- CRITTER TALK
- NEWS I FIND INTERESTING
by Neil Bamforth
What the hell happened to ‘It’s my problem and I’ll deal with it?’
It’s this damn ‘blame culture’ that’s what it is. If you say something that offends some fragile moron then they find a ‘helpline’ and bawl their eyes out because you had the audacity to tell them they were too fat – even if you didn’t exactly. All you did was say “Excuse me, this is my seat so would you be so kind as to keep your lard ass on your seat please?”.
See? Even if you politely point out something some bloody idiot gets upset and / or offended and they need ‘support’. They need someone to go and cry to. They find a ‘help line.’
I reckon there’s more bloody help lines than there are problems and most of them get funded by taxpayers like you and me. Help lines are breeding more quickly than the third world peoples.
Mind you. I did have a thought about helplines. I started to wonder about hamsters. I’m not entirely sure why my mind went that way – possibly too many beers. Actually probably too many beers.
Still, it amused me. I imagined a hamster calling a helpline. It goes something like this.
“Hello, hamster help line”
“Yes. Hello. Can you help me?”
“Well, that’s what the taxpayer is paying us to do. Are you a hamster?”
“Course I am! I wouldn’t be ringing you if I wasn’t would I? Stands to reason!”
“Ok, fine. How can we help you today Mr Hamster?”
“Well, I’m being kept in a very inhumane way”
“Well, I should be in a cage. You know, with straw and a little wheel to keep running around all day. That’s what we do you know us hamsters. It’s so wrong and cruel to have to live where I do”
“And where do you live Mr Hamster?”
“On a head”
“On a head”
“What sort of head?”
“A man’s head”
“You live on a man’s head? How is that possible?”
“Yes. He’s stuck me on his head with super glue. He thinks I make a fine head of hair apparently”
“Good grief! That must be illegal and, if it isn’t, it certainly should be!”
“My thoughts exactly. I mean to say, how would you feel if you had to sit on top of a man’s head all your life eh?”
“Well, uncomfortable I should imagine”
“Precisely! I want something done about it!”
“I’m sure we can help you out of your predicament Mr Hamster. First I need some details.”
“What do you need?”
“The name and address of this inhuman creature who has superglued you to his head for a start”
“No problem. Got a pen ready?”
“Mr Donald Trump, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW in Washington, D.C.”
“Oh. I’m so sorry Mr Hamster but I’m afraid we can’t help you after all”
“Well, you see, hamster removal from heads was only covered under Obama Care so now I’m afraid you’re stuck there as ObamaCare is going”
“I know I’m bloody stuck here. The mad bastard used super glue on my ass! I want to get off!”
“I’m sorry Mr Hamster. We would love to help but President Trump denies you exist and says you are fake news”
“Right. That does it. I’ve been stuck here for years. I’ve tried to behave well. I’ve always used the tube overnight for the necessaries. That does it!”
“What are you planning to do Mr Hamster?”
“Shit on his head.”
Now be honest. That would be worth some tax dollars eh?Click here for reuse options!