- CRITTER TALK
- NEWS I FIND INTERESTING
Generally, it’s a dog or a cat or more than one. It can be fish or birds or rabbits or hamsters. It can even be more exotic things like lizards or spiders. Outside pets are far from rare such as miniature ponies or pigs or goats. Usually, people who own pets are very nice. Mind you, there are people who are owned by their pets. These are invariably cat owners.
You see people who own a dog, or even several, do actually own them. Dogs sit when they’re told to and roll over when they’re told to. Generally, dog owners are fine but they can be a bit like control freaks as they show off their abilities to make their dogs do whatever they say.
People who own fish are not usually very good conversationalists. Well, you don’t get very far discussing the latest state of the world with a goldfish, do you? I’ve got fish in my garden pond and when I look at it, they surface as if saying ‘hello, who are you?’
Two minutes later I look in again and they surface as if saying ‘hello, who are you?’ – hence, I presume, the saying about a forgetful person having ‘a mind like an absent-minded goldfish’.
Rabbits are fine if you like that sort of thing. I once upset a pal who had got a pet rabbit by asking her if she’d found any good recipes and could she make my piece medium rare.
My insistence that I loved Richard Adams ‘Watership Down’ seemed to do little to placate her. Clearly a bit touchy are rabbit owners.
I have absolutely no idea why anyone ever owns a hamster or a gerbil. Apart from the fact they die in a couple of years or thereabouts it hardly seems worth it really. Even goldfish live longer than that. It’s probably all that running around little wheels all day that knackers them out – that’s hamsters, not goldfish incidentally.
Now if you owned a goldfish that ran around a wheel all day that would be something! A goldfish with little legs running around a wheel. You couldn’t keep it of course. It would be worth a fortune so you’d sell it for mega bucks.
Having outside pets seems daft to me. What’s the point? Not too bad in the summer but having to go outside in the freezing cold? Madness. Still, some do. Pet pigs and small ponies and goats. I suppose a goat isn’t too bad if you have a large garden. Saves mowing the lawn. If we had a pet pig I wonder how long it would be before I’d be in trouble for turning into bacon sandwiches?
My pal’s son has a lizard. It has spikes. Personally, I think it’s really dead and he’s had it stuffed. The bloody thing never seems to move. It just sits under a hot lamp. Actually, it did move once when I was there. Either that or the beer was making the room spin and I happened to look at it.
Birds can be fun. I remember a Myna bird perched at a shop entrance in Cornwall whilst on a school surfing holiday. Every time you walked into the shop it actually said – in a birdy chirp kind of way – “Fuck off!” Seriously, it did! Some adults were mortified and complained to the shop owner. He just shrugged and claimed they’d misheard.
Parrots and Parakeets and so on are quite sensible pets to have. You can teach them to talk. Mind you, if you find you’re losing arguments to them it might be a worry.
Statistics often show that the second most popular pet after dogs are cats.
This is categorically incorrect.
It is categorically incorrect because cats are not pets. Cats are not, in any way shape or form, your pet. You just, quite mistakenly, think they are.
In the case of all other birds and beasts, they live in your home. If you have a cat, you live in the cats home.
Yes, you’ve paid off the mortgage and believe you own the property. Perhaps you’re still paying off the mortgage but it’s still yours as long as you keep paying the mortgage. Perhaps you rent so it’s only yours as long as you pay the rent. Wrong.
It is not yours.
You can pay the bills and clean the place but the true owner is the cat – or cats. It is their place and you’d better not forget it.
You can virtually read a cats mind.
“What? No food? I’ll shit on the bed then”
“What? The litter tray isn’t clean? It was 2 minutes ago I used it! Right, it’s your fault the sofa gets shredded!”
“What do you mean it’s 2 in the morning? I want food! Right, it’s your fault my claws got stuck in your head!”
“What do you mean by screaming? I brought you this headless mouse as a gift you ungrateful bastard!”
“What do you mean by screaming? I left this one’s head on didn’t I?”
“Stop complaining! I only furballed on your face cause you got cross when I do it on the duvet!”
“What friendly little robin in the garden? Feathers in my mouth? What feathers?”
“So? Did I lick my ass before your face? So what? My ass tasted nicer!”
“Let’s get this straight. This is my house. You want to stay fine but here’s the deal. Feed me on demand at any time of the day. Keep my litter tray spotless. Appreciate all the rodent and birdy gifts I bring you. Worship the ground I walk on and the ground I am about to walk on. Always put me first, second and everything. Accept you are not important unless you are serving me. Acknowledge that my reasonable demands are, in fact, very reasonable. Then we’ll get along fine”.
Apart from the above, cats are magnificent. Actually, even with all that they are – and you’re in big trouble if you don’t acknowledge that.
I have been asked by our little brood to say “As long as you accept cats are better than any other life form then they will not come over and claw your eyes out too frequently” – which, I have to say, seems fair enough to me.
A belated Happy New Year from Maximus Spittimus, The Stealth Bomber, Marie Bug, Jinxie Butterball Crumpet, Jake, Elwood and Bonnie Bonkins.
For 35 years we’ve had cats. From The Duke to Princess Puffball to Gracie Mae The Fruit Bat. From Monty to Bumble to Tilly Tootoo.
Trust me, if you have a dog or a tortoise or a hamster or a cockatoo you’ve got a pet or, if you have more than one, you have pets.
If you’ve got a cat or cats they have got a pet.
Besides. They couldn’t be pets. They’re family.
RIP Purrrdy. Run over by a car the other day. Her ashes will be scattered in the garden. She’s coming home.