Welcome To The Longest Twelve Days Of My Life

by Gregory B. Gonzalez

Welcome to the longest twelve days of my life. Otherwise known to the rest of the world as: “What the Hell was America thinking?” I really don’t think I need to elaborate on that statement. By now, you should already know what I mean.

It’s true, I’m a little punchy and irritable. I spent my entire day trying to figure out what to write about, and I can’t narrow it down for the life of me. Our esteemed president, (sarcasm) Donald J. Trump, does so many dumb things on a daily basis that it’s difficult to keep up. I would literally have to glue my butt to my desk chair and wait on a five-minute cycle to stay ahead of him. I’d only have time to listen, roll my eyes, throw up, type a page, and move on to the next idiotic thing he does.

My friend, horror author Jonathan Maberry, wrote a trilogy about a small town in Pennsylvania that was overrun by vampires. After reading it, I’m thinking I’d rather live in the fictional town of Pine Deep than the reality that is Trump’s America. Hell, I underestimated him. I never thought he could do so much damage in only two weeks.

Now he’s on vacation. When I heard that, I was like, “What, did he pat himself on the back and say, “Well, I’ve fucked things up enough! Time to take a well earned break!” Knowing him, probably. Steve Bannon’s most likely back at the White House and has his feet up on the desk in the oval office, drinking scotch with Milo Yiannopoulos on his lap, cooing, “We finally made it, baby!” Kinda makes you wonder if Milo is the jealous type.

Speaking of frosted flakes… I really loathe Milo Yiannopoulos. He’s a walking hate crime waiting to happen. I swear, if I passed by two rednecks beating the crap out of him and he begged me for help, I would stop, look at the two rednecks, hand them a twenty dollar bill and tell them, “Hey, when you guys are done, buy yourselves a couple of beers!” I mean, who is this nitwit, anyway? A former twitter troll who writes for Breitbart now? Who cares? I’m surprised he can walk upright. This clown is such a dumbass that he thinks Breitbart is ‘well-respected’. Dude, please. The National Inquirer is more respectable. He also thinks being a republican is ‘almost cool’ now. Sure it is, the same way being an unregistered sex offender is almost cool. Oooh… sorry, Donnie. I wasn’t talking about you.

(Cough)

Kellyanne Conway and Sean Spicer aren’t doing much better. Kellyanne and her ‘alternative facts’ have spun into an alternate reality. She claimed there was a terrorist attack on the town of Bowling Green, KY six years ago… that never happened. I know I slept through 9/11, but for a second, I thought, “Was I in a come during Bowling Green?” As far as Spicer goes, I’m just counting the days until he has a nervous breakdown. Even HE can’t keep up with all of Trump’s bullshit. The bookies in Vegas need to start a betting pool.

Now Trump is pissing off Australia and threatening to send troops into Mexico. Not a smart idea. Do the words, “Remember the Alamo” mean anything? Not only that, but Bannon also wants to pick a fight with China. Seriously? Does takeout in DC really suck that badly? Come on- leave China alone. They gave us orange chicken and kung-fu movies. Not to mention that they own the majority of our national debt. Just saying.

Two weeks… For crying out loud, it hasn’t even been a month since the women’s march, and it feels like it happened a year ago. Am I the only one who feels fatigued? Judging from what I see on the news, it doesn’t seem that way. God bless you folks. Keep it up.

As for me, I’ll be back next week, hopefully with more sleep.

RESIST.

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