What All This Climate Change Malarkey Means For Britain

by Neil Bamforth

A recent article regarding climate change in Europe has prompted me to stick in my two pennies worth. You see, as an Englishman I am, like all Englishmen – and women come to that – somewhat obsessed with the weather. The Brits are not obsessed with the weather because we have worse weather than anyone else but because we seem to have more weather than anyone else.

If climate change deniers want to deny climate change then that is their prerogative. Indeed, not being an expert in these matters it may well be that human kind’s pollution isn’t causing climate change.

Now, to be honest, I didn’t register how serious this is becoming. Firstly because it isn’t going to happen for another 80 years at which point I would be 140 years old assuming my cunning plan for immortality succeeds and that is a long time away.

Also, the ‘experts’ said southern Europe would be 50 degrees. Now being an old fart I thought ‘that’s not very hot, in fact it’s quite chilly so what’s their problem?’

I then realised that they meant Centigrade not Fahrenheit. Oops. My bad as the youngsters are apt to say.

You see I still think in Fahrenheit so, to me, 50 degrees is chilly and I’m hoping for 70 plus. Clearly 70 plus Centigrade and I would melt like a piece of plastic on a barbeque.

Related: Can Poor Air Quality Mask the Devastating Effects of Global Warming?

Now, according to people who know about such things, the minimum temperature required to fry an egg is 55 Centigrade. This means that people residing in southern Italy, southern Spain, southern France, Greece and European places of a similar geographical location throughout southern Europe could start frying eggs on each others heads.

At this point in my realisation of what the future holds I decided to pay attention to what all this climate change malarkey means for Britain.

Apparently there will be no head egg frying in Britain thank you very much. In Britain everyone will drown.

Well, obviously, not everybody will drown. If you happen to live high on a mountain or, at least, a reasonably sized hill with aspirations of mountain hood then you’ll probably only have to settle for a gentle paddle.

If you live below 50 billion feet above sea level however then you had better have invested in a snorkel and flippers or, at the very least, some water wings.

So, humanity, what can we do about this frying tonight or clinging desperately to a drowned sheep scenario?

Buggered if I know.

Actually, where does America fit into this? I suppose the north bit will drown and the south bit will drown in sweat or something.

Having put my extraordinary and, some would say, bizarre intellect into overdrive to find a solution I have arrived at the following plan of action.

Those in the south who would otherwise die of lots of heat can be genetically engineered to resemble camels. Camels do fine when it’s really really hot. They have humps. As a kid I thought the humps were filled with water but, apparently they are filled with fat.

Right. Everyone who’s in the burning bit lives on McDonald’s forever, gets enormously fat, all the fat is then genetically transferred to their backs and they survive by walking around with a sort of fat rucksack on their backs. Job done.

Everybody in the north needs to avoid drowning so, either everyone goes to live on a mountain, which is clearly impractical as there isn’t enough room on the mountains, or everyone is genetically altered to have gills like Bobby Ewing before he became Bobby Ewing and was The Man From Atlantis.


What’s all the panic about?

It’s not going to happen for another 80 years and you’ll all be dead – clearly I won’t with my cunning plan for immortality – so your great grandchildren will either have to have a hump or gills. It’s a bit like the ‘missing link’ really.

Kids in 80 odd years time will be saying “Grandad? Was there really a time when everyone didn’t have a hump or gills?”

Evolution and medical science will save us. Being given a hump or gills will become as normal as a facelift – well, if you consider a facelift normal anyway.

Humanity’s survival is so simple when you’re me.

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17 Responses to What All This Climate Change Malarkey Means For Britain

  1. Michael John Scott Reply

    August 8, 2017 at 10:39 am

    In America about half of the conservative politicians don’t believe in climate change at all, with many, including the idiot in the White House, claim it’s some sort of liberal of Chinese hoax. How about your government? Do you have as many idiots, comparatively speaking, as we do.

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      August 8, 2017 at 12:58 pm

      An entire House of Commons full of em old bean!!

      • Michael John Scott Reply

        August 8, 2017 at 3:24 pm

        ..and all conservatives no doubt 🙂

        • Neil Bamforth Reply

          August 8, 2017 at 4:10 pm

          Nope. Conservatives, Labour, Liberal Democrats, Scottish Nationalists and a few more besides.

          Most of em barking mad / corrupt / self serving / hypocritical / demented / bare faced liars etc etc and quite a number all of those things.

          Mind you….I’d rather be here than North Korea or Iran so it’ll have to do…

  2. Ron Reed Reply

    August 8, 2017 at 3:34 pm

    Liberals use their heads when making policy. Conservatives, on the other hand, use Jesus and their fat cat donors.

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      August 8, 2017 at 4:10 pm

      Only in America mate. Over here our Liberals are just as barking mad as everyone else.

  3. Cheryl Reply

    August 8, 2017 at 5:23 pm

    Bollocks! It’s the conservatives and a few other nutters. Name one liberal member that doesn’t believe in global warming. Ta.

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      August 9, 2017 at 3:20 am

      Politicians of all political persuasions should not be trusted. End of.

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      August 9, 2017 at 3:23 am

      Besides this isn’t a political article. It’s meant to be light hearted in the face of adversity.

      Jeez people. Lighten up!!!!

      • Michael John Scott Reply

        August 9, 2017 at 8:27 am

        LOL! Dude when you’re talking about climate change it’s a political article, because there are so many idiotic politicians who don’t believe the science 🙂 I loved it. More like this and more about fun stuff in the UK. Who agrees with me?

        • Rachael Reply

          August 9, 2017 at 10:48 am

          I agree with you Mike! Neil I love your stuff when you don’t crazy on immigrants, politicians and etc. We get enough of that already. Keep on writing old man 🙂

          • Neil Bamforth Reply

            August 9, 2017 at 10:54 am

            OI! Less of the ‘old’ man thank you very much 😉

            • Martin Helo Reply

              August 9, 2017 at 11:22 am

              It’s an American expression rather like you’re “old bean.” No worries old man 🙂

  4. Mark Willis Reply

    August 8, 2017 at 7:47 pm

    I think it’s going to get very hot very soon if Trump has his way.

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      August 9, 2017 at 3:21 am

      So lots of McDonalds and hump creation on the way eh? ????

      • Mark Willis Reply

        August 9, 2017 at 12:05 pm

        Not quite sure what that even means.

        • Neil Bamforth Reply

          August 10, 2017 at 3:50 am

          Read the article mate ????

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