- CRITTER TALK
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“I WOULD LIKEY A CUP OF TEA WITH MILKO AND SUGERO!” she would bellow at a bemused Greek waiter. Much to my childish amusement.
Quite why adding extraneous ‘y’s and ‘o’s to shouted words would make it any easier for the bemused Greek waiter remains, to this day, a mystery to me.
Of course, things have improved greatly since those halcyon days. Most Greek waiters learned to speak English. Probably on the grounds that they realized the British would never learn Greek and their ear drums were still vibrating from my mothers loud requests for tea with milko and sugero.
According to this survey in 2007 – and I do hope things have improved since then – The Brits cheery notion that it’s people were considered a shining beacon of hope and goodness was somewhat delusional.
In 2007 at least, most hoteliers thought the Brits were arrogant, badly dressed, untidy, loud, drunk and nowhere near as nice as the Japanese. Surely they were mistaking us for Germans?
It turned out that hotel staff in Corfu didn’t actually like it when we did a drunken conga through reception at two in the morning and then rush into the gardens to catch a sexually transmitted virus.
Hoteliers did admit that the British in 2007 and earlier did spend a lot of money but it was mostly on beer, other alcoholic beverages and burgers.
The Lonely Planet Guide suggested the behavior of the British on holiday was primarily because we are obsessed with celebrities and worship people who have no talent along with our penchant for binge drinking. This coupled with a general air of disillusionment in Britain mainly based on the weather resulted in our mad behavior.
I think the hoteliers were being a tad harsh on the Brits myself, although I have to confess to a slight bias in this view.
However, have you ever shared a hotel swimming pool with a South African? I have. What they like to do, and you have to remember they are fairly big-boned, is climb to the top of a diving board and jump on your head. Then, as you helplessly flop about with a spinal injury, the rest of their equally big-boned family hoot with derision and order another round of beer.
What about the Swedes? You think the Brits can drink beer? You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a party of Thor’s locusting their way through the swim-up bar. The Brits get drunk and catch venereal disease. The Swedes get drunk and want to commit suicide. Probably comes from living somewhere ridiculously dark for much of the year.
The Americans came second favorites in this survey just behind the Japanese. Me? Jealous? Don’t be silly.
At least the Brits didn’t come bottom. The French did. Although I find that odd. Think carefully. Have you ever seen a French person on holiday in anywhere other than France? Italy is full of Germans, Spain full of Brits and Greece full of dust and gay people from everywhere except France. The Dutch are literally everywhere, the Swedes have all committed suicide and the Americans aren’t on holiday anymore, they’re running away from Trump and intend to stay until he goes.
The French never leave France for a holiday on the grounds that God never leaves heaven for a vacation in hell.
Regardless of the results of this survey, one thing that hasn’t changed is that the worst tourists ever are indisputably the Russians.
They meander along the beach, muscle bound, in the tightest Speedo’s imaginable, wearing Versace sunglasses and special forces tattoos. You get the impression when they look at you that they’re imagining what you would look like with no head.
A drunken Brit might well vomit on you and that’s nasty, but a Russian would happily garnish your pizza with a dash of polonium and that’s much worse!