How To Get Revenge On Cold Callers
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You will have to adapt my cunning plan depending on where your cold caller is calling from but all you have to do is ask them. I invariably do. I then keep them chatting for 5 minutes or so about where ever it is they are as they desperately try to steer me back to the real purpose of their call – insurance, accident claim, new credit card or what ever it may be.
The following occurred some time ago but, I have noticed, cold calls from Indian call centres have completely ceased since and now, rather oddly, I tend to get them from Manchester, England rather than New Delhi. It isn’t as much fun but the principle of really pissing them off remains the same.
Me : “Hello”
Him: “Hello, my name is John” with a very strong Indian accent suggesting he is actually Ranjit or Ravinder or something
Him: “I am calling you today regarding the accident you had last year and to claim compensation for you”
The ‘accident’ in question was due to some daft woman walking out into the road and bouncing off my car. It was entirely her fault and she was lucky not to be badly hurt. Even more importantly my car wasn’t damaged 😉 Anyway. The paramedics checked her over, the police took statements and that was it. Over and out.
According to John / Ranjit / Ravinder I could claim compensation. He was a bit vague on what grounds but insistent I could.
Me : “I’m very interested John but I need to involve my wife. Could you hold a moment whilst I call her from my garden?”
Him : “Of course sir!” (sensing a nice bonus no doubt)
I went back into our living room and the wife asked me who had been on the phone. I lit a cigarette and supped some Bud. After a few minutes I returned to the phone.
Me: “Hi John, my wife’s just coming. She has to take her gardening boots off first. Won’t be long”
Him: “Yes sir!”
I went back and resumed watching TV, had another few sips of Bud and put out my cigarette.
Me: “John? She’s just sat down on the back doorstep mate. Give her a minute to get the boots off and we’re away mate”
Him: “Yes sir! I am waiting!”
I then returned to watch TV, opened another Bud and relaxed.
After about 10 minutes I went back to the phone and John had gone.
Works for me.
Alternatives include asking them about the weather if they’re in India and asking about the city they are in and what it’s like living there and how hot is it normally at this time of the year and do they like hot curry and so on and so forth.
The increasing desperation in their voices as they try to get you back to buying what ever they are selling is hysterical to hear. I recommend this alternate method highly.
I’m on a different tack now though as cold calls all seem to be emanating from Manchester, a city alarmingly close to my home town of Oldham. Their accents, whilst not exactly like mine – I don’t talk like a Manc! – can easily lull you into a false sense of security.
I ask them who they support – usually Manchester United or City. I then tell them I support Oldham Athletic and waffle on incessantly about Oldham being founder members of England’s Premier League and so on.
Desperate Mancs try their hardest to get me back to why they called and, to date, my record for keeping them talking without allowing them to get back to the purpose of their call is almost 15 minutes – which I think is quite impressive personally.
My closing lines before putting down the receiver on the poor saps seem to be getting increasingly bizarre leading me to hope that soon, word will spread and cold callers will begin avoiding my number like the plague.
“I’m sorry I have to go now, there’s a dolphin at the door goodbye”
“I’m sorry I have to go now but it’s been a real pleasure stalking you, goodbye”
“I’m sorry I have to go now, my doctor said I only had three hours to live and that was at 11 this morning and it’s already 3 in the afterno – ARRRRGH!”
“I’m sorry I have to go now I have God holding on the other line goodbye”
The permutations of signing off are endless.
Don’t feel sorry for them. If they are too stupid to get a proper job they deserve all they get from me.
Anyway, I have to go now as I promised Arthur Dent and Zaphod Beeblebrox I’d go hitch hiking with them goodbye.
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In the US we have a national “Do Not Call Registry.” You can put your number in it every year and you won’t get marketing calls.
Do you have to keep doing that on a yearly basis? I have been getting all kinds of calls lately and I registered on DNCR years ago.
Yes. You have to do it yearly.
Sounds like a good approach, but it might involve more of an attention span than I possess. I have had good and sometimes spectacular success by learning and using a few very nasty Hindi epithets. I recently drove one caller to hysterics and a complete loss of English by calling him a bhenchod (can I say that here?)
I’m really not sure if he even had a sister, but after all, he called to tell me he was from Microsoft and had to perform an emergency fix on my computer and needed my credit card number right away. . .
His insult to my intelligence was no less than my insult to his habits.
You said bhenchod here, so I guess you can say it. I thought that only happened in the backwoods with the inbreds though 😉