The Final 24 Donald Trump One-Liners

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It’s all well and good to make fun of Donald Trump, but it’s a mistake to not take him seriously. The Economist Intelligence Unit has listed a Trump presidency as being as great a threat to world stability as global jihad. Children of wealth are used to getting what they want and they resort to pathetic displays of petulance when thwarted. When that happens, they use their resources to their best advantage.

Trump is trying to buy a presidency; the Koch brothers are trying to buy the whole government; Osama bin Laden, also a son of wealth, used weapons and religion to get his way. Fortunately, we have the legal means to thwart these children – our votes. It’s been fun making light of Donald Trump, but he’s no joke – he could become our president. If that happens, whatever respect President Obama regained from the rest of the world in the wake of Bush II will go down the drain. The Bush presidency was a tragedy; a Trump presidency will be a travesty. Here is the last batch of my one-liners about Donald Trump. Remember: Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies, or as Jay Leno once said:

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

Here’s the final installment of Donald Trump one-liners:

Donald Trump woke up this morning and realized that he still had a lot of growing up to do. Then he took off his bunny jammies and got in the shower.

Trump’s brain starts working the moment he wakes up and shuts down when he opens his mouth.

If at first Donald Trump doesn’t succeed, he redefines success.

If that still doesn’t work, he claims it was a success after all.

If he still doesn’t succeed, he destroys all evidence that he tried.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture Donald Trump has.

The last thing Donald Trump wants to do is hurt you. But it’s still on his list.

The only time Donald Trump settled for second-best was when he heard that honesty was the best policy.

The last time Donald Trump went through customs, he had nothing to declare except how amazing he was.

Donald Trump told his bodyguards to attack a man he thought was a terrorist. Turns out the guy was a divorce lawyer – for Trump, the same thing.

If Donald Trump is a Christian because he goes to church, then when I’m in a garage I’m a car.

Something Donald Trump should realize is that YouTube never misquotes him; it repeats word for word what he shouldn’t have said.

If Donald Trump is right about America being in decline, I’d be very surprised.

A President Trump would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If Donald Trump admitted to being a compulsive liar, who’d believe him?

If Donald Trump is here, who’s running hell?

When Donald Trump wants to be sure of hitting the target, he shoots first and calls whatever he hits the target.

Behind Donald Trump’s success his wife. Behind Donald Trump’s next downfall is his next wife.

Under Donald Trump’s crude exterior lies an even cruder interior.

Donald Trump walked into a bra and claimed he was dyslexic.

Donald Trump wants to defeat his enemies by fighting fire with fire; he should remember that fire departments usually use water.

As I was standing in the voting booth marking my ballot, a man came up behind me, pressed a gun into my back and said, “Vote for Trump or die.” I said, “I’m thinking, I’m thinking.”

It’s not whether you win or lose; what matters is that Trump wins and everybody else loses.

I’ve had so much fun ridiculing Donald Trump, I should thank him for showing me such a good time.

As before, feel free to use these at parties and don’t forget to add your own in the comments section..<blockquote>

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

Please remember: if you’re in a primary state that hasn’t voted yet (as I am), or if you will not mark a presidential ballot until November, your duty as a voter is clear: Vote your conscience and don’t vote for a man without a conscience.<blockquote>

“Vote noun: the instrument and symbol of a freeman’s power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.”

— Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary


About Post Author

E.A. Blair

E.A. Blair is the 'nom de commenter' of someone who has been a teacher, game designer, programmer, logistic support officer and technical writer at various times in his life. Most of the hits in a search on his real name predate the internet; it appears exactly four times in Wikipedia and six times on IMDb.
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Mina Kotzur
1 year ago

including household cleaning, personal grooming, health

6 years ago

[…] The Final 24 Donald Trump One-Liners […]

6 years ago

“Herr Drumpf! Herr Drumpf. There was a terrible attack in Brussels. I’m afraid Jeff Sessions was there. He didn’t make it.”

“Goddamit! He was wearing my Rolex!”

Reply to  BitcoDavid
6 years ago

Ha Ha!!!!! Good one David, and, Mr (Mrs) Blair I have loved these. Now all you need to do is write about the devil himself, Ted Cruz. With your humor you should be able to do a bang-up job with that. Thanks so much.

E.A. Blair
Reply to  Caroline Taylor
6 years ago

Thank you Caroline (and it’s Mr). I don’t think I could do the same for Senator Rafael E. Cruz for a number of reasons, foremost of which is that, unlike Trump, he is not a buffoon; he is a smart slimy, unscrupulous and evil theocrat, and for all those reasons is far more dangerous. The Trump jokes practically write themselves, but his whole candidacy and the prospect of a Trump presidensity are also nothing but very bad jokes. I find no such humor in a Cruz nomination or possible election. His father’s influence is quite strong, and that is one of the principal sources of my distaste for and fear of him.

6 years ago

I am going to try using these on a couple of friends of mine I am having to almost bitch slap because they love Trump and his “fighting for the little guy Jess” These are smart people too, “he’s taking it to the man J”, or my personal favorite, J he’s using his own money, he won’t be bought for any price.

E.A. Blair
Reply to  jess
6 years ago

He’s buying the presidensity for himself.

Reply to  E.A. Blair
6 years ago

Jack Benny 🙂

E.A. Blair
6 years ago

Sub to comments.

Glenn R. Geist
6 years ago

Funny stuff!

I’m not sure the people who support him despite and because of the mean, ignorant, illogical things he says and the impossibilities he promises are influenced by humor or sarcasm, but this is funny stuff indeed.

I think the people we need to slap around a bit are democrats like the one I just argued with who won’t support Hillary against Trump because she isn’t addressing the problems of GMO foods. I think we have to face the fact that many Democrats are just as stupid and irresponsible as Trump supporters.

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