzed faintly and fell off the spoon. I tried dribbling a bit of sugar water in front of it and it turned away. I even shouted at it. “Look bee! I’m trying to bloody help you here!” – at which point the wife went indoors as she couldn’t handle the neighbours watching me hold a conversation with a bee.

Finally, in frustration, I put the bee in my hand – “It’ll sting you!” said the wife – and it didn’t. It sat there looking up at me. Well, I think it was looking up at me but it’s not easy to know exactly where a bee is looking truth to tell.

I tipped a bit of sugar water in my hand and suddenly the bee’s antennae went crazy. It buzzed a couple of times and then pretty much had a bee bath in the sugar water in my hand.

After a couple of minutes it buzzed again and flew off. It even buzzed around my head twice. When I said it was saying “Thanks pal” the wife gave me a very strange look for some reason.

Still. Britain may have a problem with it’s bees – or, rather, Britain’s bees may have a problem – but I, for one, am readily coming to their aid.

Besides, without the bees there’ll be no pollination and without pollination, ultimately, there’ll be no plant life and then no oxygen and then we’re all stuffed.

So be grateful to the hand of Rampart. It’s all that’s keeping the world alive!

About Post Author

Neil Bamforth

I am English first, British second and never ever European. I have supported Oldham Athletic FC for 50 years which has made me immune from depression. My taste buds have died due to too many red hot curries so I drink Kronenburg beer and milk - sometimes in the same glass. I have a wife, daughter, 9 cats and I like toast.

fourdinners14223647@aol.com