24 Hilarious Donald Trump One-Liners


As election year 2016 grinds agonizingly on, the inevitability of Donald Trump (or Drumpf, if you prefer) becoming the Republican presidential nominee is looming on the horizon like a very dark cloud with a tinfoil lining. Democrats shudder at the thought of a President Trump*. Republicans are in a panic because their Frankenstein’s monster is a zombie chicken coming home to roost. People who dislike Trump dislike his arrogance, his bombast and his lack of decorum. They wish his ego were the World Trade Center on 9/10. I don’t know if Winston Churchill ever heard of Trump, who was only eighteen when Churchill died, but if he had, this famous Churchill quote might have applied to him as well as Sir Richard Stafford-Cripps:

“There but for the grace of God…goes God.”

There are three groups who are not, unlike most of us, dismayed at Trump’s ascendancy. The first, of course is his rabid followers, who have been promised legal fees in exchange for providing informal security for Trump’s public appearances. The second is network executives, who see endless dollar signs in the ratings boosts that Trump provides.

Politics:  A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.”

— Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

So who is the third group? Comedians, of course, especially late-night comedians. Trump’s personality inspires – nay – demands ridicule, and a Trump presidency, however disastrous it would be for the rest of us, would be a new Golden Age of Comedy. Saturday Night Live would be in no danger of cancellation for the next four or eight years, and fansof The Daily Show might even stop missing Jon Stewart. One type of comedy that is particularly suited to politics is the one-liner. Short, pithy and usually barbed, it has a long history. Aristotle is credited with the oldest known one liner: “”On his feet he wore…blisters.”

And who best to be the butt of a long string of one-liners than Donald Drumpf? Herewith are the first of a series of Official Donald Trump® Brand™ one liners. Some are mine and some were recalculated for this meridian (which is a polite way of saying plagiarized). Some of them are low blows, but as a wise man, Anonymous, once said, “A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.”

A racist, a mysogynist and a con man walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have, Mr. Trump?

Worrying works! 90% of the things Donald Trump worries about never happened.

For every action, Trump has a corresponding over-reaction.

If you agreed with Donald Trump, you’d both be wrong.

100,000 sperm and Donald wa the fastest?

Donald Trump are depriving some poor village of its idiot.

Most politicians are more polite when they are being rude than Donald Trump is when he’s being friendly.

Do not argue with Donald Trump. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Donald Trump believes that to err is human, but blaming it on somebody else is a management skill.

Donald Trump believes that power corrupts, but absolute power is pretty neat.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes Donald Trump easier to live with.

Donald Trump calls PMS “mad cow disease”.

Some politicians can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like Donald Trump.

Bernie Sanders causes happines wherever he goes. Donald Trump causes happines whenever he goes.

Trump may claim that he has a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

Donald Trump’s conscience is clean — He has never used it.

Donald Trump didn’t say it was Obama’s fault, he said he was blaming Obama.

Good leaders die young but guys like Trump go on and on and on…

The only difference between Donald Trump and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look

like a nut case when you first meet him.

Donald Trump doesn’t have an attitude; he has a personality nobody can stand.

Donald Trump doesn’t suffer from insanity; he enjoys every minute of it.

One thing Donald Trump never learned about business is minding his own.

What does Donald call anti-Trump demonstrators in the streets? Speed bumps.

Feel free to use these at parties and don’t forget to add your own in the comments section.

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Posted by on March 18, 2016. Filed under COMMENTARY/OPINION. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry
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3 Responses to 24 Hilarious Donald Trump One-Liners

  1. Neil Bamforth Reply

    March 18, 2016 at 1:09 pm

    Just used three of them on the wifey and she laughed out loud – and the wifey never laughs out loud normally until I get undressed….

  2. E.A. Blair Reply

    March 18, 2016 at 1:19 pm

    I forgot to include the footnote (it’s the asterisk after the words “President Trump”. Here it is:

    *Even speculatively, it is painful to type that. I had to type one letter, have a beer. Type another letter, have a shot of brandy. Type another letter, take a bong hit. Type another letelaolkagflk ;;dajlkfjg lkfghlag ldakfjlkgllk; kjdfgojiug

  3. Glenn R. Geist Reply

    March 20, 2016 at 10:01 am

    Brilliant! I would have commented earlier, but I couldn’t stop laughing.

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