Why God Is A Haddock, and Not All Giraffes Are Evil
There are many religions on this world of ours. I am very familiar with one, Christianity, whilst no more than aware of others – Islam, Buddhism, Hinduhism and so forth.
All religions or, if you prefer, faiths, require exactly that. Faith. Personally I have none whatsoever. How about you?
Let’s take the faith with which I am most familiar. Christianity.
I’ve never read the Bible. I thought about reading it once but quite by chance read Tolkiens ‘The Lord Of The Rings’ and Tostoys ‘War And Peace’ before I got around to it and decided two enormous books were enough for one lifetime.
As a result I have remained perpetually puzzled by those who have a Christian faith.
In fact I was so puzzled I decided to thumb through the Bible out of curiosity.
Oh my God! (If you’ll pardon the pun) what a ludicrous load of hogwash.
Now look here you Christians, explain this if you will.
I arrived at a section of the Bible that genuinely interested me due to my love of animals. This section alone highlighted, to me, why religion is clearly so much gibberish.
I can’t quote verbatim as I haven’t got a Bible before me so, if you’ll allow me, I will somewhat paraphrase.
I’m sure you’ll all recognise the bit of the Bible I’m on about.
It goes thus – sort of and more or less.
God : “Noah! You must build an Ark and take two of every animal onto it”
Noah : “Why?”
God : “Because I’m sending a huge flood to drown all evil in the world!!”
Noah : “Oh. Ok then” – and he did indeed build an Ark.
Onto said Ark went two of all beasts. Yep. Cool. I can go with that.
The wee problemette I have is this. Two giraffes went onto the Ark therefore all the other giraffes were evil.
I can’t quite grasp the concept of an evil giraffe.
“I will get up early and eat ALL the leaves so there will be no leaves for the other giraffes! Haha!!” – the last bit is an evil laugh.
Ok. Let’s go with the flow. Evil giraffes.
So, Noah is loading his two of each animals and a couple of ducks wander by.
“On you get!” Says Noah
“Why?” Ask the ducks
“Well, there’s going to be a huge fuck off flood!” Says Noah
“So?” Say the ducks, “we swim down here then we’ll swim up there”
By the logic of the Bible the world should now be ruled by evil ducks – and what about the fish???
The Flood wouldn’t have worried the fish at all would it?
By the logic of the Bible the world is now ruled by an evil Haddock.
I rest my case and Trump is a Haddock.
Oh eck – God does exist!
I wasn’t born…my dad peed on a wall and the sun brought me out.
It’s a miracle!
“There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.” Genesis 6:4
so here we have Nephilim or sons of god which made everyone sons of god who descended from them. Wouldn’t be so important but it’s given as the reason Yahweh/El drowned the world. A thousand or so earlier and probably much earlier than that, it was enlil who opened teh flood gates because the humans were simply making a racket. Ea (or Enki) lord of the winds whispered to Ziusudra through the reed wall of his house that the water was coming. Perhpas the oldest written book in the world begins “Wall, wall, Reed wall” Perhaps you’ve read it?
Giants, mighty men of valor, take your pick, but they’re sons of God with Earth girls (earth girls are easy) and pissed off any number of gods. Noah was stolen by Hebrew scholars at the court of Nebuchadnezzar along with other mesopotamian myths. I consider most of the Bible to be a work of fiction designed to give the exiles something to create and restore a dead religion around so as to force them back from the center of civilization to a mud hut village in nowheresville. They really didn’t want to go, most of them.
And of course the fish, which long before Abraham took his personal god’s advice and got out of UR, the fish was the sign of Dagon AKA Dimuzi who was so popular with the allegedly monotheistic Hebrews they named a month after him. Youll remember Ezekiel bitching about the women lamenting the death of Dimuzi in the temple courtyard.
“Then he brought me to the door of the gate of the Lord’s house which was toward the north; and, behold, there sat women weeping for Tammuz. Then said he unto to me, ‘Hast thou seen this, O son of man? turn thee yet again, and thou shalt see greater abominations than these.”
—Ezekiel 8:14-15
Whether or not there’s anything new under the sun, there’s precious little in religion unless you consider Scientology a religion. It’s all a crazy quilt of older myths and gods and monsters and all presumes a universe that cannot ever have existed.
I’d be interested in a signed copy of anything Jesus wrote actually – big bucks and all that. Same goes for writings from anyone who ever saw the man.
Tremendous stuff Glenn, I believe every word. What a bunch of con men run the organized religions. You should run for office, Pope or Archbishop of Canterbury maybe.
But I’m not a Christian and besides I have a religion: Velocitarianism.
Get Your Motor running, head out on the highway.
Were they ice giants though? I may have to change my views if they were ice giants 😉
I thought ice giants were bad? No? Game of Thrones bad?
Well Wun Wun the giant and giants like him, only became White Walkers on GoT after he was killed, he wasn’t a real ice/frost giant like in Asgard that have mega human strength and powers from the git go, they could be bad I suppose. The only White Walker with real power is the Night King. I just realized, my life is an endless loop of 80s movies and sci fi fantasy epics, I need to get out more and revisit my life choices 😉
Ah yes! The seriously nasty Night King who is now riding an equally nasty dragon that was “converted.” Am I right?
AYUP you most certainly are.
I was raised Catholic, and they claim people have signed copies by way of stigmata.
Just…Wow!
I am still intrigued to find out two things: One, when cain killed Abel he was sent off to live with the people of Nod. Who the hell were the people of Nod? and two, how did Noah get all the way down to New Zealand and back to save the Kiwi birds who don’t fly. I mean really, there was no UPS or FEDEX then,
I’ll give you one more. Have you ever noticed that pictures of Adam and Eve they have bellybuttons. How is that even possible if they were just made from dust? Ask a talibangelical that and they get all flustered, I know I have 😉
Yep. They are buttoned, therefore the whole thing is a scam, but we knew that.
Nod is just North of Lilliput.
Heathen alert!! 😂
The Fish is a symbol of Christianity over here. Jesus, God’s only begotten son, instructed his disciples to give up their search for the fruits of the sea and he would make them fishers of men. So, in a very small way, and for a change, you are right, almost.
I too have a fish symbol. Mine has Cthulhu in the middle of it so I don’t think that one counts as me rushing out to be a fisher of me but wait, now I am a widow that WOULD make me a fisher of men when I am ready for it right 🙂 All so confusing, since my name only needs “U” and I would be Jesus. I’ll be over in the corner giving myself a stern talking to for being a blasphemer.
should read fisher of men not me.
LOL! Praise Jess!!
EXACTLY and while you are on your knees down there, my shoelaces also need tying 😉
Oh eck…I’ll try harder next time 😂
It amazes me that so many believers latch on to the Sunday School version and never bother to examine the wider story or the older versions (by thousands of years)
Genesis (or Bereshit as it’s really called) gives us two separate versions interleaved so as to resemble a coherent and unified story. It works best in translation because in Hebrew it’s apparent that there is a Yahweh story and an El story with different numbers of animals, different time periods and many other details. But you’ll say 40 days and 40 nights because that’s what the teacher said, right? Two by two, even though that ain’t necessarily so depending on whether the animals were “clean” or not. And how do we know which?
Anyway, El or Elohim is translated as God and Yah or Yahweh or Yahoo is translated as the Lord. so you don’t notice the game. Anyone studying the history of religion and anthropology sees right away how gods merge. It’s called syncretism.
There are many earlier versions on clay tablets, already ancient when this Jewish version was cooked up during the Babylonian captivity, I think. The story is plagiarized and the earlier versions are better and more plausible and include lengthy details of how the boat was constructed – of reeds and tar and round like a coracle. There is a great deal of scholarship available here, but of course most of us aren’t encouraged to read it. Ignorance and gullibility are other words for faith.
One should start with Irvink Finkel’s “The Ark Before Noah” but it’s well known that Ziusudra, the man from Shurrupak built an ark long before Yaweh learned to tie his sandals and then there was Ut-Napishtim and Atrahasis and others. Noah is fake news.
Noah is fake news? Good grief! I didn’t know it had been around that long! 😀
Poor giraffes! First time I ever wondered about what happened to all the giraffes when they loaded Noah’s Ark, which, coincidentally, sank during the “Perfect Storm” about three days out.
😂😂😂
I don’t know about evil haddock but I tasted fish and chips that haddock was used and it was delightful, the batter was perfection. I have never had any better fish and chips than that time. Trump is like an overflowing toilet that is shitting on the world, please don’t compare him to animals they do not deserve it.
I didn’t, I compared him to a fish…but, as it’s you I won’t get pedantic 😉🐟
I had that coming for not paying attention, touche mon ami.
Don’t you use that language with me young lady! 😉
Lo siento mi amigo.
LOL!
Que? 😀
You know nothing 😉