America Over The Decades From A British Perspective

by Neil Bamforth

As Americans do you ever wonder what the Brits actually think about you? No? Oh well I’ll tell you anyway. We like you enormously on the whole – albeit, at the moment, we would have preferred you to not elect the chap you did as President. Mind you, from what I can gather, most of you wish he hadn’t been elected too so you’re forgiven – unless he blows up the planet in which case we don’t like you anymore.

Throughout recent history America has been our staunchest ally and we yours. Prime Minister May even let The Donald hold her hand. Now if that isn’t a sacrifice on a grand scale for an ally I don’t know what is!

Looking back in time however, our relationship hasn’t always been quite so comradely.

As a colony of The British Empire, America wanted a ‘voice’ in the British parliament on the quite reasonable grounds that if they were paying tax revenue to Britain they should indeed have a voice.

Now had America said “Excuse me, I’m awfully sorry to trouble you old chap, but would it be at all possible to have a tax rebate; I know it’s a bore, but I’d be most frightfully grateful….” then everything would have been fine and The American Revolution or, if you prefer War Of Independence, wouldn’t have occurred.

Unfortunately America said “Hey! Buster! Gimme a tax rebate!”

The British promptly bristled at such a rude approach and said “No”.

As a result, some Americans dressed up as native Americans – or ‘Red Indians’ as they were known until more recent enlightened times – and threw lots of tea into the river at Boston.

Now, I mean to say. Throwing tea away? Wasting tea??? No greater insult to an Englishman was possible.

The British decided to confiscate everyone’s guns in retaliation so Paul Revere, who somehow got wind of the British intentions, road through the night knocking on doors to warn everyone and became famous as a result of his actions.

Some chap called William Dawes rode in the opposite direction to do the same thing but, sadly for him, he didn’t have the same charisma as Revere and everyone said “Go away it’s the middle of the bloody night!” so, as a result he didn’t get to be famous.

By 1783 Britain and the newly formed United States of America signed a Treaty that probably said something like ‘you say soccer and we say football and we’ll be friends to you and you’ll be pals to us’.

From then on we got along just famously and imported all your TV shows.

America has helped Britain out in two world wars. Admittedly you were a bit late showing up both times and nearly bankrupted us with ‘land lease’ at the second one but, you did show up eventually and help us and we’ve been eternally grateful to you for that.

In the 50’s you gave us rock ‘n’ roll and most of us are eternally grateful for that.

In the 60’s your President managed to stop the world being blown up and we are all eternally grateful for that.

In the 70’s you gave us J.R. Ewing and Star Wars (the film not the military satellite thing) but lost in Vietnam. We in Britain were so startled that you didn’t win we decided never to mention it because we like you and we liked Star Wars and J.R.

In the 80’s you gave us Hill Street Blues and Deborah Harry.

In the 90’s Green Day and The X-Files.

You just don’t stop giving America!

Seriously though. The vast majority of British people absolutely love America and Americans. We are genuinely alarmed for you as well as the planet that you’ve found yourselves saddled with Trump. If we could think of a way to help you out of this mess we would do it like a shot.

A shot? Mmmm. There’s a thought. NO! Careful. Can’t be seen to incite anything untoward legally so we won’t.

Even a very brief straw pole tells the story of how highly America and Americans are regarded in Britain.

I conducted it a few days ago in my local pub.

I asked ten people to name the country where they would most like to live if they didn’t live in Britain. The result, I think, speaks for itself.

8 stated The USA. 1 stated France for no fathomable reason and the last stated that she couldn’t go to America as she’d lived there since she was 8 years old. Her mother had failed to get her citizenship, she’d been arrested for having some weed a few years ago and been deported.

Could that be true? I don’t know her very well but she certainly has an American accent.

Anyway. 8 out of 10 on my straw poll named the USA as the place they would live if they didn’t live in Britain – and, in fairness, the weed lady would still be there apparently if she hadn’t been kicked out – so that’s actually 9 out of 10.

So there you have it America.

Over the decades, with amazingly few downs and many many ups, Britain has loved and continues to love almost all things American especially her people.

If I’m going to be brutally honest I’m not entirely certain we’ve completely forgiven you for McDonalds and ‘fast food’ but, after all, what’s an epidemic of enormously fat people amongst friends eh?

So, tell me, over the decades, what have you really thought of Britain.

Be honest now. Be gentle mind. Remember. In Britain Trump is a polite word for a fart. If you’re too unkind I will henceforth refer to your President as ‘Fart‘.

Actually, I think you’d appreciate that from a friend.

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Posted by on August 14, 2017. Filed under COMMENTARY/OPINION. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry
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17 Responses to America Over The Decades From A British Perspective

  1. Mimi Peizer Michalski Reply

    August 14, 2017 at 11:35 am

    This is hilarious and on point. You did leave out that brief little problem called the War of 1812, which my Canadian friends claim they won.

    President Fart is too nice of a term for this president but it will do for now.

  2. Michael John Scott Reply

    August 14, 2017 at 1:15 pm

    This is funny, and Mimi is right, you left out the War of 1812 🙂

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      August 14, 2017 at 1:32 pm

      Oh what’s one war or another between pals eh? ????

  3. Rachael Reply

    August 14, 2017 at 4:15 pm

    Ha! Ha! Neil that was wonderful. I needed that laugh “we like you enormously….” LOL. Keep it up. I’m loving your stories again.

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      August 14, 2017 at 5:38 pm

      Pleasure Rach x ????????

  4. Lyndon Probus Reply

    August 14, 2017 at 7:15 pm

    Ah, well this is something we can smile out, without taking too seriously. Well done, old man, well done.

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      August 15, 2017 at 12:50 pm

      Cheers Lyndon ????

  5. John McGee Reply

    August 15, 2017 at 8:52 am

    I love Britain, and have traveled there extensively. I love the people, the places, especially the Lake Country. A beautiful green land, without the bustle of so many other places, including the US.

    • Caroline Taylor Reply

      August 15, 2017 at 11:06 am

      I love England, but love Scotland more 🙂 Of course it was my only trip across the Big Pond but I hope for more and can maybe buy you a beer “old bean.” 🙂

      • Neil Bamforth Reply

        August 15, 2017 at 12:58 pm

        I have some sympathy with the Scots wanting independence. Sadly they couldn’t afford it.

        As a northerner we oop north wouldn’t mind independence from the government idiots in London.

        Still, much of our green and pleasant land is still green and pleasant so blessing counting is needed.

        Did you buy a kilt? ????

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      August 15, 2017 at 12:51 pm

      You are always welcome old bean!! ????????

  6. Ron Reed Reply

    August 15, 2017 at 12:05 pm

    Right on the mark with this one Norman/Neil!!

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      August 15, 2017 at 12:51 pm

      Ta very much mate ????????????

  7. Martin Helo Reply

    August 15, 2017 at 1:35 pm

    I learned a lot from reading this. over here some of us care about what our best ally thinks of us, and im one of them. Nice.

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      August 15, 2017 at 2:37 pm

      Pleasure mate. Pleasure. ????????

  8. Bill Formby Reply

    August 15, 2017 at 6:37 pm

    Ah Neil, always coming up with something to make me smile on a Monday. We gave you many things but you Brits have given back as well. My hero is Clapton. I love his homage to Robert Johnson and we must not forget the Beatles and all of the other great musical talents from England. You gave us Doctor Who, who seems to keep changing and now even change gender. But most of all you gave us Sherlock Holmes for which I am eternally grateful. So the love actually goes both ways old man.

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      August 16, 2017 at 3:07 am

      It does indeed. It always will. ????????????

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