The Hamster Helpline

by Neil Bamforth

Everyone and, seemingly, everything has a ‘helpline’ these days. All you have to do is call a number for just about any problem, or perceived problem on earth.

Read: Donald Trump: Using Bullshit To Keep the Hounds At Bay

What the hell happened to ‘It’s my problem and I’ll deal with it?’

It’s this damn ‘blame culture’ that’s what it is. If you say something that offends some fragile moron then they find a ‘helpline’ and bawl their eyes out because you had the audacity to tell them they were too fat – even if you didn’t exactly. All you did was say “Excuse me, this is my seat so would you be so kind as to keep your lard ass on your seat please?”.

See? Even if you politely point out something some bloody idiot gets upset and / or offended and they need ‘support’. They need someone to go and cry to. They find a ‘help line.’

I reckon there’s more bloody help lines than there are problems and most of them get funded by taxpayers like you and me. Help lines are breeding more quickly than the third world peoples.

Read: Donald Trump Isn’t the Only Famous Donald

Mind you. I did have a thought about helplines. I started to wonder about hamsters. I’m not entirely sure why my mind went that way – possibly too many beers. Actually probably too many beers.

Still, it amused me. I imagined a hamster calling a helpline. It goes something like this.

“Hello, hamster help line”

“Yes. Hello. Can you help me?”

“Well, that’s what the taxpayer is paying us to do. Are you a hamster?”

“Course I am! I wouldn’t be ringing you if I wasn’t would I? Stands to reason!”

“Ok, fine. How can we help you today Mr Hamster?”

“Well, I’m being kept in a very inhumane way”

“How so?”

“Well, I should be in a cage. You know, with straw and a little wheel to keep running around all day. That’s what we do you know us hamsters. It’s so wrong and cruel to have to live where I do”

“And where do you live Mr Hamster?”

“On a head”


“On a head”

“What sort of head?”

“A man’s head”

“You live on a man’s head? How is that possible?”

“Super glue”

“Super glue?”

“Yes. He’s stuck me on his head with super glue. He thinks I make a fine head of hair apparently”

“Good grief! That must be illegal and, if it isn’t, it certainly should be!”

“My thoughts exactly. I mean to say, how would you feel if you had to sit on top of a man’s head all your life eh?”

“Well, uncomfortable I should imagine”

“Precisely! I want something done about it!”

“I’m sure we can help you out of your predicament Mr Hamster. First I need some details.”

“What do you need?”

“The name and address of this inhuman creature who has superglued you to his head for a start”

“No problem. Got a pen ready?”


“Mr Donald Trump, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW in Washington, D.C.”

“Oh. I’m so sorry Mr Hamster but I’m afraid we can’t help you after all”

“Why not??”

“Well, you see, hamster removal from heads was only covered under Obama Care so now I’m afraid you’re stuck there as ObamaCare is going”

“I know I’m bloody stuck here. The mad bastard used super glue on my ass! I want to get off!”

“I’m sorry Mr Hamster. We would love to help but President Trump denies you exist and says you are fake news”

“Right. That does it. I’ve been stuck here for years. I’ve tried to behave well. I’ve always used the tube overnight for the necessaries. That does it!”

“What are you planning to do Mr Hamster?”

“Shit on his head.”

Now be honest. That would be worth some tax dollars eh?

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Posted by on March 12, 2017. Filed under COMMENTARY/OPINION. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry
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7 Responses to The Hamster Helpline

  1. Michael John Scott Reply

    March 12, 2017 at 1:14 pm

    Yep. That would be worth some tax dollars.

  2. jess Reply

    March 12, 2017 at 1:37 pm

    🙂 Funny. I got some new pants this past week and wore them out last night for dinner with some friends. I ask best friend damn, do these pants make my ass look big right now or what. He goes, no it’s your big Puerto Rican ass makes your ass look big. I’ve been doing lots of squats and lunges as of late and my ass is looking good, if I do say so myself. Has to, because bikini season is coming up and I can’t have a flabby ass in a bikini.

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      March 12, 2017 at 5:24 pm

      “flabby ass in a bikini”….do you mind??? I’ve just eaten my dinner!!! 🙂

  3. Marsha Woerner Reply

    March 12, 2017 at 6:54 pm

    What an insult to hamsters! Every single hamster that I’ve ever seen far more natural and handsome than Mr. Trump’s head! 🙂

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      March 12, 2017 at 7:56 pm

      Latest news says it’s a rat pretending to be a hamster….can’t be fake!!! 🙂

      • Marsha Woerner Reply

        March 13, 2017 at 11:52 am


    • Queen Bee Reply

      March 12, 2017 at 9:12 pm

      ROFLMAO! I so agree Marsha.

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