On Donald Trump: Guess Who’s Not Coming To Dinner?
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by Gregory B. Gonzalez
Donald J. Trump is a lot of things, but brave isn’t one of them. The guy is a cowardly piece of shit. He makes the lion in The Wizard of Oz look like Bruce Willis in Die Hard. He dodged the military draft five times so he wouldn’t end up in Vietnam, and yet he had the nerve to call John McCain a ‘loser’ for getting captured. You tell me- who’s the bigger loser, the guy who stood up to being tortured, or the guy who ran from it? Because I guarantee you- if Trump had been in McCain’s place, he would have cried like the pussy he is. It’s a good thing the CIA is keeping intel from him. If he were to be captured by ISIS, he would shit himself and give them the nuclear codes so fast they wouldn’t have time to grab a pen and a piece of paper!
Trump loves to tell people how he’s the smartest guy in the room, but when things don’t go his way, his first impulse is to go on a whiny Twitter rant and play the victim. For weeks now, he’s been demonizing the news media and calling them ‘fake news’, despite the fact that the only one handing out fake news is Trump himself.
In another Tweet sent out today, Mr. Trump announced that he would not be attending the annual White House Correspondents Dinner. I guess that’s in keeping with Trump’s modus operandi- dishing it out but not being able to take it. In 2011, he took a pretty bad beating from comedian and late night talk show host Seth Meyer and President Obama. As they made their tongue-in-cheek jibes, Trump sat stone-faced at his table, although you could see the subtle undertone of rage boiling underneath the mango-colored exterior. I’m kind of surprised the ferret sitting atop his head didn’t stand up and flip the finger at the dais.
As you may have noticed by now, our new president doesn’t have much of a sense of humor, at least, about himself, anyway. After calling the press ‘the enemy of the American people’ he’s not very inclined to face them and have a comedian mock him to the point where he’d soil the adult diapers he wears under his horribly and so obviously cut pants he wears.
If you ask me, I think his excuse for not attending the dinner is so that he won’t stroke out at all the jokes that will be directed at him. It would be hilarious for someone to point out how he couldn’t even pay his wife to be his date for the night only to see him roll back his eyes and collapse face first into his wedge salad. Kinda sucks, really. Whoever gets the hosting gig is going to be relegated to making fun of Mike Pence as the poster boy for successful gay conversion therapy.
Then again, I don’t know how well it took. Now that Melania is back at Trump Tower, who’s the one in the Lincoln bedroom masturbating Donnie’s massive ego? We know it’s not Steve Bannon. On the upside, I hear Milo is currently looking for a job opening. Suggestion: look at the White House website under ‘jobs offered’ and see if there’s a listing for ‘presidential fluffer’. Speaking of which, I heard a rumor Trump is addicted to penis enlargement pills. How the Hell does that work? He doesn’t have any place to stick it. I guess that sort of explains the look on Justin Trudeau’s face when Trump offered his hand. I get the feeling he’s been using it for more than handshakes and signing executive orders.
Those are examples of some the tasteless jokes Trump would hear at the Correspondents dinner. Well, maybe not. My sense of humor is way worse than most people’s.
If anything, Trump’s refusal to attend the dinner is a probably a mix of cowardice and a fear of bombing with the crowd. He’s not used to being funny in front of a sophisticated audience with an IQ in the triple digits. You know, like MY audience. I’m not really sure what he’s so afraid of- he could spew his usual line of bullshit and kill with it because even though he’ll be talking seriously, everyone will naturally assume it’s a joke. Just like his presidency.
The sad truth is, I think Trump is beginning to realize that running a country and running a company are two very different things. And let’s face it- Barack Obama is a tough act to follow. If Trump had one single ounce of humility, he would grin and bear the Correspondents dinner and take it like a man- as every other president has for nearly a hundred years. I mean, even Nixon had fun with it, and he was BEGGING to be made fun of! But as we’ve learned in the past month, this presidency is very far from normal.
I only hope it doesn’t become the new normal.
Resist.
On a personal note, this is my 100th article for MadMikesAmerica, and I just wanted to say a few words of thanks- one to my friend, publisher, and mentor, Mad Michael J. Scott. Thank you for being a big supporter of my work and giving me this opportunity. Another one goes out to my fellow writers, most notably Norman Rampart (Neil Bamforth), Joe Hagstrom, and David Greenberg. You guys make me laugh. This last thank you is the most important one- it goes out to my readers. Your support has meant so much to me in the five years I’ve been doing this. Special shout-outs go out to Jess, Rachael, Julie, Tommy, Tall Stacey, and Bill. Words can’t express how grateful I am to each and every one of you! Thank you!
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what they need to do is invite Alec Baldwin as Trump and let him sit on the dais, either him or Hillary. THAT will get right under his thin skin. Or wait for it, closer to the thing in April, he will decide it’s gracious to go and be with people that hate him because he’s just such a good guy. Hell even when they did his roast at Comedy Central they had to give him approval over the jokes they told. I’m watching Sam Bee’s not the WHCD anyway, it will be more entertaining. Happy 100th story, do you get a raise now or is that cheap bastard Mike, doing the less than minimum wage thing 😉
Thanks, Jess! Yeah, Mike’s a notorious cheapskate, but I’m not that greedy, so it works out. But the least he could do is buy me a new computer! LOL!