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If climate change deniers want to deny climate change then that is their prerogative. Indeed, not being an expert in these matters it may well be that human kind’s pollution isn’t causing climate change.
Now, to be honest, I didn’t register how serious this is becoming. Firstly because it isn’t going to happen for another 80 years at which point I would be 140 years old assuming my cunning plan for immortality succeeds and that is a long time away.
Also, the ‘experts’ said southern Europe would be 50 degrees. Now being an old fart I thought ‘that’s not very hot, in fact it’s quite chilly so what’s their problem?’
I then realised that they meant Centigrade not Fahrenheit. Oops. My bad as the youngsters are apt to say.
You see I still think in Fahrenheit so, to me, 50 degrees is chilly and I’m hoping for 70 plus. Clearly 70 plus Centigrade and I would melt like a piece of plastic on a barbeque.
Now, according to people who know about such things, the minimum temperature required to fry an egg is 55 Centigrade. This means that people residing in southern Italy, southern Spain, southern France, Greece and European places of a similar geographical location throughout southern Europe could start frying eggs on each others heads.
At this point in my realisation of what the future holds I decided to pay attention to what all this climate change malarkey means for Britain.
Apparently there will be no head egg frying in Britain thank you very much. In Britain everyone will drown.
Well, obviously, not everybody will drown. If you happen to live high on a mountain or, at least, a reasonably sized hill with aspirations of mountain hood then you’ll probably only have to settle for a gentle paddle.
If you live below 50 billion feet above sea level however then you had better have invested in a snorkel and flippers or, at the very least, some water wings.
So, humanity, what can we do about this frying tonight or clinging desperately to a drowned sheep scenario?
Buggered if I know.
Actually, where does America fit into this? I suppose the north bit will drown and the south bit will drown in sweat or something.
Having put my extraordinary and, some would say, bizarre intellect into overdrive to find a solution I have arrived at the following plan of action.
Those in the south who would otherwise die of lots of heat can be genetically engineered to resemble camels. Camels do fine when it’s really really hot. They have humps. As a kid I thought the humps were filled with water but, apparently they are filled with fat.
Right. Everyone who’s in the burning bit lives on McDonald’s forever, gets enormously fat, all the fat is then genetically transferred to their backs and they survive by walking around with a sort of fat rucksack on their backs. Job done.
Everybody in the north needs to avoid drowning so, either everyone goes to live on a mountain, which is clearly impractical as there isn’t enough room on the mountains, or everyone is genetically altered to have gills like Bobby Ewing before he became Bobby Ewing and was The Man From Atlantis.
What’s all the panic about?
It’s not going to happen for another 80 years and you’ll all be dead – clearly I won’t with my cunning plan for immortality – so your great grandchildren will either have to have a hump or gills. It’s a bit like the ‘missing link’ really.
Kids in 80 odd years time will be saying “Grandad? Was there really a time when everyone didn’t have a hump or gills?”
Evolution and medical science will save us. Being given a hump or gills will become as normal as a facelift – well, if you consider a facelift normal anyway.
Humanity’s survival is so simple when you’re me.
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