Why Mike Pence Will Never Be President

Republican U.S. presidential nominee Donald Trump (L) greets vice presidential nominee Mike Pence after Pence spoke at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio, U.S. July 20, 2016. REUTERS/Mike Segar

by Joe Hagstrom

After careful review of all things Trump the one thing that really sticks out is the obvious hatred of Vice President Mike Pence among my fellow Republicans. At least the republicans that have the power to impeach Trump anyway.

We Republicans love going back in history to justify our nonsense today. Trump is the biggest and greatest liar that has ever occupied the Oval Office. Even great than Republican Richard Nixon. In the greatest column that has to count for something. And if some leftie smart alec wants to make fun of this item of greatness we can smugly answer back that Abraham Lincoln, a Republican, is universally known as “Honest Abe.”

This is almost as great an argument settler for us Republicans as calling or opponent a libtard and enjoying the congratulations heaped upon us for this high-minded and scholarly debating point.

President Trump is very adept at puffing out his chest. Reagan and Bush II were outstanding at this also but Trump trump’s them because he wears long thin ties to make him look not as fat.

This bit of dishonesty about his fatness adds to his greatness for dishonesty. Republicans are proud of that. And there is no doubt that if Trump decided to be proud of his obesity his obesity would be greater than the obesity of President Taft. Regarded as the greatest obese President ever. And a Republican to boot.

We republicans appreciate President Trump’s striving for greatness in all presidential stuff. John Kennedy and Bill Clinton were regarded as great womanizers. Greater than Harding who did the nasty with his girlfriend in a White House closet. He was a Republican. Great republican and Founding Father Thomas Jefferson had Sally Hemmings. This is special since we can use his longtime affair with her as proof we Republicans aren’t racist. But till Trump, Kennedy and Clinton were regarded as the greatest philanderers.

Our great President not only kept his wives satisfied, he kept them satisfied while still married to the previous wives before they became exes. As well as grabbing countless women by their naughty bits and keeping a porn star satisfied while married to his current wife. That is greatness beyond what any other President who indulged in the forbidden fruit achieved.

And this answers the question as to why we Republicans just don’t like Mike Pence. By all accounts, Pence should be our dream. He speaks and thinks like a Republican should but he isn’t vulgar. Perhaps he should swear more.

He’s faithful to his wife. We don’t care about that unless it’s a Democrat and then we don’t care anyway since it didn’t help beat Bill Clinton. Maybe Pence should get a chick on the side.

Pence is a world-class chest puffer outer. No need to fix that.

I have noticed recently that some enjoy pointing out that when Pence, and Paul Ryan as well, gaze upon President Trump it appears as though they may be sexually aroused. Their gazes are more than just fawning. Ogling would be accurate. But we all looked at Reagan the same way when he was President.

A Republican can’t look at a picture of Reagan even today without a longing gaze and stirring in the loins. I have seen what looked to be Trump turning around when Pence and Ryan are behind him doing their stare thingy and signaling them to keep their eyes above the neck. Nobody looks at Pence that way. And that may be why Republicans don’t want to impeach Trump.

They don’t feel the man crush for Mike Pence. They felt it for Reagan. They didn’t feel it for Bush I and he only got one term. They felt it for Bush II for sure. But most of all they feel it for Donald Trump. The most beloved republican ever. He keeps telling them lies and giving them Arpege. If Pence wants to become President he better come up with some better lies and perfume for the Republican voters. And time is running out.

Soon Trump will claim the average size of the male sex organ has increased three inches since he became President. And he will repeat that whopper just like the others he tells enough so we believe it. Then even the Democrat males will vote for him.

I do agree it’s sad that a Nation that produced so many people who spoke so eloquently for our Country and what it means. We had great documents like the Declaration of Independence. The Monroe Doctrine. The Federalist Papers. The Gettysburg Address. The “I have a dream” speech. Reagan’s “Mr. Gorbachev; tear down this wall.” JFK’s “Ask not what your country can do for you. But what you can do for your country.” Obama’s “We are not white America. We are not Black America. We are the United States of America.”

All these and more great words were spoken by great people only to be trumped by a guy that gets reelected President because he said Americans have bigger dicks thanks to him. And we Republicans will proclaim the greatness of big American dicks while the little dick Mike Pence wonders what he could have done to become President.

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Posted by on February 2, 2018. Filed under COMMENTARY/OPINION. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry
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17 Responses to Why Mike Pence Will Never Be President

  1. Glenn R. Geist Reply

    February 2, 2018 at 9:47 am

    It takes a lot to make me laugh in this day of horror after horror, but you did.

  2. jess Reply

    February 2, 2018 at 10:49 am

    Pence has the charisma of a jar of mayo Joe, but he’s evil and mean. Only two things I will tell you children, get you a partner that looks at you the way Mayo man looks at dolt45 and two, if I wanted to watch two dudes looking at some other one from behind the way Ryan and mayo man do, I’d stream some gay porn threesomes instead of watching these three morons. That is all.

    signed, Joe’s trampy friend Jess

  3. Michael John Scott Reply

    February 2, 2018 at 1:00 pm

    Pence is not a good person, and yet he exemplifies the evangelical community, few of whom are “good people.”

  4. Holte Ender Reply

    February 2, 2018 at 2:17 pm

    You were always funny Joe, but this is downright hilarious. Rock on.

    • jess Reply

      February 2, 2018 at 2:25 pm

      Look everyone Holte again. See I told you guys we could get him commenting more again last week and I was right AGAIN. It because of me, Jesus without the “u” 😉

      • Holte Ender Reply

        February 2, 2018 at 5:19 pm

        Just keeping an eye on you Lass.

        • jess Reply

          February 2, 2018 at 5:46 pm

          Cannot be said enough, I probably need that once in a while 🙂

  5. M Bates Reply

    February 2, 2018 at 2:20 pm

    Nice to see another conservative on this site. You and Neil are a good pair.

    • Holte Ender Reply

      February 2, 2018 at 2:24 pm

      I recommend you read Joe’s post a little more closely.

    • jess Reply

      February 2, 2018 at 2:27 pm

      OMFD you really are THAT stupid aren’t you. When you put your helmet on, do you make certain it stays tight around your head so you don’t hurt yourself out in public, asking for a friend.

  6. Joe Hagstrom Reply

    February 2, 2018 at 3:54 pm

    My goal is to enlighten and entertain. Mostly though it’s my way of expressing myself artistically as well as saving souls. Glad to help you all find Jesus. As for Pence, maybe Ms. Jess could help him find a woman on the side that’s a good sport.

    • jess Reply

      February 2, 2018 at 4:38 pm

      How many souls do you need in the bank before you get the toaster Joe? I’m just letting you know that I can’t allow myself to have my soul saved, even if it meant a nice toaster for you. Best one you’d get for my soul, would be in a thrift store on the discounted by 50% or more table 😉

  7. Joe Hagstrom Reply

    February 2, 2018 at 5:00 pm

    If Michelle Bachman can say God told her to run for president I can say He told me to save Jess’ soul. Not that me and the Godly Ms. Bachman who refuses to say if she submits to her husband are in a contest mind you. Such a wholesome woman. Reminds me of better times when women weren’t preoccupied with liberation and the myth of females enjoying sex for other than it’s intended purposes of satisfying their husbands needs.

    • jess Reply

      February 2, 2018 at 5:36 pm

      Oh shit, I am fucked three ways till Sunday then, since I have no husband and I may very well start dating again after a while and sexytimes WILL happen to satisfy my own needs, as well as the person I partner up with and probably outside of a marital bed. Will I be going to hell for making damn sure my own needs are met Joe? These are the questions that need answering 😉

      signed, Joe’s REALLY trampy and not ashamed of it, slutty mcslutterton friend Jess

      • Joe Hagstrom Reply

        February 2, 2018 at 5:44 pm

        It is by the grace of God that one enters the Kingdom of Heaven Ms.McSlutterton. It’s not up to me or Jimmy Swaggert although I’m sure Rev. Swaggert would like to here more slutformation from you as apparently he was into that sort of thing as research years ago.

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  9. Kevin Robbins Reply

    February 6, 2018 at 5:18 pm

    Just wanted to say that in addition to the problems Joe pointed out. Pence may be, and it’s incredible to say this about a Republican, too white. Not sure the country is ready for our first albino president.

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