A Royal American

by Neil Bamforth

It is just about possible, if you reside in darkest Peru with Paddington Bear’s relatives or you are a member of some hitherto undiscovered tribe in the Amazon or, perhaps, living with natives in the depths of Papua, that you will be unaware that Prince Harry has become engaged to a young American lady called Meghan Markle.

I continue to be blissfully unaware of anything about her. I have heard she is an actress in some TV show and, apparently, she is very good in it. I just had a quick look at Wikipedia now and, apparently, she is a humanitarian. Jolly good.

Anyway, Prince Harry loves her and, I presume, Meghan loves Prince Harry. Right. Can we just crack on now without every single news channel on the planet babbling on about it?

I am, I admit, a committed ‘royalist’. I am permanently pleased we have a royal family. I have no time for republican sentiments regarding this and, as the vast majority of Brits like having a royal family, they are here for a long time yet.

Meghan cannot, of course, be a Princess. That is not allowed. She is a ‘commoner’ – which, I agree, sounds a little harsh but the rules are the rules.

She can be a Duchess and very probably will be, which isn’t bad for an American humanitarian actor unheard of in Britain until she started dating Harry.

Only people born into a royal family can become a Prince or Princess through marrying a Prince or Princess.

Hence Lady Diana Spencer became Princess Diana due to being a ‘Lady’ already. Sarah Ferguson became a Duchess as did Will.i.am’s other half, Kate. Sorry, William. Minds wandering a bit.

I have heard Meghan on TV just once in an interview shortly after the engagement was announced. I liked her. I think she will make Harry happy which is excellent as Harry is a thoroughly good egg in my book.

I was dimly aware that there was some unpleasantness initially when the media got wind that they were dating. Apparently Meghan is of ‘mixed race’. Good grief. What a bloody stupid world eh?

Look. Boy meets girl. Love blossoms. Engagement follows and, with a bit of luck and a following wind, a lifetime of living happily ever after will follow.

Harry is a British Prince so some dickheads actually think Meghan’s racial credentials are relevant? God, or the deity of your choice, help us all.

Of course, Meghan is not the first American to become involved with the royal family. A certain divorcee of considerable infamy springs to mind. Sadly for Wallis Simpson, Britain and the establishment were not ready for such shenanigans. As a result poor old Wallis went down in history as the villain of the peace. Probably unfair on her.

Some other American lady popped up on TV recently. Whoever she was she’s married to some minor royal or something but Meghan is the first American since Wallis Simpson to marry so high up in Britain’s royal family and, unlike Wallis, won’t have to move to France as a result.

An American pal asked me why she couldn’t be a Princess. I explained and he seemed pained. I think he thought I was fibbing about the ‘commoner’ thing but I’m not.

Any children they have will be Princes or Princesses though as their father is already a Prince.

Personally, I would have no problem at all with Meghan being a Princess. The way he looked at her I suspect she already is in Harry’s eyes.

All stand and lets drink a toast to a long and happy marriage of the Prince Harry and, oh t’hell with it, the Princess Meghan!

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Posted by on December 3, 2017. Filed under COMMENTARY/OPINION. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry
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39 Responses to A Royal American

  1. jess Reply

    December 3, 2017 at 10:17 am

    Wait though she could be Princess Harry right, when she marries him like that relative of the queen Princess Michael of Kent. Yeah yeah, yeah I know, I know enough, maybe too much about the royals for a good American, I will carry the shame of it all through my whole life. Wasn’t Diana just Diana, Princess of Wales because of Prince Charles and his title, like Kate Middlteon, will do when William becomes Prince of Wales after his dad takes the throne. I thought I was going to marry Price Hot Ginge but I married my husband instead and now I am a widow he is getting married, just not meant to be πŸ™‚

  2. Michael John Scott Reply

    December 3, 2017 at 10:37 am

    Jess brings up some good questions there Neil. Don’t understand why Meghan won’t be a princess when she’s married to a prince. Please enlighten us.

    • jess Reply

      December 3, 2017 at 11:05 am

      Why are you asking him, you’re English and should know these things dammit πŸ™‚

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      December 3, 2017 at 3:22 pm

      Unless the reigning monarch decrees otherwise, only men and women marrying into royalty who already have royal links in their ancestry can become Princes or Princesses.

      Hence Princess Diana and Princess Michael of Kent, having such ancestry, became Princesses on marrying.

      Sarah Ferguson and Kate Middleton had no such connections therefore were ‘commoners’ hence were given the royal title Duchess.

      All their children are Princes or Princesses as their fathers are Royal Princes.

      Meghan therefore will become a Duchess.

      Anything more would be an unusual breech of protocol.

      • jess Reply

        December 3, 2017 at 4:11 pm

        They married princes so they could have used the princes’ Andrew, Edward name etc if they wanted to, title like I would have taken Mrs K****** C**** W************, if I had been a dutiful wife and followed what society expects by my taking his last name. They were given the duchess titles on the day they got married to be all matchy mcmatcherton with the husband. If the thing is that the children take a prince or princess title if their dad is a prince or princess, why do Edward’s and Anne’s kids not have price or princess in front of their names. I now have to go poke my own brain out because I know I have followed way too much of the protocol shit of the royals. I will turn in my good, real American badge at the border if it is demanded of me. Diana only became HRH Diana, Princess of Wales because that was old jug ears title when they married and that will be passed to his oldest son, when he takes the throne so Kate will automatically become HRH kate, Catherine, Katy etc Princess of Wales.

      • Caroline Taylor Reply

        December 3, 2017 at 6:24 pm

        Ah. Interesting. Thanks Neil.

  3. Glenn R. Geist Reply

    December 3, 2017 at 10:49 am

    Will she or won’t she? I admit I can’t understand the rules so deeply embedded in the proposition that some people are born with the non-existent gene for superiority. Will she give a damn or not. I’m guessing no, the perks of the job being quite adequate for nearly all of us. Americans secretly desire to have titles, you know.

    Indeed I bought one for myself some time ago – I’m a Baron in a country that doesn’t actually exist because I sent 50 bucks to a pretender to the long defunct throne of Bohemia. It’s a really nice looking document. So there. You can call me Your Lordship if you can do it without laughing out loud.

    But hell, the rules of Cricket are impossible to understand to the outside world, so why should the princess thing be different?

    • jess Reply

      December 3, 2017 at 11:06 am

      I too have a title Your Lordship, Queen of fucking everything, says so on my fridge magnet so it must be true.

      • Neil Bamforth Reply

        December 3, 2017 at 3:23 pm


      • Glenn R. Geist Reply

        December 4, 2017 at 3:36 pm

        Wouldn’t that be “Ladyship?” Me? I’m Baron Nada, lord of nothing and even my dog flips me off.

        • jess Reply

          December 4, 2017 at 6:58 pm

          No I was calling you Your Lordship, you know, acknowledging your title.

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      December 3, 2017 at 3:35 pm

      Cricket is easy! One man aims ball at three wickets. Another attempts to prevent ball hitting wickets.

      If the ball is hit far enough the hitter runs between wickets with a fellow runner.

      If the ball goes over…..

      You’re losing the will to live aren’t you? πŸ˜›

      • Glenn R. Geist Reply

        December 4, 2017 at 3:37 pm

        I though wicket was some sort of thing witches do and why do they use a canoe paddle? Is there a creek involved?

        • Michael John Scott Reply

          December 4, 2017 at 7:48 pm

          LOL! It is a GIANT bat, paddle wise that is πŸ™‚

        • Neil Bamforth Reply

          December 6, 2017 at 3:39 am

          I have absolutely no idea…I played the game to a reasonable standard but, being me, never fully acquainted myself with the finer points of the rules πŸ˜€

  4. Bobbie Peel Reply

    December 3, 2017 at 11:44 am

    Not at all surprised you are committed royalist, after revealing what your belief system is in previous articles, you being a sycophant makes perfect sense.

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      December 3, 2017 at 3:23 pm


    • Bobbie Peel Reply

      December 3, 2017 at 3:31 pm

      If you want to know how totally worthless Mr Bamforth’s royal family is:

      Read this


      • jess Reply

        December 3, 2017 at 6:03 pm

        Hard pass from me this time Bobbie. I am catching up on the new series of Vikings and Agents of SHIELD and then it will be tonight, where I shall watch Outlander and Poldark to get my fill of yummy British men, one of them a big red headed fellow in a kilt πŸ™‚

      • Neil Bamforth Reply

        December 4, 2017 at 2:25 am

        The Guardian? πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

        • Michael John Scott Reply

          December 4, 2017 at 8:33 am

          Is The Guardian not a reliable news source old bean? It’s a serious question because I really don’t know.

          • jess Reply

            December 4, 2017 at 9:43 am

            The Guardian uses facts and figures when reporting Mike, it really is a good read when you want the nitty gritty of something, like Spiegel in Germany or the Economist etc etc and so on. I read everything, everything that is put in front of me.

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      December 3, 2017 at 3:44 pm

      Er….belief system? Wassat? Makes me sound like a religious computer or some’at 😘

  5. Joanne Cannata Kelley Reply

    December 3, 2017 at 2:30 pm

    Years ago my late beloved niece and I went shopping in Provincetown, Mass., where a tee shirt in a shop caught my eye. I loved it but was too cheap to pay the $25 they were asking for it. My niece flew back to Florida where she lived, and I was back in my home on Cape Cod when a package arrived about a week later. I opened it; and to my delight, I found a home-crafted tee shirt with hand-painted caligraphy on it. The writing on the tee shirt is the reason I coveted the one in the shop in Provincetown. It declared that I was…

    “Queen of the Fucking Universe”

    I think the title of my tee shirt supersedes Jess’s title. Amirite?

    My sister in Florida was jealous of my royal title, so my niece made one for her which stated: “Sister of the Queen of the Fucking Universe.” Nice, but not quite as regal as my title.

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      December 3, 2017 at 3:25 pm

      An excellent tale your highness πŸ˜€

    • jess Reply

      December 3, 2017 at 4:01 pm

      Nah mang, mine is Queen of fucking everything and that includes the universe in the everything I am Queen of. Tell Joanne what she has won for playing along πŸ˜‰

      • Joanne Cannata Kelley Reply

        December 3, 2017 at 7:16 pm

        Can we be Co-Queens?

        • Rachael Reply

          December 3, 2017 at 7:23 pm

          Lol. C’mon Jess. Share the throne.

          • jess Reply

            December 3, 2017 at 8:06 pm

            Oh this is not to be born, this whole insubordination thing from you missy. Be very careful peasant, I can order heads removed with my queen shit you know πŸ™‚

        • jess Reply

          December 3, 2017 at 8:04 pm

          Well since I am in a very benevolent mood yes, we can co queen all the things.

          • jess Reply

            December 3, 2017 at 8:08 pm

            Replying to myself because I hit post comment before my regal proclamation was finished, dammit I hate when that happens. Anyway for today we can co queen because of my benevolence. In the future this insubordination will not be tolerated because then everyone will want a piece of my queen duties and I cannot have that..

            • Michael John Scott Reply

              December 4, 2017 at 8:34 am

              LOL! Only for today? Perhaps, in your royal wisdom, you can consider extending the co-queenship for at least one other day.

              • jess Reply

                December 4, 2017 at 9:41 am

                What is this treachery?

              • Neil Bamforth Reply

                December 4, 2017 at 11:28 am

                My pal Robin insists he is the senior Queen on the block….I never argue with Robin!!!

  6. Neil Bamforth Reply

    December 4, 2017 at 10:00 am

    The Guardian is highly rated by Guardian readers….of which I am not one πŸ˜€

  7. Ole Phat Stu Reply

    December 4, 2017 at 2:49 pm

    The song goes “God save our gracious Queen..”,
    so you are all disqualified by failing the necessary adjective πŸ˜‰

    • Michael John Scott Reply

      December 4, 2017 at 7:49 pm

      Ha! By golly that’s a fact πŸ™‚

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      December 5, 2017 at 6:43 am

      πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚….nice one Prof!

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