- CRITTER TALK
- MOVIE-TV-BOOK REVIEWS
- NEWS I FIND INTERESTING
At any other point in our country’s history, a reasonable person could listen to Trump and dismiss him as a joke, but after the election, the joke’s on us. Donald J. Trump will be the next President of the United States. It’s at this point where I would say “God help us,” but considering a lot of our readers are atheists, I’ll probably end up getting a bunch of hate mail. Then again, considering what’s about to happen this Friday, I’m thinking a few of those heathen non-believers will be back in church praying their asses off from now until November, 2020. Hell, I’d join the priesthood if I thought it would help. I’m not getting laid right now anyway!
(Whoops, too much information?)
You cannot believe a word that comes out of Trump’s mouth- not one single word. As P.T. Barnum once said, “There’s a sucker born every minute,” and I cannot think of a more apt description of the average Trump voter. Or should that be ‘below average’? Trump said it himself: “I LOVE low-information voters!” And the crowd cheered. The Cheeto-faced Shitgibbon insulted his base to their faces, AND THEY CHEERED. That’s like a battered wife getting the shit kicked out of her by her husband, then turning around and cooking him a gourmet dinner and giving him a blow-job!
RELATED: Donald Trump: A Portrait In Tyranny
Just recently, Trump announced that he would go before Congress and ask them for the 25 billion he needs to construct his wall along the Mexican border, breaking a campaign promise he made to his supporters that he would force the Mexican government to pay for it instead of the American taxpayers. When I heard the announcement, my first thought was, “Are you fools really surprised by this?”
I nearly laughed my ass off when Trump followed it up by saying, “But don’t worry! I’m going to get the Mexican government to pay us back!” Yeah, right. Have you ever tried getting twenty bucks back from any of your Mexican friends? They either act like they don’t know you or vanish like they never existed. But Trump’s supporters, they eat it up like it’s free chicken wing night at Hooter’s.
I have yet to hear one of them bitch about shelling out 25 billion dollars for something we don’t even need. You know how many kids we could send to college with that money? How many homeless we could feed and shelter? How many republicans we can have NASA blast into space, never to be heard from again?
Yeah, it’s totally fine as long as we get paid back. But here’s the thing these mouth-breathers don’t realize- let’s just say, for argument’s sake, that Trump gets the money to build his monument to racism, gets it erected, AND manages to get Mexico to pony up every single penny that was spent on it. Now, what makes these people think they’re going to see ANY of that money come back to them?
IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
When the government spends our money, we have no say in where it goes, and if we get it back, it’s usually in the form of services or tax refunds. But if the government gets paid back, that money goes straight to the treasury, not to the people. And if you think for one second Trump and his cronies aren’t going to profit from it, you are a sucker of EPIC proportions.
For that matter, just who is going to build this waste of steel and concrete, anyway? Somehow, I can’t see any white people willing to sweat it out in hundred-degree heat no matter how much you pay them. And when you stop to consider how much of a cheap-ass Trump is, you’d be lucky to be getting paid at all. If I were dumb enough to take that job, I’d ask for my money upfront.
The wall itself is such a lame idea to begin with. Aside from the cost, the labor, the logistics, and the upkeep, practically everything we have is going to go towards maintaining it. And just where is Trump going to get enough people to secure it? Are we going to form our own Night’s Watch? Are they going to take an oath? Wear black? I can’t imagine that there’s anyone in this country willing to swear off women and comforts to guard against the ‘great evil’ that is illegal immigration.
What would that oath even sound like?
“Night gathers, and now my watch begins.
It shall not end until my death, or at least until Duck Dynasty comes on
I shall take no wife, but it’s open season on hookers
Hold no lands, not even a trailer,
Father no children, as my sperm count is low
I shall wear no crowns, nor a trucker hat
Win no glory- not even a bowling trophy
I shall live and die at my post, as long as no one shoots back
I am the AR-15 in the darkness
The napper on the walls
The one who takes a piss against the wind and splatters the front of his pants
The light that brings the grill and the Pabst Blue Ribbon
The fart that wakes the sleepers
The tubby loser who couldn’t even get a job with the TSA
I pledge my detached penis and my fake patriotism to the Trump Night’s Watch
For this night, and for all nights to come- or at least until I get a better offer.”
Yeah, that sounds about right. Listen, I dunno about the rest of the sheep, but everybody better wake up and start calling this bullshit out, because pretty soon, there won’t be anything left of this country to fight over.