My Personal Adventures With Alcohol

by Neil Bamforth

There are those who frown on people like me who consume what they consider to be inordinate amounts of alcohol. Perhaps if they had a few they’d loosen up a bit.

The joys of alcohol far outweigh the dangers, providing you control your intake and the desire for it. If it controls you then, clearly, you have a problem. At my last medical check-u, my doctor shook his head sorrowfully.

“What’s up Doc?” I asked

“Your liver and kidney function is fine. Your heart rate is fine, bladder function fine. In fact, despite your consumption of alcohol you are disgracefully healthy but you shouldn’t be”

I think he’s jealous.

I felt I should share my alcohol story if only to help those who believe it is an evil realise it isn’t.

It is an individual choice we make. Some can handle it psychologically and medically, some can’t. It’s that simple.

I’m lucky – up to now and I know it. Still, what’s life if you don’t push your luck and enjoy it?

My personal adventures with alcohol seem to have affected my constitution. I never get outrageously drunk only pleasantly tipsy.

It wasn’t always so of course. In my youth, I’ve woken up in fields, under the pool table of a pub, somebody’s front garden and various beds with females whose names I frequently couldn’t remember.

My parents despaired of me from age 15 when I first started coming home drunk, demanding my father pay the cab fare.

It came to something of a head after my mother refused me access to the home. I broke into the garage, lit a fire to keep warm – it was winter – and inadvertently burned down the garage.

Several houses had to be evacuated in case my father’s car exploded.

I found it expedient to move in with my grandparents thereafter.

They were extremely liberal in their views and didn’t mind me arriving home drunk with a varied selection of girls in tow.

Read: At the Ministry of Truth Only Lies Are Acceptable

The occasional irate father arriving on my grand parents doorstep being sent away courtesy of my grandmother’s walking stick being prodded into them.

I briefly continued my alcohol adventures in Britain’s beautiful Lake District where I discovered the joys of vodka in between working for the Forestry Commision.

I was happy in the small town of Ulverston until a group of irate fathers suggested I leave if I wished to retain important parts of my anatomy.

I suspect introducing their formally innocent daughters to the delights of vodka possibly didn’t help my case over much – although other activities were probably higher on their agenda.

After a brief drunken – no change there then – sojourn to my home town, where an equally brief membership with a ‘football firm’ introduced me to a violent side of alcohol, I found myself in the general region of London.

The first time my best school pal met my wife to be – he talked me into coming to London – he advised her that I had drunkenly shagged my way all around West London.

Cheers mate!

Since marriage and a child I have cheerfully desisted from the women thing but equally cheerfully continued alcohol adventures.

I have been party to an alcohol induced international incident in Belgium on a football (soccer) tour.

I have been barred from a gay bar in Swansea, Wales for protecting a gay friend from being raped.

I have drunk a hotel dry – really, I did – of bottles of ‘white beer’ in Klaipeda, Lithuania.

I have been chased down a road by a group of Nazi youth’s in Vienna, Austria for buying a black chap a beer.

I have – well – I could go on and on.

What I am trying to say is this.

People can become alcoholics. Alcoholics NEED alcohol.

The more fortunate lovers of alcohol don’t need it. We just love it. The way we feel when we’re drinking it.

I can take it or leave it. Sometimes I leave it. Sometimes I just drink coffee or milk.

Sometimes I go crazy and broadcast a radio show on an American owned internet radio station and, as a result of me drinking vodka – albeit I may well have done the same sans alcohol – I say things that cause Christian fundamentalists in America to send the owner e-mail death threats.

If you have a friend or family member who you are concerned about regarding their consumption of alcohol.

Related: The Joys and Evils of Alcohol

Consider the possibility that they are not, in fact, alcoholics. They are, in fact, in full control like me.

They haven’t got an alcohol problem.

They’re just happily nuts.

I once woke up aged 18, after a good night clubbing, with twins in my bed. I had no idea which was which or, indeed, what either of their names were.

I once woke up in a farmers barn being nuzzled by sheep. Hopefully nothing untoward happened with any of the sheep.

I once arrived on a train in Nottingham. I had no idea why I had decided to travel to Nottingham. I found a pub, met a young lady and spent the following night in a place I had no idea why I had even gone there.

At a gig in, I think, 81? – I somehow tottered backstage and, much to the delight of pals in the audience, joined the backing singers for the performance of Lene Lovitch.

I was unceremoniously removed three songs into the set.

See?

If you keep control of alcohol and never let it control you, adventures galore await!

Cheers!!

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29 Responses to My Personal Adventures With Alcohol

  1. Michael John Scott Reply

    February 11, 2018 at 11:49 am

    I’m gobsmacked. Now let me get this straight old bean, because we’ve all seen your pictures and your wonderful observations on the world of alcohol. Your doctor said: “you are disgracefully healthy…” Is this right? You’re not just taking the piss? As a former boozer myself I am curious. You know inquiring minds want to know πŸ™‚

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      February 11, 2018 at 12:07 pm

      Apart from a bit of arthritis in the left knee – and I could do with losing a couple of stone – I’m disgustingly healthy apparently.

      Luck of the draw mate! πŸ™‚

  2. Neil Bamforth Reply

    February 11, 2018 at 12:16 pm

    I would point out that, at 60 years of age, I have knocked vodka on the head apart from special occasions….birthdays, New Years Eve and so forth.

    Also, my consumption of late seems to have reduced….a bit….sometimes…

    Where I drank 15 bottles of beer a night (if I wasn’t working the next day) I’m generally not bothering after about 6 or 7…maybe 8…depends….

    Must be old age….

    Just remembered the twins! Janet and Tina!….they were’t days πŸ™‚

    • Michael John Scott Reply

      February 11, 2018 at 12:26 pm

      I drank a 12-pack a night 5-days a week for probably 10 years. I then graduated to scotch, where I drank, from time to time, over a fifth (32oz) 3-4 days a week. I then took a step back and started on vodka because I thought it was less harmful. My doctor was also surprised when my blood tests would come back quite normal, particularly the liver enzymes, however, unless you have a CT you won’t know what your liver looks like, so I did that, and decided it was time to slow down. For me slowing down wasn’t possible, so I finally said: “fuck it,” and put down the booze, except for the occasional glass of wine or beer with dinner. Like you I loved alcohol and made every excuse as to why I wasn’t a drunk, but unlike you, I knew I couldn’t control it, and knew it was fucking me up. So, carry on in denial old bean. I did when I was your age, but then I got older and wiser…

      • Neil Bamforth Reply

        February 11, 2018 at 12:36 pm

        Hic!….πŸ˜€πŸΊπŸΊπŸΊπŸΊπŸΊ

        • Shirley Greene Reply

          February 11, 2018 at 12:55 pm

          Now that’s a boozer right there, laughing off Mike’s experiences instead of making a thoughtful comment. Mike realised he had a problem and dealt with it, whereas you are still in denial, and healthy? You? What a load of bollocks. Can’t stop laughing because I’ve seen your pics as well. If you’re healthy Donald bloody Duck is Mickey bloody Mouse.

          • Neil Bamforth Reply

            February 11, 2018 at 1:12 pm

            πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚….I didn’t say I was healthy! My Doc did!!

            Besides…live to 90 bored or 80 having fun….or 70….fun wins!!! 🍺🍺🍺🍺

      • jess Reply

        February 11, 2018 at 1:48 pm

        Damn that’s some professional level drinking right there Mike. I wasn’t doing that much but I was drinking a lot more than I typically do. I’ll stick with my weed thank you very much, with the once in a while drink socially I used to do.

  3. jess Reply

    February 11, 2018 at 1:46 pm

    I think I told you guys, these past few months I have been wasted for most of it and wore my comforter as an accessory for almost all of it. Went out clubbing in the city this past weekend and only thing I did, was some weed before and stayed with water and soft drinks for the most part, which I don’t really like because of the amount of sugars in them. Some of my friends told me they were so glad, because they thought they were going to have to stage an intervention with me the amount I was drinking. I’m sticking with weed from now on, just because of the comments from friends I got this weekend. I’ll probably have the odd drink now and again socially, but not to the degree I was drinking these past few months. Tried explaining it away as well I miss Kent and I don’t want to think about him being gone and I don’t want to depend on anti depressants from big pharma long term. Just a bunch of terrible awful excuses, so that I could turn off my mind, but it was getting bad, like Goldie Hawn in First Wives Club bad, the amount of booze I was consuming to try chasing away non existing demons.

    • Michael John Scott Reply

      February 11, 2018 at 2:45 pm

      I started drinking the odd beer at about 14. In those days, a hijacked can of Schlitz from the local supermarket was enough to get my friend and I tipsy. Of course, it wasn’t but we thought it was. Those sips escalated to gulps and went from the odd can to the odd six-pack. I discovered, as I got older, how much I liked drinking, especially after I discovered the world of cops at the tender age of 18, where it was the rule rather than the exception. I drank beer, and only beer, for years and years, but never “spirits,” until after April 30, 1994, when I lost my only son to a car accident.

      After that, I fell into the abyss of self-pity and just stopped giving a fuck. I started drinking with a vengeance and became one fucked up individual, albeit functional and even successful until the end of the workday. Unfortunately, my friends were also boozers so they never commented on my excesses and I never stopped “enjoying” those excesses until many, many years later, when I realized it was affecting my life in ways I found less than positive or helpful, so I quit.

      In closing, I know where you are my dear friend, and you are ahead of the game having acknowledged, with the help of good friends, that you wouldn’t be able to chase away those demons if you kept running alongside them. Viel GlΓΌck, ich weiß, du kannst es schaffen.

      • Neil Bamforth Reply

        February 11, 2018 at 3:13 pm

        Jess n Mike.

        Firstly huge hugs.

        Secondly alcohol – as you rightly point out – is dangerous when used to blank out pain.

        I’ve no idea how I’d react to such pain as you guys have suffered.

        I’m lucky and I know it.

        All my love and hugs to you both xx

        • Michael John Scott Reply

          February 11, 2018 at 8:42 pm

          Thanks, old bean, and what they say about time being the great healer, is true. Things do get better as the years go by. There was a time when I couldn’t talk about it, much less write a comment such as I did.

          • jess Reply

            February 12, 2018 at 10:08 am

            ^^^THIS^^^

  4. Caroline Taylor Reply

    February 11, 2018 at 5:01 pm

    Never had a drink a day in my life. Seen what it does to people and don’t want that to be me. I do smoke pot though, and eat it, always love it πŸ™‚

  5. Dandelion Reply

    February 11, 2018 at 5:08 pm

    I do not believe a word of it Neil old man. Not one word. People who talk about drinking all the time are drinking too much and you are clearly drinking too much. There is such as thing as too much fun you know and I know because I love to drink as we’ll but not in the dark. I know it ain’t good for the body or soul. Makes you sick and tired, and fat.

    • Michael John Scott Reply

      February 11, 2018 at 7:24 pm

      Oh yeah. That’s the other thing: it made me fat, about 50 pounds fatter than I am now. Took me five years to take off 40 and the 50, and I’m still working on the ten.

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      February 12, 2018 at 5:29 am

      I am drinking too much albeit less these days.
      If I’m working (driving) the following day it’s a couple of bottles or none at all.

      If I’m not working it’s a dozen plus.

      I was worried hence a trip to the doc.

      I drink therefore I am?

  6. Jerry Girard Reply

    February 11, 2018 at 8:35 pm

    Myth:

    I can drink and still be in control

    Fact:

    Alcohol dulls your brain like an anesthetic. It clouds your judgment, makes your more clumsy and slower to react. So your risk of accidents and injuries is much higher.

    • Michael John Scott Reply

      February 11, 2018 at 8:50 pm

      Well, that’s a fact that I don’t think is in dispute here Jerry, even and especially Neil considering his Walking Football injury. Never wise to play under the influence.

      • Neil Bamforth Reply

        February 12, 2018 at 5:34 am

        I only drink evenings never daytime and never before playing.

        4 different docs have said cut down but all 4 have admitted my metabolism seems to enable me, up to now and from 15 to 60, to drink unusually large amounts.

        I have cut back significantly the last year or so.

        Would I have had so much fun over the years not drinking? Dunno. Doubt it.

  7. Bobbie Peel Reply

    February 12, 2018 at 4:02 am

    Sound like a cry for help to me. My advice, for what it’s worth, go see a doctor who know what he’s talking about. Or, carry on deluding youself.

    • jess Reply

      February 12, 2018 at 10:09 am

      Ok Bobbie, you are here now. You don’t need to answer if you do not want to but I am asking the question anyway. Are you male or female?

      • Bobbie Peel Reply

        February 12, 2018 at 12:57 pm

        I am most definitely a male of the species.

        • Michael John Scott Reply

          February 12, 2018 at 7:58 pm

          Really? I wouldn’t have guessed as the spelling speaks to a female of the species.

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      February 12, 2018 at 1:41 pm

      Thank you for caring 😘

    • Michael John Scott Reply

      February 12, 2018 at 7:58 pm

      I have to agree with you. Sorry Neil. It is what it is.

  8. BitcoDavid Reply

    February 12, 2018 at 2:37 pm

    Wow! Everbody’s putting their two-cents in on this. So…

    Yes, if you consider a Ford Escort firing on all four, healthy, then we agree. But if you wanna be an AMG Mercedes, delivering that full 1100 bhp that people pay 150 Grand for, then we run into a problem.

    I monitor every calorie and eat a diet that’s about 70% protein. I take amino acid supplements, about 10X the RDA of B-12, and about 100X the RDA of Vitamin C.

    If you took a photomicrograph of what Ethynol molecules do in your bloodstream, you’d quit drinking in a New York minute. Alcohol is perhaps even more destructive than smoking.

    • Michael John Scott Reply

      February 12, 2018 at 8:01 pm

      I don’t think booze is more destructive than smoking, but it is destructive. Unfortunately, after the Great Experiment of 1919, the enactment of the Volstead Act, i.e. prohibition, I don’t think the American people would tolerate a concerted effort to get rid of it. Glad I quit smoking 10 years ago, and drinking more recently, however. I now exercise daily and am up to 15 miles.

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