A Tale of Two Turkeys

by Dr Mark Bear

The two turkeys receiving a presidential pardon from Mr. Trump have found themselves in the center of the news cycle. According to famed Turkey behavioral and language interpretive expert, Dr. Covfefe, the two gobblers, upon arrival at their new sanctuary, allegedly told turkeys pardoned by former President Obama that they had “the largest crowd size for their pardoning ceremony ever!”

Dr. Covfefe reports that this did not settle well with the rest of the turkeys who had been enjoying a life of leisure thanks to President Obama and this allegedly led to a major kerfuffle at the turkey sanctuary. The entire debacle was captured by Covfefe on film, showing the turkeys spouting off in traditional fashion, engaging in loud clucking mixed with yelping, however the expert indicated they were merely telling the rest that “they were not the two turkeys who sat in on a meeting with Russian connected officials to gather dirt on the current President’s opponent,” during last year’s campaign.

Just as tensions were alleviated however, things heated right back up once the previously pardoned turkeys indicated to ‘Wishbone’ and ‘Drumstick’ that “at least they were pardoned by a popular president, one who had dignity and demonstrated presidential behavior, and furthermore, one who at least won the popular vote.” Covfefe states that ‘Tater’ and ‘Tot’ – the last two turkeys pardoned by former President Obama, were the most agitated due to word coming into the sanctuary that the current President actually bragged about consulting White House Council to see if he could do away with their pardons.

The farmer at the sanctuary told the turkeys “they had better pipe down,” or “some heads were going to roll,” when ‘Wishbone’ and ‘Drumstick’ reminded the farmer of the two turkeys secretly pardoned earlier in the year; ‘Sheriff’ and ‘Arpaio.’ Apparently those two turkeys were used as a “dry-run” of sorts by the current President allowing him to determine the extent of his presidential pardoning ability. It was observed by Covfefe that Farmer John Kelly simply dropped his head with a look of resignation on his face, demonstrating his utter lack of frustration with the entire group of turkeys.

Both the farmer and Dr. Covfefe report that an animal psychologist will be called in to provide counseling for ‘Drumstick,’ who seems to be suffering from a post-traumatic syndrome of sorts. Apparently, during the pardoning ceremony, Mr. Trump asked if he could ‘touch’ them, only to respond, ‘Wow,’ upon doing so, leading ‘Drumstick’ to believe the President had ill intentions when touching him. Additionally, Gloria Allred has been called to the sanctuary to determine whether she would like a case she can make public. As of print, Mz. Alred could not be reached for comment, however, Alred’s spokesperson admonished the public to “not get their hopes up,” because in this case, unlike Trump’s other alleged victims he “asked for permission prior to groping the turkey.”

MSNBC and CNN are providing non-stop coverage of this event, and plan to run a twelve-hour special on Saturday about the latest scandal to rock the administration.

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